Thursday, October 15, 2009
Define. Label. Identify. Characterize.
As hard as I try to fight off my friends, family and the rest of the entire world from labeling me as the sad little divorced girl with a horrible tale to tell, I had a friend point out that maybe I, personally, am not seeing beyond what happened therefore defining myself as the sad divorced girl. Translation: I am putting my own label on my forehead and everyone else reads it and takes their ques from me. This thought was eye opening to me to say the least. I need to shift my thinking from focusing on the divorce, Ben and the events associated directly with that to putting the focus on myself and expressing to others who Bethany is - not the Bethany before and during the divorce, but the Bethany after. I sort of see it as needing to train my thinking to not go so far back in time to think on a lesson learned, but rather think about the Bethany who has emerged and what I have learned since. This is a work in progres...
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Questions from a Friend
I have been talking with a relatively new friend of mine about my situation with Ben and forgiveness and moving forward. After talking with him, he presented a few qood, key questions that need to be addressed. I am hopeful that by blogging the answers, I will be able to gain some incredible insight to myself and the path I am on. So, here we go...
1) In terms of forgiveness, what is holding me back from forgiving Ben now? Is there anything that I still need to resolve in order to forgive him and move on?
I talk to my mom a lot about the events that took place last summer and fall. I know that I have my own point-of-view with what happened, but I know that that can be skewed or influenced by my own personal agenda and raw emotions. As we talked, she pointed out that there is a difference between the fact that I have moved on from Ben and the fact of forgiving Ben. She pointed out that these two thoughts are separate and independent of one another. I know I have moved on from Ben without a doubt. There is no possible way that I would ever accept him back into my life. I have too much respect for myself to even consider that as a possibility if that event presented itself. He is part of my past, not my future.
Now, as for forgiving him and my the grievances I have towards him and Kerri, those are areas I am actively working through. I kind of see forgiveness as different levels or stages almost like the grief process. My mom sees it as though I am actively forgiving them day by day. The forgiveness is an active verb that is currently happening. It's not going to be an event or a grand "ah-ha" moment. My forgiveness is happening everyday. It's a present progressive verb and describes the ongoing action. "I am forgiving Ben and Kerri." I am being active and seeking that in my daily life. Paul describes it pretty good in this verse:
Philippians 3:12-14
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
I feel that since the breakdown of my marriage happened in the way that it did - so fast and without any explanation - I honestly feel that I had no closure to that relationship. I have had to speculate and hypothesize the possible reasons for the demise of my marriage. Sure, I can say "Well maybe it was because of this or that and that is why he left me." But to be totally and completely honest, I never felt like I got a coherent or lucid answer from him as to why he did what he did. I have shared that I tried to express to Ben over and over that I simply did not know he felt X, Y and Z in our marriage. I thought we were happy and healthy. My entire family thought the same thing. In a way, I guess, if I could get some sort of clarification as to why he did what he did that might really lend to the process and the cloudiness I sometimes feel. I will probably never get that explanation I seek and I have to accept that.
It may take a year or two or it could take 20 years to fully come to forgiveness and feel whole. At least at this point I recognize the need to forgive and it is a present progressive verb in my life. I can talk about Ben and Kerri without my words filled with anger and bitterness. I don't feel hatred. I feel thankful that I am not in that place any more. When I talk about the situation and think about them being together, I no longer have an emotional reaction. I may not have a therapist point-of-view. All I have is my own and the desire to see this through how God wants me to.
2) If I haven't forgiven Ben yet, what is my thought process/decision on starting to develop a possible relationship with someone else? Would that work and if so, how?
