Getting My Groove Back

This was cute...

At my office Christmas party, a few of the agents who are real characters got together and made up there own version of the "...for Dummies" book for each person in the office. Each book received a title for their own person dummies book that had something to do with there performance, personality, life event, etc. It was hilarious and went over really well with everyone. Some of the titles of the books were cute and catchy. Some were sort of a roast of the person. It was all in good fun and definitely creative! Well, the title of my book was this... "Getting Your Groove Back for Dummies." I think that this was so, very awesome and fitting for me! 2009 has been a year of getting my life back in order and moving forward with a new outlook and hope for the future. I am really planning on reflecting and writing about the events of 2009 by the end of the year, but I just wanted to share this cute little story of how even those around me have seen a tremendous change in me. I really took it as a compliment and I love it with my whole heart!!

So What Are you Afraid Of?

Over the past few months I have had an amazing journey of self-reflection and introspection that I really would have never thought I would be faced with and definitely not in the manner it has occurred. I have met someone. And he is an amazing someone to say the least. To be honest, I really thought that finding someone who embodied the same morals, values, character attributes and common goals as I felt like finding the ever elusive Bigfoot or even the fabled unicorn. I just thought that was not possible because what I felt, what I cherished and desired for my life was inconsequential and insignificant to those of the opposite sex. Sure, I knew there were quality guys out there - guys who were already spoken for or guys who would only ever be a good friend and never a romantic interest. But... then I met him and continue to be amazed, dumbfounded and moved to my very core by what I see and hear from him. Can this be my elusive unicorn? I don't know.

As we have talked and talked for hours on end, we have come to the conclusion that what we have found in each other just maybe an incredibly unique and deep connection that neither of us ever really expected to find. We may have been a little pessimistic, but for both of us there was a point in time when life just seemed too tough and too unexplained to see very far beyond our present circumstances.

Excitement and anticipation fill my every fiber. Truly. It has been a long time since I have had this kind of reaction to someone. The eagerness to talk to him, the delight that fills me when I see his name pop-up on my phone in the form of a text message and the shear glee of seeing him is overwhelming. So, if I have come across this "ungettable get" of a man what, in fact, am I afraid of? Hmm... What? What? What? I have been able to sort through and toss out a great deal of emotional and mental baggage since my conversations with my manfriend since they began back at the beginning of September, but there is still a sense hesitancy. Bottom line - I am afraid of getting hurt again and loosing all that I had worked so hard for. I am not afraid of a relationship or marriage. Not at all. I want those things in my life because they can be so incredibly rewarding. I am just afraid of experiencing the nearly unbearable pain that I once felt.

I have tried my hardest to live by this motto: "Do not let someone else determine your destiny." Okay, that sounds good and all, but is that really possible? Can I not look back at what happened in my past and not feel scared, even terrified at times, of going through something like that again? Looking back is useless, pointless. I cannot change it or alter it in any way. So why do it? I cannot continue to live my life being afraid of what has already happened. If I do, I will not see my future and can quite possibly miss out on something incredibly special and important. By looking back, I am letting Ben continue to determine my destiny and that makes me very, very angry. The determination I feel raising up in my soul to not let that happen makes me feel strong. It makes me feel tenacious.

Life is too short. A 26-year-old was killed in a car accident last night. Did he ever think he might die at this young age. Probably not. Did have goals and dreams that he wanted to accomplish? I would venture to say yes, he did. But his life is over now. He doesn't get to get up out of bed tomorrow morning and go to work again. He doesn't get to hug his mom again. He doesn't get to love again. But I do. I am still alive and I still have hopes and dreams. Why let the thought of "what if"or "maybe" stop me?

I can get hurt in any relationship no matter who it is with - a best friend, sibling, co-worker. The fact is that I cannot completely insulate myself from being hurt mentally, emotionally and spiritually by another. So why build a wall between myself and someone who wants the best for me and wants to see me happy and wants to possibly love me? Those desire that that person may have for me aren't scary. They are good, positive things that I should embrace and not continually push away just because of the notion of "what if". Chances are that those fears of being hurt to the degree that I was will never come to pass again and if I remain frigid and reluctant then I am going to miss out on a lot of life and be a miserable person in the end. I don't want to be that miserable person. I want to have a fulfilling and meaningful relationship that could quite possibly lead to marriage and a wonderful family life. If I continue to be afraid of the past, then I may never attain that future I so much desire.

