Growing up, I am proud to say that I always felt like I had great self-confidence. Nothing over the top or in your face confidence, but I was happy with who I was and never really thought about what others thought of me. It seemed that I was always well liked and easy to get along with. I wasn't one of the popular girls in high school, but that was OK. I knew I was smart, well dressed, well behaved and fairly pretty. I accepted myself and I was happy.
Well, recently I have come to discover that for the first time in my life I question my personality and who I am and what I like. I question if I truly am a likable person or if my personality is just annoying to those who meet me and take the chance to get to know me. Sure, the outside looks pretty and well packaged, but once you get to know the person inside is it as they expected? Or are they completely turned off by what they discover underneath?
My ex rejected me and left but why? Thanks to him I now feel unlikeable and hideous - like my personality and my likes and dislikes are so detestable that I wonder how anyone could possibly want to get to know me and want to date me.
I am a simple, low-key person. Not much mess, not much fuss. I truly enjoy staying at home cleaning, cooking, reading, walking my dog, watching a movie. I really am enjoying the single life. I like doing what I want to do without worrying about anyone else. I actually love it and even though I do want to get married again (some day), I am truly embracing the solitude and stress-free life that is mine now. It's OK to me that I want to stay at home on a Saturday night and bake cookies, bathe my dog and do laundry. That is what I like. That is what I want to do. Why can't people accept that about me? Why do I have to want to go out and drink and be in a smoke filled bar yelling at the person next to me to have a conversation?
What is wrong with me? Why did he leave me? What about me did he find so intolerable that his only solution was to cheat on me, leave and never give me or our marriage a second thought?
Like I said... head trash...
Monday, January 26, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
A While...
Gosh... It's been a while since I have posted and I was acutally considering shutting my blog down, but after reading through a few of my old posts, I see that this is what I need. This is where I have to unload, figure out things and confuse myself with my own thoughts, but for the entire world to read.
It's been about a month and a half since the divorce was final and I am actually doing very well mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually (have I forgotten one?)... I am not saying that I am completely healed of the hurt I experienced (not by a long shot!) and totally over my ex, but each day there is some sort of progress or realization that comes. God has truly been with me every step of the way and my heart over flows with thankfulness of all He has done for me.
I got through the holidays with not much if any depression or loneliness. I actually spent Christmas Eve and Christmas day at home, by myself sicker than I had ever been sick before. But I didn't feel sad. I was just thankful that I wasn't missing any get together those days.
I have started "training" for the mini-marathon in May. It's been really good for me to go to the gym, crank up the music and just run until I can't run any longer (which isn't that far, but hey it's a start!) I am getting involved at church through a ministry called "Helping Hands" (we cook for those who aren't able to due to a death or new birth.) And I just love my friends! They have been very good to me and supportive. My job is going very well and with a new year ahead of us we have set goals to achieve and hopefully do much better sales wise than 2008.
I am thankful that I have not gotten myself into a relationship right off the bat. There are a few guys out there who have voiced some interest, but I am just not ready for that and it might be a while until I get to that point at all. I am okay with that though. I am thoroughly enjoying myself being myself and doing what I want to do and when I want to do it. Being truly selfish for now and I like it. It's time to do that and it's all good.
I am just so eager to put as much distance between myself and that time in my life. Time really does heal and I look forward to a year from now and being able to say "I am doing awesome... so much better than I deserve!" And I know that it's not me or my strength that is getting me through this time in my life. It's my Lord and He is worthy to be praised!
I'm back and I'm blogging! Enjoy!
It's been about a month and a half since the divorce was final and I am actually doing very well mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually (have I forgotten one?)... I am not saying that I am completely healed of the hurt I experienced (not by a long shot!) and totally over my ex, but each day there is some sort of progress or realization that comes. God has truly been with me every step of the way and my heart over flows with thankfulness of all He has done for me.
I got through the holidays with not much if any depression or loneliness. I actually spent Christmas Eve and Christmas day at home, by myself sicker than I had ever been sick before. But I didn't feel sad. I was just thankful that I wasn't missing any get together those days.
I have started "training" for the mini-marathon in May. It's been really good for me to go to the gym, crank up the music and just run until I can't run any longer (which isn't that far, but hey it's a start!) I am getting involved at church through a ministry called "Helping Hands" (we cook for those who aren't able to due to a death or new birth.) And I just love my friends! They have been very good to me and supportive. My job is going very well and with a new year ahead of us we have set goals to achieve and hopefully do much better sales wise than 2008.
I am thankful that I have not gotten myself into a relationship right off the bat. There are a few guys out there who have voiced some interest, but I am just not ready for that and it might be a while until I get to that point at all. I am okay with that though. I am thoroughly enjoying myself being myself and doing what I want to do and when I want to do it. Being truly selfish for now and I like it. It's time to do that and it's all good.
I am just so eager to put as much distance between myself and that time in my life. Time really does heal and I look forward to a year from now and being able to say "I am doing awesome... so much better than I deserve!" And I know that it's not me or my strength that is getting me through this time in my life. It's my Lord and He is worthy to be praised!
I'm back and I'm blogging! Enjoy!
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