True Beauty from Ashes

It's that time of year when it seems like nostalgia seeps from every person as the year comes to a close. We reflect on the previous year’s events, look forward to a new beginning and create resolutions which we may or may not keep. I am no different. 2008 was a horrific year of struggles emotionally, mentally and physically. It was not what I would call a good year by any stretch of the imagination. So, after surviving 2008 and learning how to pick myself up off of the ground and move forward with my new life, I didn't have extremely high expectations for 2009. If I continued to live day to day with grace, then that was a huge accomplishment. All I wanted was to be happy. That's it. As I now look back at 2009, I see that not only was I happy, but I lived my life with vigor and strength that I never knew I had!

January/February - January started off pretty sedate. It was winter and cold. Near the end of the month I was asked out on my first date post-divorce by an agent in my office. I remember he was flirtations with me via Facebook and often visited me in my cube at work. Matt was a nice guy - funny, confident, driven. He finally got up the nerve to ask me out. We went out to Mama Carolla's in Broad Ripple on January 31st and I was ecstatic that I had my first date and it went really well all things considered. Ben was my first and only. At the time it seemed like a good thing, but after him I realized that I had NO experience in the dating world and that was very intimidating. I didn't know what to do or what to say. How do I act and react when on a date? I had no clue. I felt like a baby learning how to crawl - curious, but unstable. But I survived and that gave me a small confidence boost to get 2009 off to a good start.

Throughout February, Matt and I talked on the phone and via Facebook. It was new and fun. We talked about a lot of things and it was nice to get the feel of "hanging out" with someone. I still didn't feel elegant in the dating scene, but I was able to dip my toes in the water and see what it felt like. I was still scared out of my mind with the whole idea, but I knew it was yet another growing experience. I had to push myself to get out of my comfort zone and I think I did pretty darn well!

March - In March, I took a business trip to Northwestern home office in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I went with a co-worker and it was a really good experience for me. Why was it so good? Well I had to FLY to Milwaukee and for anyone who knew me just a little knew that I was terrified of flying. I had only flown two other times prior to Milwaukee and both times were with Ben. To look into the face of fear and say that it is not going to conquer me is such a strength building exercise! I was scared of flying, but I knew that I had to do it. If I was going to continue to push myself out of my comfort zone, then I had to travel to Milwaukee and see how it felt. I did it and it was yet another experience that I grew from that quick trip to Milwaukee that I have carried with me ever since.

I also remember calling my mom on the first day of spring in March and saying "Mom, I survived winter!" After going through a divorce right before the holidays and having to go through a winter in Indiana by yourself isn't exactly the most uplifting thought. People get depressed all of the time during the winter months and being recently divorced wasn't going to help. So when spring rolled around and I realized that I had gotten through and with a light and happy spirit, it was an amazing accomplishment. I am not a down and out type of person. I love to be happy and positive, but I wasn't sure how I would cope with the lonely Indiana winter. I lived through it and I was just as happy as a clam!

April - Ahh... spring time in Indiana! It was so beautiful and what was even better was that the month of April brought my 27th birthday! I was ready to put 26 behind me and become a year older and a year wiser! Tawni and Mike hosted a birthday brunch for me and I was so thankful to have them. My family is wonderful and they have been there for me through everything. They celebrated my birthday with me and I loved turning 27.

April also brought the one year anniversary of when Ben dropped the news that he had cheated on me and left me for her. April 30, 2008. What a day. April 30, 2009. What a day. It was amazing to have the new perspective I had gained on life and my relationship with Ben. I had started to see that I really was better off without him in my life, but that thought was just starting to form. April 30, 2009 was a normal day for me. I was happy. No sadness. No depression. It was just nice to have that year under my belt and know that I was going to be alright. Besides, I had greater things to look forward to at that time - the month of May!

