So What Are you Afraid Of?

Over the past few months I have had an amazing journey of self-reflection and introspection that I really would have never thought I would be faced with and definitely not in the manner it has occurred. I have met someone. And he is an amazing someone to say the least. To be honest, I really thought that finding someone who embodied the same morals, values, character attributes and common goals as I felt like finding the ever elusive Bigfoot or even the fabled unicorn. I just thought that was not possible because what I felt, what I cherished and desired for my life was inconsequential and insignificant to those of the opposite sex. Sure, I knew there were quality guys out there - guys who were already spoken for or guys who would only ever be a good friend and never a romantic interest. But... then I met him and continue to be amazed, dumbfounded and moved to my very core by what I see and hear from him. Can this be my elusive unicorn? I don't know.

As we have talked and talked for hours on end, we have come to the conclusion that what we have found in each other just maybe an incredibly unique and deep connection that neither of us ever really expected to find. We may have been a little pessimistic, but for both of us there was a point in time when life just seemed too tough and too unexplained to see very far beyond our present circumstances.

Excitement and anticipation fill my every fiber. Truly. It has been a long time since I have had this kind of reaction to someone. The eagerness to talk to him, the delight that fills me when I see his name pop-up on my phone in the form of a text message and the shear glee of seeing him is overwhelming. So, if I have come across this "ungettable get" of a man what, in fact, am I afraid of? Hmm... What? What? What? I have been able to sort through and toss out a great deal of emotional and mental baggage since my conversations with my manfriend since they began back at the beginning of September, but there is still a sense hesitancy. Bottom line - I am afraid of getting hurt again and loosing all that I had worked so hard for. I am not afraid of a relationship or marriage. Not at all. I want those things in my life because they can be so incredibly rewarding. I am just afraid of experiencing the nearly unbearable pain that I once felt.

I have tried my hardest to live by this motto: "Do not let someone else determine your destiny." Okay, that sounds good and all, but is that really possible? Can I not look back at what happened in my past and not feel scared, even terrified at times, of going through something like that again? Looking back is useless, pointless. I cannot change it or alter it in any way. So why do it? I cannot continue to live my life being afraid of what has already happened. If I do, I will not see my future and can quite possibly miss out on something incredibly special and important. By looking back, I am letting Ben continue to determine my destiny and that makes me very, very angry. The determination I feel raising up in my soul to not let that happen makes me feel strong. It makes me feel tenacious.

Life is too short. A 26-year-old was killed in a car accident last night. Did he ever think he might die at this young age. Probably not. Did have goals and dreams that he wanted to accomplish? I would venture to say yes, he did. But his life is over now. He doesn't get to get up out of bed tomorrow morning and go to work again. He doesn't get to hug his mom again. He doesn't get to love again. But I do. I am still alive and I still have hopes and dreams. Why let the thought of "what if"or "maybe" stop me?

I can get hurt in any relationship no matter who it is with - a best friend, sibling, co-worker. The fact is that I cannot completely insulate myself from being hurt mentally, emotionally and spiritually by another. So why build a wall between myself and someone who wants the best for me and wants to see me happy and wants to possibly love me? Those desire that that person may have for me aren't scary. They are good, positive things that I should embrace and not continually push away just because of the notion of "what if". Chances are that those fears of being hurt to the degree that I was will never come to pass again and if I remain frigid and reluctant then I am going to miss out on a lot of life and be a miserable person in the end. I don't want to be that miserable person. I want to have a fulfilling and meaningful relationship that could quite possibly lead to marriage and a wonderful family life. If I continue to be afraid of the past, then I may never attain that future I so much desire.

Dear Ben

I want to begin this letter to you by saying this simple statement that comes from the very bottom of my heart - I forgive you. I have wanted to tell you this for several months now, but I finally feel that I am able to write those words and truly have the meaning and feeling come from a very deep place in my soul.

This past year and a half has been a whirl-wind, life-changing time for me. This time in my life has led to so many new experiences that I would have never dreamt would be part of my life story. I have learned so much about myself, the world around me and the people who love and support me. The thankfulness that pours out of my spirit is overwhelming at times, but I truly have so much to be grateful for. I have done endless amounts of soul-searching, questioning and reflecting and part of all this exploring has led me to the deepest desire and intense need to forgive you. I have found myself coming full circle and felt I should reach out to you and extend to you my forgiveness whether you have asked for it or not.

I am truly happy and excited about my life and the direction God is taking me. I have been able to move forward and by God’s faithfulness, He has brought so much beauty to my life and part of that beauty is the peace I have in my heart towards you. I just want you to know that I only carry forgiveness for you – no hate, no anger, no bitterness. I am at peace with you and I pray that you have the same peace in your life as well.

I hope you are doing well.

With much forgiveness,

Bethany

A Favor

For some reason when a thought or word hits my mind I like to look it up on Dictionary.com and see the definition and see how clearly defined the word is. For example, the word "favor" has hit me square in the face tonight and here is a short definition of the word:

1. something done or granted out of goodwill, rather than from justice or for remuneration; a kind act: to ask a favor.
2. excessive kindness or unfair partiality; preferential treatment: to treat some people with favor and others with neglect.

Why has this word struck me tonight? Why this word that has such positive meaning and expression? When someone does a favor for you, it usually means that they have done something to benefit the you; an act of kindness is shown from one person to another. As my life moves forward, constantly evolving and changing, I can't help but to think of the great favor Ben actually bestowed upon me by way of all but crushing my spirit and squeezing nearly all of the precious life out of me.

At the time, all hope was completely and devastatingly lost. There was nothing. I was a wasteland - dried, desolate, dark. Now with the anniversary of my divorce fastly approaching, I can't help but to be so thankful for those events that brought me from a place of insignificance and entrapment to this beautiful life that I now lead. Ben did me a favor. His thoughtless and careless actions freed me from that suffocating state of a life of mediocrity, stress and worry of being his wife. I wasn't Bethany. Ben did me a favor. His inhumane and horrific depart from my life has left me to be free - free to be me.

Ben did me a favor. I am now grateful that I don't have to deal with him or his actions. I no longer have to bare the consequences for his actions or lack there of. I can breath again. I am free because Ben did me a favor by leaving me. I get to do what I want, when I want, where I want. I get a second chance at living my life and being more self-aware. I get to be my own person and not tip-toeing around him or his selfish desires. I can be my own person - free of him... Isn't that strange?