Dear Ben

I want to begin this letter to you by saying this simple statement that comes from the very bottom of my heart - I forgive you. I have wanted to tell you this for several months now, but I finally feel that I am able to write those words and truly have the meaning and feeling come from a very deep place in my soul.

This past year and a half has been a whirl-wind, life-changing time for me. This time in my life has led to so many new experiences that I would have never dreamt would be part of my life story. I have learned so much about myself, the world around me and the people who love and support me. The thankfulness that pours out of my spirit is overwhelming at times, but I truly have so much to be grateful for. I have done endless amounts of soul-searching, questioning and reflecting and part of all this exploring has led me to the deepest desire and intense need to forgive you. I have found myself coming full circle and felt I should reach out to you and extend to you my forgiveness whether you have asked for it or not.

I am truly happy and excited about my life and the direction God is taking me. I have been able to move forward and by God’s faithfulness, He has brought so much beauty to my life and part of that beauty is the peace I have in my heart towards you. I just want you to know that I only carry forgiveness for you – no hate, no anger, no bitterness. I am at peace with you and I pray that you have the same peace in your life as well.

I hope you are doing well.

With much forgiveness,

Bethany

A Favor

For some reason when a thought or word hits my mind I like to look it up on Dictionary.com and see the definition and see how clearly defined the word is. For example, the word "favor" has hit me square in the face tonight and here is a short definition of the word:

1. something done or granted out of goodwill, rather than from justice or for remuneration; a kind act: to ask a favor.
2. excessive kindness or unfair partiality; preferential treatment: to treat some people with favor and others with neglect.

Why has this word struck me tonight? Why this word that has such positive meaning and expression? When someone does a favor for you, it usually means that they have done something to benefit the you; an act of kindness is shown from one person to another. As my life moves forward, constantly evolving and changing, I can't help but to think of the great favor Ben actually bestowed upon me by way of all but crushing my spirit and squeezing nearly all of the precious life out of me.

At the time, all hope was completely and devastatingly lost. There was nothing. I was a wasteland - dried, desolate, dark. Now with the anniversary of my divorce fastly approaching, I can't help but to be so thankful for those events that brought me from a place of insignificance and entrapment to this beautiful life that I now lead. Ben did me a favor. His thoughtless and careless actions freed me from that suffocating state of a life of mediocrity, stress and worry of being his wife. I wasn't Bethany. Ben did me a favor. His inhumane and horrific depart from my life has left me to be free - free to be me.

Ben did me a favor. I am now grateful that I don't have to deal with him or his actions. I no longer have to bare the consequences for his actions or lack there of. I can breath again. I am free because Ben did me a favor by leaving me. I get to do what I want, when I want, where I want. I get a second chance at living my life and being more self-aware. I get to be my own person and not tip-toeing around him or his selfish desires. I can be my own person - free of him... Isn't that strange?

Define. Label. Identify. Characterize.

As hard as I try to fight off my friends, family and the rest of the entire world from labeling me as the sad little divorced girl with a horrible tale to tell, I had a friend point out that maybe I, personally, am not seeing beyond what happened therefore defining myself as the sad divorced girl. Translation: I am putting my own label on my forehead and everyone else reads it and takes their ques from me. This thought was eye opening to me to say the least. I need to shift my thinking from focusing on the divorce, Ben and the events associated directly with that to putting the focus on myself and expressing to others who Bethany is - not the Bethany before and during the divorce, but the Bethany after. I sort of see it as needing to train my thinking to not go so far back in time to think on a lesson learned, but rather think about the Bethany who has emerged and what I have learned since. This is a work in progres...

Questions from a Friend

I have been talking with a relatively new friend of mine about my situation with Ben and forgiveness and moving forward. After talking with him, he presented a few qood, key questions that need to be addressed. I am hopeful that by blogging the answers, I will be able to gain some incredible insight to myself and the path I am on. So, here we go...

1) In terms of forgiveness, what is holding me back from forgiving Ben now? Is there anything that I still need to resolve in order to forgive him and move on?