May - In December 2008, my boss had challenged me to enter the Indianapolis Mini Marathon that was to be held in May 2009. I took him up on that challenge and I began training. I ran nearly every day for 6 months. I wanted so badly to run the entire 13.1 miles, but I am not naturally a runner. I loved to run and it had become my therapy session, but I wasn't sure if I could actually ran 13.1 miles. 13.1 MILES!! I trained and trained. I loved going to the gym. I loved running outside. It made me feel strong. Running gave me confidence - confidence that I was strong and I was a good and healthy person. May 2, 2009. Was I ready? I was and I did it!!! I ran with my cousin, April, and her husband, Mark. We encouraged each other throughout the entire race and the adrenaline was incredible. I just ran. And ran. And ran. I remember getting the 6 mile mark. I had never run any further than that, but I felt good and I kept going. It was a slow pace, but it was solid and we all felt good. Miles 11-13 were tough. Very, very tough. I didn't have any energy left. I was wiped out, but Mark and April kept pushing me I finished the race at 2 hours and 38 minutes! I remember crossing the finish line and thinking "I can stop running now!" The runners high I felt lasted a good week and a half after the race was done. I did it! It was so incredible...

The very next day, Kylie and I left for a week long vacation in Austin, Texas with our Aunt Bobbie and Uncle Bill. Once again I was faced with having to fly, but this time I was the seasoned traveler and had to make sure that Kylie and I made our flights on time! I felt a little pressure, but the flights went smooth and we got to Texas late Sunday night. We had a great time there. We went to the capital building in Austin, the rodeo and the Alamo. It was a great vacation for both of us and it was the first time we had been on a solo trip. There are certain events when you realize that you are all grown up and an adult. This trip really made me feel like that since we planned it and traveled by ourselves. It was yet another growing experience for me and I loved every minute of it!

June - I actually can't really remember the month of June... It was summer time in Indiana! I do remember meeting Tomo. He was a very nice guy and we hung out a few times. We both loved sushi and he was gracious enough to treat me to dinner a few times. It was awesome!

July - In mid-July I took a road trip with my friend Sarah to IKEA in Cincinnati, Ohio. It was a great day! I had never been to IKEA and the store felt endless! We went from room to room and there were so many great decorating ideas! I was a good girl though I spent only $20. Sarah was shopping for her new house and got some really great things to add a special touch to her new place. It was a great day of girl talk and shopping! Thanks Sarah! :)

July also offered another great stretching experience for me too. The pseudo-relationship with Matt had fizzled and I wanted to get into the dating scene, but was intimidated to no end! I didn't want to meet a guy in a bar, there weren't many (if any) single guys at church and I didn't seem like my friends had too many eligible guy friends for me to meet. Kylie and I had talked on and off about joining a Christian dating site to meet good quality guys. We thought it would be a good way to expand our horizons and see what is beyond Westfield and Noblesville. Well, she encouraged me to join eHarmony. What could it hurt? I was curious and would always be curious until I tried it. If it didn't work, then hey no big deal. At least I knew, right? So, I joined eHarmony towards the end of July. I answered all of their personality profile questions. I sorted through and posted some of my best pictures and waited. I got matched with guys of many different races and from many different areas of life. I didn't limit my matches too much. I wanted to be open for whatever may come. I communicated with a few guys. They seemed nice, polite, established. I was off to a good start and commutation with several individuals throughout the need of July and August. I was glad I was trying this method of meeting people. Can you guess what it was? A good growing experience!

August - Summer time is an awesome time to spend on the water. In August, my friend Ashley invited me and several other girls to Lake Wawasee in northern Indiana. I had never been up that way and wasn't sure what to expect of the lake. Ashley’s parents owned a boat and they hosted us for the day. It was so fun to be there, on the water, eating and drinking. We soaked up the sun and lounged on rafts in the water. It was so great and I will never forget that trip. We talked and talked about so many different things. I even got the chance to ride a wave runner for the first time! Now that was fun! It was a beautiful day with beautiful people.

September - September 1 offered to major events in my life. First, I had been studying all summer long for my Series 6 exam for work. It was so hard to study for that test since finance and investments do not come naturally to me nor are they a great interest of mine. Ugh... I studied and studied and studied! I was even sick the last few days before my test! I just wanted to get that stupid thing over with! By the grace of God I passed my test and I was so, so, so happy! Kylie and I went out and celebrated by going to Squealers and then to see "The Time Travelers Wife." I felt so good having passed the test even though I had no interest in the material.