Again, I don't want to confuse the two ideas of moving forward from Ben and forgiving Ben. That relationship is in the past. It's over. I am not going back. I am not in love him anymore and I am not waiting at home pining over him. My daily walk of forgiving him is ongoing and as long as I continue to move forward on that path, I think a new relationship is going to come up along that path as well. This may be a good way or very bad way to look at this question; but I almost feel that starting a new relationship is evident of the healing and forgiveness that has already taken place. If I feel that I am mentally and emotionally ready to take that next step in my life, I have only been able to get to that point through time, reflection and healing. There was no possible way that I was going to jump straight into a relationship the day after my divorce was final. Arriving at the point of feeling comfortable in exploring a new relationship is another part of my journey post-divorce. I think it is another part of the healing and forgiving process. I think it is positive that I would like to seek out another relationship and that I am not bitter and jaded towards the thought. There was a time early on post-divorce that I felt that way and wondered why anyone really wants to get married since it can lead to so much hurt. But I have been learning to look at relationship and marriage through the way God initially created them and not what the world has turned them into.
A friend of mine introduced me to a new concept that I had never heard of before. This ideas is called a corrective event. After doing some research thanks to Google.com I found it explained like this - "A re-exposure under favorable circumstances to an emotional situation with which one could not cope with in the past." Whether or not this can be directly applies to my thought process of exploring a new relationship or not, in a way it's kind of how I would answer the above question. I had a bad experience (my relationship and marriage to Ben) and things did not go as I would have anticipated they should have (it ending in divorce due to an affair.) I realize and am cognizant of the fact that I cannot view relationships and marriage in the same light as I view my past experience in those areas. My perception is horribly skewed due to my past experience, but I know that I cannot measure any future relationships against the past. It would be unfair and unreasonable.
3)In my journey of healing, do I think I have rushed myself to move on quickly and maybe overlooked certain aspects of healing after such a devastating experience?
I feel that I can answer this question with a solid no; I do not think I have moved on too quickly. Yes, I have done some cautious exploration into the dating realm and have examined the process of dating and getting into another relationship very carefully. I didn't jump into a new relationship immediately after my divorce was final and I still have not. I have taken the past year to take in my new life and to examine myself. I feel like over the past 18 months, I have met myself for the first time. I know that there are some people out there who crave the romantic relationships of life. They feel that they function more effectively while in a relationship and that they are at their best while with someone. I do agree that being in a relationship can be very healthy and bring out a lot of positives traits in either person. You are exposed to new situations, events and thought process that you may not experience while being single. I also believe that the same goes for being single - new situations, events and thought process can be experienced during that time as well. I was determined to not rush into anything and allow for time to heal and grow as an individual so when I am in my next relationship I can be a happy, healthy, healed contributor of that relationship. I kind of see it this way... Right after my divorce I had a lot of baggage - suitcases, duffle bags, totes, make-up cases. Baggage weighting me down, slowing me down. So, I boarded the train of singlehood not exactly knowing where and when the stops would happen or what direction the train was even going in. I swallowed my fears and insecurities and hopped on board with all my might. As the train made stops throughout the course of the journey of singlehood I got off the train, looked around at the scenery and dropped a piece of luggage. These certain stops included getting through the holidays without sadness or depression, being extremely sick on Christmas day and feeling thankful that I could be at home by myself, going out on my first date, flying to Milwaukee for work, celebrating my 27th birthday, hitting the “one year after” mark, running in the mini, flying to Texas, supporting a friend through a rough pregnancy, guiding a friend through a possible affair herself, passing my Series 6, meeting and celebrating events with many new friends, working out and looking at the option of becoming a personal trainer and looking towards the bright future. Each and every one of these events helped me to see who I am through all of the baggage I was carrying and helped me to put down a piece as well. Now, I don't feel that I have dropped every single piece of baggage that I carry, but I can say with all honesty that my load is lighter and I am gaining more and more freedom form that baggage with ever new life experience I come to. It still may take years for all of that to really, truly be released. It's not an instantaneous event that all of those pieces are dropped to the ground. What I do think though, and what I and hopefully for is that people can see that I am working towards letting all of this baggage that I carry in regards to Ben and the divorce go. That is my goal and that is what I strive towards every day. So no, I don't believe I am trying to move on too quickly and that I am missing certain aspects of the healing process. That is exactly what all of this is - a process. Day in and day out, it's a process and I am continually learning from it.
