Another Mile Stone

Over the past 17 months, there have been many mile stones I have marked mentally as my life moves forward from April 2008. Today is one of those days. Besides it being my papa's 57th birthday, a year ago today I went to the post office in Westfield and picked up the divorce papers. I remember it was a beautifully sunny day. Mike drove to the post office with the secured mail notification sitting in my purse and me feeling kind of dazed and confused. When the envelope was in hand, I actually had Mike open it for me as I breathed deeply from the passenger seat of his Mercedes. The paperwork was confusing and filled with legal jargon. I was actually impressed in a way that Ben filled out the papers and found the courthouse in downtown and filed. Honestly, I thought he wouldn't be able to figure it out. And he did to an extent. It was kind of comical because the items he requested to be turned over to him were things like his xbox and a few figurines from Africa. Worthless junk that was now what defined his life. Is that mean? Maybe, but that's what he walked away with minus the $1300 settlement for his car. What else was comical was the fact that he didn't even get our wedding date right. That was like pouring salt into the wound, but I guess I shouldn't have expected much more from him. I remember that I didn't cry. The reality had already set in and I knew the process had started and there was nothing I could do.

I truly can't believe it has been a year. These one year later moments are somewhat surreal. Time really has flown by and I try to comprehend where I was and where I am today. As I continue to reevaluate my life and the new path I am on. I am slowly realizing this simple, yet potent fact - Ben held me back in my life. He could have swore up and down that I was the one hindering him and his big plans for his life, but I think it is quite the opposite. I find this puzzling and astonishing. I wish I could really illustrate my new outlook on my life without him. It's different. I'm different.

Rerouting

As I was driving in my car day before yesterday I was listening to a Christian radio station and wasn't paying too much attention to the topic of conversation. But a small statement caught my attention and really got me thinking. The statement had to do with rerouting and going in a new direction. To reroute means to change the route or path of, to send another way. You are on a path and it turns out it was the wrong path and something happens and the path is different from where you were. I never thought of my marriage is the wrong path. I actually thought I was on the right one and heading in the right direction in my life. I am not sure why or how I got onto the wrong path. It wasn't a conscious decision that I made. I never thought I was doing something wrong, but maybe I was. Maybe God has a different life planned for me and the only thing He could do was to drastically reroute me and my plans I had for my life.

It's old news to me now - my life is different. My life was turned on its side and violently shaken to its core. I am thankful now that the shaking has stopped and the path has changed. I am happy. I like my new path even though at first it seemed unbearable and treacherous. I don't really have any answers. I don't really know where this new path is going to take me. I don't really know what God's plans are for my life. I seek His will and I embrace it - sometimes willingly and at other times not so willingly. It's not easy and I have a multitude of unanswered questions that will most likely never end. But I am okay with that. If I can find the peace and faith to trust God, then everything will work out and the light at the end of the tunnel is extremely, powerfully bright.

Rerouted. I was wrong. Things changed. New path. Exciting.