After getting home after work that day, I checked my email and I had new matched from eHarmony. I had gotten into the routine of looking at the matches and first seeing if I was even physically attracted to the person and then quickly reading through their profile. If I felt that there was an attraction then I would immediately send them the first round of questions through the website. I didn't wait for the guys to contact me. I was a grown, confident woman who could step out on a limb and contact these guys if I felt interested in them. Well, I was matched with this one guy. He was from California. He was a recent graduate with his PhD and he was cute. His name was Tony and I thought that he looked like he was interesting. I sent him my questions and didn't think much else of it. Over the next week or so, Tony would answer my questions and then I would answer his. I liked what he had to say and we soon were able to write emails to each other. Tony was different from the other two guys I had been communicating with regularly. Our messages were thoughtful, meaningful and deep. I could feel an instant connection with him and I quickly focused on him and our messages. I began learning about him, his family, his past and I was intrigued. He soon asked for my phone number so he could call me and we could talk on the phone. I gave it to him and told him that I would wait for his call. It came on September 17. To make a long story short, our conversation was easy, casual and great! I couldn't wait to talk with him again! Over the next few weeks we talked a few times, but when we did talk it was for hours. I liked who Tony was and what he stood for and I wanted to continue to get to know him.

October - Throughout October Tony and I talked nearly everyday. We emailed and texted each other a lot. We talked about our past, our present and our futures. We connected on so many different topics. Family, religion, fiances, children, education, etc. You name it, I am sure we talked about it! Our conversations were easy and unforced. We were forming a bond even though it was only over the phone. Since he lived in California, it wasn't going to be easy to meet. We decided that he would come to Indiana at the beginning of November and met me and my family! That was a nerve wracking thought! But he booked his ticket in early October and so we had an entire month to continue learning about each other. It was awesome and I really began liking him and I knew he liked me!

November - So, the day of Tony's arrival in Indianapolis was here! November 4th! His flight was getting in at 10:30 pm and I was nervous! I had so much to prepare for, but I wanted everything to be perfect. Long story short... his visit was wonderful. We connected in person just like we did over the phone. It was a quick trip. We went out to see my home town of Losantville, we went on our first official date to Matteo's in Noblesville, we shared our first bottle of wine and our first kiss. (He was a gentleman and asked me if he could kiss me before he took the liberty of doing so!), he met my immediate family (who really liked him!) and then left for California just as quickly as he got here. It was a great weekend and we were both extremely happy with the outcome! That very night I booked my first flight to California for the first week in December. He had tickets to the Trans Siberian Orchestra in San Diego and he invited me to join him! I was ecstatic! I had never traveled my myself before, let alone all the way out to California!

After Tony returned to California we continued to talk daily ad our relationship continued to grow. On Thanksgiving Day we really kind of made our relationship official even though it was already at that point. I had kept everything with him kind of hush-hush because I didn't know if it was really going to work. So when we finally made that step, I couldn't wait to tell my friends and extended family! It felt so wonderful to be in that place again and know that Tony was truly a great man.

December finally came and so did my first trip out to California. My flights went smooth and I soon became a pro at flying. Tony and I went down to San Diego and had a marvelous time. We went to dinner at a little Italian restaurant and had a great time at the concert. The next day we made a quick trip to the coast so I could see the Pacific Ocean. It really was overwhelming to think that I had enough nerve to fly and meet Tony again and there I was at the beach with him. It was a great personal moment of adulthood. During that trip I also meet Tony's family, but only about half which was about 50 people! They had a big family gathering for the entire family - aunts, uncles and cousins to meet me! It was an amazing feeling to know that all of these people came to meet me and see who Tony's new girl was! I felt so incredibly special. It was really neat to see his family. He is Mexican and his family is a big Mexican family! Tony's speaks Spanish and it was so cool to see him interact with everyone and hear him talk. Again, the word to use was "overwhelming". Soon enough I had to leave. My flight was early in the morning and when I left it was still dark outside. I was sad to leave, but our time together was amazing.