To sum all of this up, I have a lot to offer and a lot of life left to live. As a favorite saying of mine goes, I will not let someone else affect my destiny. I am in control of my life (well, I guess technically God is in control of my life), but I am not going to let another human being (ie Ben) determine what my life path looks like. It would be a great injustice to allow his thoughtless, hurtful actions decide for me what kind of future I am going to have.
1) In terms of forgiveness, what is holding me back from forgiving Ben now? Is there anything that I still need to resolve in order to forgive him and move on?
I talk to my mom a lot about the events that took place last summer and fall. I know that I have my own point-of-view with what happened, but I know that that can be skewed or influenced by my own personal agenda and raw emotions. As we talked, she pointed out that there is a difference between the fact that I have moved on from Ben and the fact of forgiving Ben. She pointed out that these two thoughts are separate and independent of one another. I know I have moved on from Ben without a doubt. There is no possible way that I would ever accept him back into my life. I have too much respect for myself to even consider that as a possibility if that event presented itself. He is part of my past, not my future.
Now, as for forgiving him and my the grievances I have towards him and Kerri, those are areas I am actively working through. I kind of see forgiveness as different levels or stages almost like the grief process. My mom sees it as though I am actively forgiving them day by day. The forgiveness is an active verb that is currently happening. It's not going to be an event or a grand "ah-ha" moment. My forgiveness is happening everyday. It's a present progressive verb and describes the ongoing action. "I am forgiving Ben and Kerri." I am being active and seeking that in my daily life. Paul describes it pretty good in this verse:
Philippians 3:12-14
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
I feel that since the breakdown of my marriage happened in the way that it did - so fast and without any explanation - I honestly feel that I had no closure to that relationship. I have had to speculate and hypothesize the possible reasons for the demise of my marriage. Sure, I can say "Well maybe it was because of this or that and that is why he left me." But to be totally and completely honest, I never felt like I got a coherent or lucid answer from him as to why he did what he did. I have shared that I tried to express to Ben over and over that I simply did not know he felt X, Y and Z in our marriage. I thought we were happy and healthy. My entire family thought the same thing. In a way, I guess, if I could get some sort of clarification as to why he did what he did that might really lend to the process and the cloudiness I sometimes feel. I will probably never get that explanation I seek and I have to accept that.
It may take a year or two or it could take 20 years to fully come to forgiveness and feel whole. At least at this point I recognize the need to forgive and it is a present progressive verb in my life. I can talk about Ben and Kerri without my words filled with anger and bitterness. I don't feel hatred. I feel thankful that I am not in that place any more. When I talk about the situation and think about them being together, I no longer have an emotional reaction. I may not have a therapist point-of-view. All I have is my own and the desire to see this through how God wants me to.
2) If I haven't forgiven Ben yet, what is my thought process/decision on starting to develop a possible relationship with someone else? Would that work and if so, how?
Again, I don't want to confuse the two ideas of moving forward from Ben and forgiving Ben. That relationship is in the past. It's over. I am not going back. I am not in love him anymore and I am not waiting at home pining over him. My daily walk of forgiving him is ongoing and as long as I continue to move forward on that path, I think a new relationship is going to come up along that path as well. This may be a good way or very bad way to look at this question; but I almost feel that starting a new relationship is evident of the healing and forgiveness that has already taken place. If I feel that I am mentally and emotionally ready to take that next step in my life, I have only been able to get to that point through time, reflection and healing. There was no possible way that I was going to jump straight into a relationship the day after my divorce was final. Arriving at the point of feeling comfortable in exploring a new relationship is another part of my journey post-divorce. I think it is another part of the healing and forgiving process. I think it is positive that I would like to seek out another relationship and that I am not bitter and jaded towards the thought. There was a time early on post-divorce that I felt that way and wondered why anyone really wants to get married since it can lead to so much hurt. But I have been learning to look at relationship and marriage through the way God initially created them and not what the world has turned them into.