I talk to my mom a lot about the events that took place last summer and fall. I know that I have my own point-of-view with what happened, but I know that that can be skewed or influenced by my own personal agenda and raw emotions. As we talked, she pointed out that there is a difference between the fact that I have moved on from Ben and the fact of forgiving Ben. She pointed out that these two thoughts are separate and independent of one another. I know I have moved on from Ben without a doubt. There is no possible way that I would ever accept him back into my life. I have too much respect for myself to even consider that as a possibility if that event presented itself. He is part of my past, not my future.

Now, as for forgiving him and my the grievances I have towards him and Kerri, those are areas I am actively working through. I kind of see forgiveness as different levels or stages almost like the grief process. My mom sees it as though I am actively forgiving them day by day. The forgiveness is an active verb that is currently happening. It's not going to be an event or a grand "ah-ha" moment. My forgiveness is happening everyday. It's a present progressive verb and describes the ongoing action. "I am forgiving Ben and Kerri." I am being active and seeking that in my daily life. Paul describes it pretty good in this verse:
Philippians 3:12-14
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

I feel that since the breakdown of my marriage happened in the way that it did - so fast and without any explanation - I honestly feel that I had no closure to that relationship. I have had to speculate and hypothesize the possible reasons for the demise of my marriage. Sure, I can say "Well maybe it was because of this or that and that is why he left me." But to be totally and completely honest, I never felt like I got a coherent or lucid answer from him as to why he did what he did. I have shared that I tried to express to Ben over and over that I simply did not know he felt X, Y and Z in our marriage. I thought we were happy and healthy. My entire family thought the same thing. In a way, I guess, if I could get some sort of clarification as to why he did what he did that might really lend to the process and the cloudiness I sometimes feel. I will probably never get that explanation I seek and I have to accept that.

It may take a year or two or it could take 20 years to fully come to forgiveness and feel whole. At least at this point I recognize the need to forgive and it is a present progressive verb in my life. I can talk about Ben and Kerri without my words filled with anger and bitterness. I don't feel hatred. I feel thankful that I am not in that place any more. When I talk about the situation and think about them being together, I no longer have an emotional reaction. I may not have a therapist point-of-view. All I have is my own and the desire to see this through how God wants me to.

2) If I haven't forgiven Ben yet, what is my thought process/decision on starting to develop a possible relationship with someone else? Would that work and if so, how?

Again, I don't want to confuse the two ideas of moving forward from Ben and forgiving Ben. That relationship is in the past. It's over. I am not going back. I am not in love him anymore and I am not waiting at home pining over him. My daily walk of forgiving him is ongoing and as long as I continue to move forward on that path, I think a new relationship is going to come up along that path as well. This may be a good way or very bad way to look at this question; but I almost feel that starting a new relationship is evident of the healing and forgiveness that has already taken place. If I feel that I am mentally and emotionally ready to take that next step in my life, I have only been able to get to that point through time, reflection and healing. There was no possible way that I was going to jump straight into a relationship the day after my divorce was final. Arriving at the point of feeling comfortable in exploring a new relationship is another part of my journey post-divorce. I think it is another part of the healing and forgiving process. I think it is positive that I would like to seek out another relationship and that I am not bitter and jaded towards the thought. There was a time early on post-divorce that I felt that way and wondered why anyone really wants to get married since it can lead to so much hurt. But I have been learning to look at relationship and marriage through the way God initially created them and not what the world has turned them into.

A friend of mine introduced me to a new concept that I had never heard of before. This ideas is called a corrective event. After doing some research thanks to Google.com I found it explained like this - "A re-exposure under favorable circumstances to an emotional situation with which one could not cope with in the past." Whether or not this can be directly applies to my thought process of exploring a new relationship or not, in a way it's kind of how I would answer the above question. I had a bad experience (my relationship and marriage to Ben) and things did not go as I would have anticipated they should have (it ending in divorce due to an affair.) I realize and am cognizant of the fact that I cannot view relationships and marriage in the same light as I view my past experience in those areas. My perception is horribly skewed due to my past experience, but I know that I cannot measure any future relationships against the past. It would be unfair and unreasonable.

3)In my journey of healing, do I think I have rushed myself to move on quickly and maybe overlooked certain aspects of healing after such a devastating experience?