Only a few days after my first trip to California, I was very spontaneous and booked another trip out there over Christmas. My family wasn't getting together until New Year's Eve and the flight I found was only $380 when most other flights during that time frame were $500+! It was crazy, but exciting. I distinctly remember Christmas 2008 being so sick on the couch at home by myself. I had never been so sick before and I was miserable but happy I could just at home. I also remember praying and asking God if I could be somewhere else the next Christmas. I didn't care where, just somewhere else besides sick on my couch! Well, when I recalled that time in my life it hit me that my prayer was answered! I was going to be in California over Christmas. Wow. I flew out there on Wednesday the 23rd and came home Sunday the 27th. It was a great time! I met more of Tony's family, we went to Newport Beach, we went out for sushi and a movie... Everything just felt so natural and normal with him and I loved every minute of my trip. I had really fallen in love with him.

A few days before my trip to see Tony, my mom was diagnosed with kidney cancer. It was scary. She had tests and x-rays done and we learned that it didn't look like the cancer had spread, but she needed her kidney removed. Within two weeks of learning about the cancer her surgery was scheduled for January 3 and they would see then what the cancer looked like. It was a blow to my family. My mom hadn't been sick. She felt fine and healthy and it was a pure miracle that they even found the cancer! She was a real trooper though and let God be in control. If she was scared, she never showed it.

I had an awesome year and I am sure there is much more to come!

Getting My Groove Back

This was cute...

At my office Christmas party, a few of the agents who are real characters got together and made up there own version of the "...for Dummies" book for each person in the office. Each book received a title for their own person dummies book that had something to do with there performance, personality, life event, etc. It was hilarious and went over really well with everyone. Some of the titles of the books were cute and catchy. Some were sort of a roast of the person. It was all in good fun and definitely creative! Well, the title of my book was this... "Getting Your Groove Back for Dummies." I think that this was so, very awesome and fitting for me! 2009 has been a year of getting my life back in order and moving forward with a new outlook and hope for the future. I am really planning on reflecting and writing about the events of 2009 by the end of the year, but I just wanted to share this cute little story of how even those around me have seen a tremendous change in me. I really took it as a compliment and I love it with my whole heart!!

So What Are you Afraid Of?

Over the past few months I have had an amazing journey of self-reflection and introspection that I really would have never thought I would be faced with and definitely not in the manner it has occurred. I have met someone. And he is an amazing someone to say the least. To be honest, I really thought that finding someone who embodied the same morals, values, character attributes and common goals as I felt like finding the ever elusive Bigfoot or even the fabled unicorn. I just thought that was not possible because what I felt, what I cherished and desired for my life was inconsequential and insignificant to those of the opposite sex. Sure, I knew there were quality guys out there - guys who were already spoken for or guys who would only ever be a good friend and never a romantic interest. But... then I met him and continue to be amazed, dumbfounded and moved to my very core by what I see and hear from him. Can this be my elusive unicorn? I don't know.

As we have talked and talked for hours on end, we have come to the conclusion that what we have found in each other just maybe an incredibly unique and deep connection that neither of us ever really expected to find. We may have been a little pessimistic, but for both of us there was a point in time when life just seemed too tough and too unexplained to see very far beyond our present circumstances.

Excitement and anticipation fill my every fiber. Truly. It has been a long time since I have had this kind of reaction to someone. The eagerness to talk to him, the delight that fills me when I see his name pop-up on my phone in the form of a text message and the shear glee of seeing him is overwhelming. So, if I have come across this "ungettable get" of a man what, in fact, am I afraid of? Hmm... What? What? What? I have been able to sort through and toss out a great deal of emotional and mental baggage since my conversations with my manfriend since they began back at the beginning of September, but there is still a sense hesitancy. Bottom line - I am afraid of getting hurt again and loosing all that I had worked so hard for. I am not afraid of a relationship or marriage. Not at all. I want those things in my life because they can be so incredibly rewarding. I am just afraid of experiencing the nearly unbearable pain that I once felt.

I have tried my hardest to live by this motto: "Do not let someone else determine your destiny." Okay, that sounds good and all, but is that really possible? Can I not look back at what happened in my past and not feel scared, even terrified at times, of going through something like that again? Looking back is useless, pointless. I cannot change it or alter it in any way. So why do it? I cannot continue to live my life being afraid of what has already happened. If I do, I will not see my future and can quite possibly miss out on something incredibly special and important. By looking back, I am letting Ben continue to determine my destiny and that makes me very, very angry. The determination I feel raising up in my soul to not let that happen makes me feel strong. It makes me feel tenacious.