A friend of mine introduced me to a new concept that I had never heard of before. This ideas is called a corrective event. After doing some research thanks to Google.com I found it explained like this - "A re-exposure under favorable circumstances to an emotional situation with which one could not cope with in the past." Whether or not this can be directly applies to my thought process of exploring a new relationship or not, in a way it's kind of how I would answer the above question. I had a bad experience (my relationship and marriage to Ben) and things did not go as I would have anticipated they should have (it ending in divorce due to an affair.) I realize and am cognizant of the fact that I cannot view relationships and marriage in the same light as I view my past experience in those areas. My perception is horribly skewed due to my past experience, but I know that I cannot measure any future relationships against the past. It would be unfair and unreasonable.
3)In my journey of healing, do I think I have rushed myself to move on quickly and maybe overlooked certain aspects of healing after such a devastating experience?
I feel that I can answer this question with a solid no; I do not think I have moved on too quickly. Yes, I have done some cautious exploration into the dating realm and have examined the process of dating and getting into another relationship very carefully. I didn't jump into a new relationship immediately after my divorce was final and I still have not. I have taken the past year to take in my new life and to examine myself. I feel like over the past 18 months, I have met myself for the first time. I know that there are some people out there who crave the romantic relationships of life. They feel that they function more effectively while in a relationship and that they are at their best while with someone. I do agree that being in a relationship can be very healthy and bring out a lot of positives traits in either person. You are exposed to new situations, events and thought process that you may not experience while being single. I also believe that the same goes for being single - new situations, events and thought process can be experienced during that time as well. I was determined to not rush into anything and allow for time to heal and grow as an individual so when I am in my next relationship I can be a happy, healthy, healed contributor of that relationship. I kind of see it this way... Right after my divorce I had a lot of baggage - suitcases, duffle bags, totes, make-up cases. Baggage weighting me down, slowing me down. So, I boarded the train of singlehood not exactly knowing where and when the stops would happen or what direction the train was even going in. I swallowed my fears and insecurities and hopped on board with all my might. As the train made stops throughout the course of the journey of singlehood I got off the train, looked around at the scenery and dropped a piece of luggage. These certain stops included getting through the holidays without sadness or depression, being extremely sick on Christmas day and feeling thankful that I could be at home by myself, going out on my first date, flying to Milwaukee for work, celebrating my 27th birthday, hitting the “one year after” mark, running in the mini, flying to Texas, supporting a friend through a rough pregnancy, guiding a friend through a possible affair herself, passing my Series 6, meeting and celebrating events with many new friends, working out and looking at the option of becoming a personal trainer and looking towards the bright future. Each and every one of these events helped me to see who I am through all of the baggage I was carrying and helped me to put down a piece as well. Now, I don't feel that I have dropped every single piece of baggage that I carry, but I can say with all honesty that my load is lighter and I am gaining more and more freedom form that baggage with ever new life experience I come to. It still may take years for all of that to really, truly be released. It's not an instantaneous event that all of those pieces are dropped to the ground. What I do think though, and what I and hopefully for is that people can see that I am working towards letting all of this baggage that I carry in regards to Ben and the divorce go. That is my goal and that is what I strive towards every day. So no, I don't believe I am trying to move on too quickly and that I am missing certain aspects of the healing process. That is exactly what all of this is - a process. Day in and day out, it's a process and I am continually learning from it.
To sum all of this up, I have a lot to offer and a lot of life left to live. As a favorite saying of mine goes, I will not let someone else affect my destiny. I am in control of my life (well, I guess technically God is in control of my life), but I am not going to let another human being (ie Ben) determine what my life path looks like. It would be a great injustice to allow his thoughtless, hurtful actions decide for me what kind of future I am going to have.
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