Stream of Conscious

Writing is purging. Writing is purging. Writing is purging. What do I have to purge? I have so much in my soul that is jumping, charging, smashing to get out of my insides. If I don’t let it out it will surely kill me. Kill my brain. Kill my heart. Kill my soul. So much has happened. So much but so little at the same time. Only a year has gone by. But an entire year has gone by! It has moved by at the speed of the growth of a flower and at others it has roared through like a swift thunderstorm that rushes through on a cold front. Before you know it is over. You live in Indiana and don’t like the weather? Wait five minutes, it will change. That’s exactly what happened. All of a sudden it has changed. My life. So fast, so "whoa wait a minute" fast. How do I feel about that. Trying to stay upbeat and positive. There are times, moments when I don’t believe this is my life. There are times when I am glad this is my life. There are times when I want a different life. Stay positive Bethany. You are blessed. Why me? Will he come back? I’ll show him! Mother fucker!! No, he has no idea. He’s hurting. He needs help. Maybe I can help him. Would he care? I hate him. No you don’t. You still love him. I love him, but I am not in love with him. Stupid Ben. He really fucked up his life. What a looser. Whore. Why me? It’s okay. I’m okay. Am I okay? Time. Time will pass. Time passing is good. I just need some time and space. I like you. You are nice. Can I trust you? I am afraid. Did I say something wrong. Dating is hard, hard work! I am having fun. It’s an adventure. Will I always be single? I want children. Do I want children? I am not worthless. I have so much to give. So much love and support. I am a supporter. I feel inadequate. Will anyone ever appreciate my personality and all I have to offer? I am weird. How can anyone ever want me? I am weird and I like to go to bed at a reasonable hour. You think I am pretty? Thank you. I don’t know how to flirt. Do I look okay? Confidence. Have confidence. Lord HELP ME!! I need you. What direction do you want me to go in? What’s my purpose. I thought I had it all planned out. My life and the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids. Being a soccer mom. I hate this. Why me? Who am I? I don’t know how to take care of myself. I am a lover, not a fighter. I love you unconditionally. Give me a chance. I can change. Please don’t do this. I am at zero. Where do I go from here? I am scared. Do I want to kill myself? Sleeping pills would be easy. I have so much to live for. I am blessed. God never gives us more than we can handle. Peace. Turmoil. Rollercoaster. Calm. Ahhh…. Is it over yet? I don’t want a divorce. I am not a divorcee. I am single. Single. Single. Alone. Just me. Can I just quit? Does God want me to get a divorce? Restoration. Love Ben with all your heart. Fast and pray. Fast and pray. Fast and pray. Power of a praying wife. Fast. Write. Blog. I am strong. I am a new person. I am a woman. I love my sister. I love my family. New wineskins. Keep buggering on. KBO! How to survive an affair. Cut him off. Move on. Take care of yourself. Have fun. Run. Run. Run. The treadmill is my therapist. Run. Run. Run. Marathon runner! I am going to Texas! I can fly. I am not afraid. I am going out on my first date! Nervous! I like him. He’s nice. Can I handle this? Get out there and date, date, date! Abandoned. Left. Alone. Crying. Sobbing. Fetal position. Tired. Inconsolable. Fearful. Powerful. Independent. Awesome. You can do this. Why did he do this? What did I do to deserve this? I can change. I want to change. Please stop this and come home. I’m done. It wasn’t empty. I cheated. I want a divorce. I love you. I hate you. I loathe you. I want to forgive you. Can I forgive you? I am okay. I forgive you. I am okay. Am I okay? Prayers with my family. They pray for me. They pray with me. Secluded. Desperate for an end. Happy for a new beginning. I feel good. My mom is proud of me. Be poised. Be graceful. Be a lady. Don’t be nasty. Hold your head up high. Beauty from ashes. God can do anything. I have a greater yes. Does God hear me? Faith. Walk by faith. Isaiah 61. Zephaniah 3. Hebrews 11. Every new day, God does not fail. God can do what He says He can do, god is who He says He is. Believe. Just accept it. He cheated on me, he left me, he divorced me. I tried. I was not a bad wife. I am not a bad person. I did not fail him. I tried. Why won't you talk to me? You were lying to me? I have so much to offer. I want to do things and go places. Don't give up. Keep pressing on. Don't give up. Friends. I have friends and they love me. Thank you. I love my puppy. Sobbing at work. Don't look at me. Write. Blog. Write. Pray. Write. Blog. Fast. Pray. Pray. Pray. Will this ever end? Move on. I have to move on. I have moved on. It feels good.

Fabulous!

It's has been such a long time since I have written and I fully intend to recount the recent months soon. I have decided to take next Monday through Wednesday to fast, pray and write. If I don't intentionally set aside time to do it, it will not happen. I am looking forward to this time and reconnecting with God and purging through prayer and writing.

In brief, I am really doing fabulous! I can’t say that I am 100% better today. Even though time has healed the immediate hurting, it is still there - sometimes faint and others times like a roaring lion. I have had a few personal revelations within the past few weeks about myself, Ben and the direction I want my life to go in. The first is that I have come to terms with the fact that I have a lot of anger and bitterness in my heart towards Ben. I had never admitted that because it is so unpleasant and ungodly. Once I openly admitted to myself that I was angry and I was bitter, it was like a light bulb coming on. I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to be bitter. Those emotions only lead to more negative thoughts and habits. They can hold me back in life if I let them. But I will not let them do that. I am determined to overcome those feelings and set my heart and mind to good and positive thoughts towards Ben and my new life.

The second revelation was that I need to accept the fact that Ben will always be apart of who I was. I have so many good and happy memories of Ben and with Ben that there is no possible way to continually ignore them and want to cut them out of my life. That is not possible and then my life would be negative 10 years of events just because they had Ben in them. I have not and will not cut up all of my pictures of Ben nor will I throw out any love letters or mementos. That was who I was. That was my life and I am thankful for that part of me.

The third revelation was that I want to reach out to Ben and let him know that I am okay. I am healthy and happy and able to move forward without him. I am hopeful that if I am able to share with him my healing and my progress and my new life, then he will be able to move forward with his new life and forgive himself for what he did. This may or may not be an instant positive reaction, but if he knows that I am okay I am hopeful that it would help him in some small way. He is a good person too and has so much to offer that it would be a shame if he does not reach his full potential even without me. I want to help Ben heal.

My fourth revelation was the simple fact that in my I head I was able to say, “Ben, I am okay and I forgive you.” I had never done that before, but that thought came with such ease it kind of threw me for a loop. I didn’t expect it. But since I didn’t have to force and coach myself into thinking and feeling it, I am hopeful that it was not a fleeting moment of grace but a true reaction and thought process.

I really feel like I am heading in a solid, fulfilling direction in my life. I am amazed to my very core that over a year has passed and where I a mentally in all of the chaos that occurred. I can say I am thankful, but that doesn't even begin to describe what I feel in my heart. Being thankful doesn't even cover the extreme greatfulness that I feel for all I have and all I have been through. This feeling of contenment, joy, happiness, peace and love just wants to pour out of me and show everyone what God has done for me in my life inspite of the hell and torment I went through last year.

Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.