Life is too short. A 26-year-old was killed in a car accident last night. Did he ever think he might die at this young age. Probably not. Did have goals and dreams that he wanted to accomplish? I would venture to say yes, he did. But his life is over now. He doesn't get to get up out of bed tomorrow morning and go to work again. He doesn't get to hug his mom again. He doesn't get to love again. But I do. I am still alive and I still have hopes and dreams. Why let the thought of "what if"or "maybe" stop me?

I can get hurt in any relationship no matter who it is with - a best friend, sibling, co-worker. The fact is that I cannot completely insulate myself from being hurt mentally, emotionally and spiritually by another. So why build a wall between myself and someone who wants the best for me and wants to see me happy and wants to possibly love me? Those desire that that person may have for me aren't scary. They are good, positive things that I should embrace and not continually push away just because of the notion of "what if". Chances are that those fears of being hurt to the degree that I was will never come to pass again and if I remain frigid and reluctant then I am going to miss out on a lot of life and be a miserable person in the end. I don't want to be that miserable person. I want to have a fulfilling and meaningful relationship that could quite possibly lead to marriage and a wonderful family life. If I continue to be afraid of the past, then I may never attain that future I so much desire.

Dear Ben

I want to begin this letter to you by saying this simple statement that comes from the very bottom of my heart - I forgive you. I have wanted to tell you this for several months now, but I finally feel that I am able to write those words and truly have the meaning and feeling come from a very deep place in my soul.

This past year and a half has been a whirl-wind, life-changing time for me. This time in my life has led to so many new experiences that I would have never dreamt would be part of my life story. I have learned so much about myself, the world around me and the people who love and support me. The thankfulness that pours out of my spirit is overwhelming at times, but I truly have so much to be grateful for. I have done endless amounts of soul-searching, questioning and reflecting and part of all this exploring has led me to the deepest desire and intense need to forgive you. I have found myself coming full circle and felt I should reach out to you and extend to you my forgiveness whether you have asked for it or not.

I am truly happy and excited about my life and the direction God is taking me. I have been able to move forward and by God’s faithfulness, He has brought so much beauty to my life and part of that beauty is the peace I have in my heart towards you. I just want you to know that I only carry forgiveness for you – no hate, no anger, no bitterness. I am at peace with you and I pray that you have the same peace in your life as well.

I hope you are doing well.

With much forgiveness,

Bethany

A Favor

For some reason when a thought or word hits my mind I like to look it up on Dictionary.com and see the definition and see how clearly defined the word is. For example, the word "favor" has hit me square in the face tonight and here is a short definition of the word:

1. something done or granted out of goodwill, rather than from justice or for remuneration; a kind act: to ask a favor.
2. excessive kindness or unfair partiality; preferential treatment: to treat some people with favor and others with neglect.

Why has this word struck me tonight? Why this word that has such positive meaning and expression? When someone does a favor for you, it usually means that they have done something to benefit the you; an act of kindness is shown from one person to another. As my life moves forward, constantly evolving and changing, I can't help but to think of the great favor Ben actually bestowed upon me by way of all but crushing my spirit and squeezing nearly all of the precious life out of me.

At the time, all hope was completely and devastatingly lost. There was nothing. I was a wasteland - dried, desolate, dark. Now with the anniversary of my divorce fastly approaching, I can't help but to be so thankful for those events that brought me from a place of insignificance and entrapment to this beautiful life that I now lead. Ben did me a favor. His thoughtless and careless actions freed me from that suffocating state of a life of mediocrity, stress and worry of being his wife. I wasn't Bethany. Ben did me a favor. His inhumane and horrific depart from my life has left me to be free - free to be me.

Ben did me a favor. I am now grateful that I don't have to deal with him or his actions. I no longer have to bare the consequences for his actions or lack there of. I can breath again. I am free because Ben did me a favor by leaving me. I get to do what I want, when I want, where I want. I get a second chance at living my life and being more self-aware. I get to be my own person and not tip-toeing around him or his selfish desires. I can be my own person - free of him... Isn't that strange?

