Every New Day...

As I was getting ready for work this morning, I was listening to Moody Radio and every day they have these little daily devotionals from Ron Hutchcraft and today's message really caught my attention. In particular it was this verse: Every new day, He will not fail. - Zephaniah 3:5.

We are human and we are going to fail on another. It's inevitable. We are going to make mistakes and fall over and over, but my peace and assurance is that God will not fail me. He will catch me every time I am gloriously human and make mistakes. Everyday as I see the sunrise, that is my promise that He has made another day and God has not failed me. Is there a human out there who can make the sunrise and is without fault? No.

The need to forgive my ex is abundantly clear as I write this blog. I am human and I fail. He is human and he fails. I failed him on a certain level and he failed me on a different level. Forgiveness is acknowledging the failure and saying I know you are not perfect and because we are both human and destined to fail, I forgive you and your imperfections, shortfalls, failures and from that point on living and understanding that there has been forgivness. Accepting that forgiveness was given and moving on with that forgiveness set in the heart and mind.

Twenty-seven

Whew! I never knew I could be so happy to be turning a year older! My spirit is so happy to be turing 27 today and finally get 26 behind me. Half of it was bad - very, very bad. But once the divorce was final, things started looking up. I felt better. My thoughts were more clear. I felt confident and secure. It was as if I had been in a horrific storm that seemed to never end and then finally it stopped - almost as quickly as it had started. I was able to asses the damage and begin to pick up my life and put it back together again. I can really see and feel God's healing touch in my life. I wasn't physically ill, but my spirit had been crushed - my heart was broken. But I know I am doing much, much better than I had ever expected. I am so thankful for all I have in my life. Every need I have had has been met. And my spirit is happy. My life is different. My life has a new, dynamic feel to it. It's subtle, but I can see and feel it. I have been faced with new situations, new thought processes and new people. I am not sure I would have ever had them in my previous life. Everything is different, but I am learning that that is okay and I am going to be okay.

Heneni

Here I am - that is what the Hebrew word "heneni" translates to. Here I am. I have been so curious and puzzled as to why I am who I am and why I am where I am. As I was driving into work this morning, I was praying and thinking and finally said "You know God, I don't want to be in control anymore." Being in control leads to stress and worry and I want to move on from that place of unfaithfulness. When God called to Abraham, he answered "Here I am." Heneni... Here I am Lord. What do you want from me.? What do you want me to do? Why is it that I am in this particular place and time? What can I do? Who do you want me to become? What do you want me to say?

Here I am, Lord. Send me. I long to be open to you and to see you move in my life. You have brought me to this place and I cry out to you HENENI!

Understanding

I am not sure if I will ever fully understand why my life has taken the course it has. After reading some of my old entries, I barely recognize the person who wrote them. I read the words and remember, but I am not that person anymore. It is almost an out-of-body experience. I remember writing those thoughts and feelings. I remember the agony I felt, but I am not that person anymore. I am Bethany. I am happy. I am healing.

I was reading in my devotion this morning and it was Proverbs 3:5 - Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. I remember the time and the place when I received the phone call from Ben telling me that he wanted a divorce. I was at my friend, Sarah's, house. We were watching synchronized diving of the 2008 Summer Olympics. After the phone call her and I went on a walk around Carmel and I cried and she encouraged me. I remember saying to her "I just don't understand." Immediately after saying those words I remembered a portion of that Proverbs verse - do not lean on your own understanding. I remember it so vividly. Nearly 8 months later, I remembered that time and place as I read that verse this morning and I was left in awe as I thought of that moment in late August. Look at how far I have come. Look at what I have accomplished and overcome. Look at the joy and the thankfulness that fills my life. Look. Understanding doesn't come at the exact moment you want it to come. Full understanding still has not seeped into my soul, but I see now that I am on a different road - a better road that still has opportunities for me left and right. I never thought I could feel whole again. Ben was such in integral part of me and who I was and my life. But I don't need that. I am who I am and slowly I gain a little more understanding with each day that passes.