I feel that I can answer this question with a solid no; I do not think I have moved on too quickly. Yes, I have done some cautious exploration into the dating realm and have examined the process of dating and getting into another relationship very carefully. I didn't jump into a new relationship immediately after my divorce was final and I still have not. I have taken the past year to take in my new life and to examine myself. I feel like over the past 18 months, I have met myself for the first time. I know that there are some people out there who crave the romantic relationships of life. They feel that they function more effectively while in a relationship and that they are at their best while with someone. I do agree that being in a relationship can be very healthy and bring out a lot of positives traits in either person. You are exposed to new situations, events and thought process that you may not experience while being single. I also believe that the same goes for being single - new situations, events and thought process can be experienced during that time as well. I was determined to not rush into anything and allow for time to heal and grow as an individual so when I am in my next relationship I can be a happy, healthy, healed contributor of that relationship. I kind of see it this way... Right after my divorce I had a lot of baggage - suitcases, duffle bags, totes, make-up cases. Baggage weighting me down, slowing me down. So, I boarded the train of singlehood not exactly knowing where and when the stops would happen or what direction the train was even going in. I swallowed my fears and insecurities and hopped on board with all my might. As the train made stops throughout the course of the journey of singlehood I got off the train, looked around at the scenery and dropped a piece of luggage. These certain stops included getting through the holidays without sadness or depression, being extremely sick on Christmas day and feeling thankful that I could be at home by myself, going out on my first date, flying to Milwaukee for work, celebrating my 27th birthday, hitting the “one year after” mark, running in the mini, flying to Texas, supporting a friend through a rough pregnancy, guiding a friend through a possible affair herself, passing my Series 6, meeting and celebrating events with many new friends, working out and looking at the option of becoming a personal trainer and looking towards the bright future. Each and every one of these events helped me to see who I am through all of the baggage I was carrying and helped me to put down a piece as well. Now, I don't feel that I have dropped every single piece of baggage that I carry, but I can say with all honesty that my load is lighter and I am gaining more and more freedom form that baggage with ever new life experience I come to. It still may take years for all of that to really, truly be released. It's not an instantaneous event that all of those pieces are dropped to the ground. What I do think though, and what I and hopefully for is that people can see that I am working towards letting all of this baggage that I carry in regards to Ben and the divorce go. That is my goal and that is what I strive towards every day. So no, I don't believe I am trying to move on too quickly and that I am missing certain aspects of the healing process. That is exactly what all of this is - a process. Day in and day out, it's a process and I am continually learning from it.

To sum all of this up, I have a lot to offer and a lot of life left to live. As a favorite saying of mine goes, I will not let someone else affect my destiny. I am in control of my life (well, I guess technically God is in control of my life), but I am not going to let another human being (ie Ben) determine what my life path looks like. It would be a great injustice to allow his thoughtless, hurtful actions decide for me what kind of future I am going to have.

Another Mile Stone

Over the past 17 months, there have been many mile stones I have marked mentally as my life moves forward from April 2008. Today is one of those days. Besides it being my papa's 57th birthday, a year ago today I went to the post office in Westfield and picked up the divorce papers. I remember it was a beautifully sunny day. Mike drove to the post office with the secured mail notification sitting in my purse and me feeling kind of dazed and confused. When the envelope was in hand, I actually had Mike open it for me as I breathed deeply from the passenger seat of his Mercedes. The paperwork was confusing and filled with legal jargon. I was actually impressed in a way that Ben filled out the papers and found the courthouse in downtown and filed. Honestly, I thought he wouldn't be able to figure it out. And he did to an extent. It was kind of comical because the items he requested to be turned over to him were things like his xbox and a few figurines from Africa. Worthless junk that was now what defined his life. Is that mean? Maybe, but that's what he walked away with minus the $1300 settlement for his car. What else was comical was the fact that he didn't even get our wedding date right. That was like pouring salt into the wound, but I guess I shouldn't have expected much more from him. I remember that I didn't cry. The reality had already set in and I knew the process had started and there was nothing I could do.

I truly can't believe it has been a year. These one year later moments are somewhat surreal. Time really has flown by and I try to comprehend where I was and where I am today. As I continue to reevaluate my life and the new path I am on. I am slowly realizing this simple, yet potent fact - Ben held me back in my life. He could have swore up and down that I was the one hindering him and his big plans for his life, but I think it is quite the opposite. I find this puzzling and astonishing. I wish I could really illustrate my new outlook on my life without him. It's different. I'm different.