Define. Label. Identify. Characterize.

As hard as I try to fight off my friends, family and the rest of the entire world from labeling me as the sad little divorced girl with a horrible tale to tell, I had a friend point out that maybe I, personally, am not seeing beyond what happened therefore defining myself as the sad divorced girl. Translation: I am putting my own label on my forehead and everyone else reads it and takes their ques from me. This thought was eye opening to me to say the least. I need to shift my thinking from focusing on the divorce, Ben and the events associated directly with that to putting the focus on myself and expressing to others who Bethany is - not the Bethany before and during the divorce, but the Bethany after. I sort of see it as needing to train my thinking to not go so far back in time to think on a lesson learned, but rather think about the Bethany who has emerged and what I have learned since. This is a work in progres...

Questions from a Friend

I have been talking with a relatively new friend of mine about my situation with Ben and forgiveness and moving forward. After talking with him, he presented a few qood, key questions that need to be addressed. I am hopeful that by blogging the answers, I will be able to gain some incredible insight to myself and the path I am on. So, here we go...

1) In terms of forgiveness, what is holding me back from forgiving Ben now? Is there anything that I still need to resolve in order to forgive him and move on?

I talk to my mom a lot about the events that took place last summer and fall. I know that I have my own point-of-view with what happened, but I know that that can be skewed or influenced by my own personal agenda and raw emotions. As we talked, she pointed out that there is a difference between the fact that I have moved on from Ben and the fact of forgiving Ben. She pointed out that these two thoughts are separate and independent of one another. I know I have moved on from Ben without a doubt. There is no possible way that I would ever accept him back into my life. I have too much respect for myself to even consider that as a possibility if that event presented itself. He is part of my past, not my future.

Now, as for forgiving him and my the grievances I have towards him and Kerri, those are areas I am actively working through. I kind of see forgiveness as different levels or stages almost like the grief process. My mom sees it as though I am actively forgiving them day by day. The forgiveness is an active verb that is currently happening. It's not going to be an event or a grand "ah-ha" moment. My forgiveness is happening everyday. It's a present progressive verb and describes the ongoing action. "I am forgiving Ben and Kerri." I am being active and seeking that in my daily life. Paul describes it pretty good in this verse:
Philippians 3:12-14
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

I feel that since the breakdown of my marriage happened in the way that it did - so fast and without any explanation - I honestly feel that I had no closure to that relationship. I have had to speculate and hypothesize the possible reasons for the demise of my marriage. Sure, I can say "Well maybe it was because of this or that and that is why he left me." But to be totally and completely honest, I never felt like I got a coherent or lucid answer from him as to why he did what he did. I have shared that I tried to express to Ben over and over that I simply did not know he felt X, Y and Z in our marriage. I thought we were happy and healthy. My entire family thought the same thing. In a way, I guess, if I could get some sort of clarification as to why he did what he did that might really lend to the process and the cloudiness I sometimes feel. I will probably never get that explanation I seek and I have to accept that.

It may take a year or two or it could take 20 years to fully come to forgiveness and feel whole. At least at this point I recognize the need to forgive and it is a present progressive verb in my life. I can talk about Ben and Kerri without my words filled with anger and bitterness. I don't feel hatred. I feel thankful that I am not in that place any more. When I talk about the situation and think about them being together, I no longer have an emotional reaction. I may not have a therapist point-of-view. All I have is my own and the desire to see this through how God wants me to.

2) If I haven't forgiven Ben yet, what is my thought process/decision on starting to develop a possible relationship with someone else? Would that work and if so, how?

Again, I don't want to confuse the two ideas of moving forward from Ben and forgiving Ben. That relationship is in the past. It's over. I am not going back. I am not in love him anymore and I am not waiting at home pining over him. My daily walk of forgiving him is ongoing and as long as I continue to move forward on that path, I think a new relationship is going to come up along that path as well. This may be a good way or very bad way to look at this question; but I almost feel that starting a new relationship is evident of the healing and forgiveness that has already taken place. If I feel that I am mentally and emotionally ready to take that next step in my life, I have only been able to get to that point through time, reflection and healing. There was no possible way that I was going to jump straight into a relationship the day after my divorce was final. Arriving at the point of feeling comfortable in exploring a new relationship is another part of my journey post-divorce. I think it is another part of the healing and forgiving process. I think it is positive that I would like to seek out another relationship and that I am not bitter and jaded towards the thought. There was a time early on post-divorce that I felt that way and wondered why anyone really wants to get married since it can lead to so much hurt. But I have been learning to look at relationship and marriage through the way God initially created them and not what the world has turned them into.

