Fabulous!

It's has been such a long time since I have written and I fully intend to recount the recent months soon. I have decided to take next Monday through Wednesday to fast, pray and write. If I don't intentionally set aside time to do it, it will not happen. I am looking forward to this time and reconnecting with God and purging through prayer and writing.

In brief, I am really doing fabulous! I can’t say that I am 100% better today. Even though time has healed the immediate hurting, it is still there - sometimes faint and others times like a roaring lion. I have had a few personal revelations within the past few weeks about myself, Ben and the direction I want my life to go in. The first is that I have come to terms with the fact that I have a lot of anger and bitterness in my heart towards Ben. I had never admitted that because it is so unpleasant and ungodly. Once I openly admitted to myself that I was angry and I was bitter, it was like a light bulb coming on. I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to be bitter. Those emotions only lead to more negative thoughts and habits. They can hold me back in life if I let them. But I will not let them do that. I am determined to overcome those feelings and set my heart and mind to good and positive thoughts towards Ben and my new life.

The second revelation was that I need to accept the fact that Ben will always be apart of who I was. I have so many good and happy memories of Ben and with Ben that there is no possible way to continually ignore them and want to cut them out of my life. That is not possible and then my life would be negative 10 years of events just because they had Ben in them. I have not and will not cut up all of my pictures of Ben nor will I throw out any love letters or mementos. That was who I was. That was my life and I am thankful for that part of me.

The third revelation was that I want to reach out to Ben and let him know that I am okay. I am healthy and happy and able to move forward without him. I am hopeful that if I am able to share with him my healing and my progress and my new life, then he will be able to move forward with his new life and forgive himself for what he did. This may or may not be an instant positive reaction, but if he knows that I am okay I am hopeful that it would help him in some small way. He is a good person too and has so much to offer that it would be a shame if he does not reach his full potential even without me. I want to help Ben heal.

My fourth revelation was the simple fact that in my I head I was able to say, “Ben, I am okay and I forgive you.” I had never done that before, but that thought came with such ease it kind of threw me for a loop. I didn’t expect it. But since I didn’t have to force and coach myself into thinking and feeling it, I am hopeful that it was not a fleeting moment of grace but a true reaction and thought process.

I really feel like I am heading in a solid, fulfilling direction in my life. I am amazed to my very core that over a year has passed and where I a mentally in all of the chaos that occurred. I can say I am thankful, but that doesn't even begin to describe what I feel in my heart. Being thankful doesn't even cover the extreme greatfulness that I feel for all I have and all I have been through. This feeling of contenment, joy, happiness, peace and love just wants to pour out of me and show everyone what God has done for me in my life inspite of the hell and torment I went through last year.

Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.