A friend of mine introduced me to a new concept that I had never heard of before. This ideas is called a corrective event. After doing some research thanks to Google.com I found it explained like this - "A re-exposure under favorable circumstances to an emotional situation with which one could not cope with in the past." Whether or not this can be directly applies to my thought process of exploring a new relationship or not, in a way it's kind of how I would answer the above question. I had a bad experience (my relationship and marriage to Ben) and things did not go as I would have anticipated they should have (it ending in divorce due to an affair.) I realize and am cognizant of the fact that I cannot view relationships and marriage in the same light as I view my past experience in those areas. My perception is horribly skewed due to my past experience, but I know that I cannot measure any future relationships against the past. It would be unfair and unreasonable.

3)In my journey of healing, do I think I have rushed myself to move on quickly and maybe overlooked certain aspects of healing after such a devastating experience?

I feel that I can answer this question with a solid no; I do not think I have moved on too quickly. Yes, I have done some cautious exploration into the dating realm and have examined the process of dating and getting into another relationship very carefully. I didn't jump into a new relationship immediately after my divorce was final and I still have not. I have taken the past year to take in my new life and to examine myself. I feel like over the past 18 months, I have met myself for the first time. I know that there are some people out there who crave the romantic relationships of life. They feel that they function more effectively while in a relationship and that they are at their best while with someone. I do agree that being in a relationship can be very healthy and bring out a lot of positives traits in either person. You are exposed to new situations, events and thought process that you may not experience while being single. I also believe that the same goes for being single - new situations, events and thought process can be experienced during that time as well. I was determined to not rush into anything and allow for time to heal and grow as an individual so when I am in my next relationship I can be a happy, healthy, healed contributor of that relationship. I kind of see it this way... Right after my divorce I had a lot of baggage - suitcases, duffle bags, totes, make-up cases. Baggage weighting me down, slowing me down. So, I boarded the train of singlehood not exactly knowing where and when the stops would happen or what direction the train was even going in. I swallowed my fears and insecurities and hopped on board with all my might. As the train made stops throughout the course of the journey of singlehood I got off the train, looked around at the scenery and dropped a piece of luggage. These certain stops included getting through the holidays without sadness or depression, being extremely sick on Christmas day and feeling thankful that I could be at home by myself, going out on my first date, flying to Milwaukee for work, celebrating my 27th birthday, hitting the “one year after” mark, running in the mini, flying to Texas, supporting a friend through a rough pregnancy, guiding a friend through a possible affair herself, passing my Series 6, meeting and celebrating events with many new friends, working out and looking at the option of becoming a personal trainer and looking towards the bright future. Each and every one of these events helped me to see who I am through all of the baggage I was carrying and helped me to put down a piece as well. Now, I don't feel that I have dropped every single piece of baggage that I carry, but I can say with all honesty that my load is lighter and I am gaining more and more freedom form that baggage with ever new life experience I come to. It still may take years for all of that to really, truly be released. It's not an instantaneous event that all of those pieces are dropped to the ground. What I do think though, and what I and hopefully for is that people can see that I am working towards letting all of this baggage that I carry in regards to Ben and the divorce go. That is my goal and that is what I strive towards every day. So no, I don't believe I am trying to move on too quickly and that I am missing certain aspects of the healing process. That is exactly what all of this is - a process. Day in and day out, it's a process and I am continually learning from it.

To sum all of this up, I have a lot to offer and a lot of life left to live. As a favorite saying of mine goes, I will not let someone else affect my destiny. I am in control of my life (well, I guess technically God is in control of my life), but I am not going to let another human being (ie Ben) determine what my life path looks like. It would be a great injustice to allow his thoughtless, hurtful actions decide for me what kind of future I am going to have.