Stream of Conscious

Writing is purging. Writing is purging. Writing is purging. What do I have to purge? I have so much in my soul that is jumping, charging, smashing to get out of my insides. If I don’t let it out it will surely kill me. Kill my brain. Kill my heart. Kill my soul. So much has happened. So much but so little at the same time. Only a year has gone by. But an entire year has gone by! It has moved by at the speed of the growth of a flower and at others it has roared through like a swift thunderstorm that rushes through on a cold front. Before you know it is over. You live in Indiana and don’t like the weather? Wait five minutes, it will change. That’s exactly what happened. All of a sudden it has changed. My life. So fast, so "whoa wait a minute" fast. How do I feel about that. Trying to stay upbeat and positive. There are times, moments when I don’t believe this is my life. There are times when I am glad this is my life. There are times when I want a different life. Stay positive Bethany. You are blessed. Why me? Will he come back? I’ll show him! Mother fucker!! No, he has no idea. He’s hurting. He needs help. Maybe I can help him. Would he care? I hate him. No you don’t. You still love him. I love him, but I am not in love with him. Stupid Ben. He really fucked up his life. What a looser. Whore. Why me? It’s okay. I’m okay. Am I okay? Time. Time will pass. Time passing is good. I just need some time and space. I like you. You are nice. Can I trust you? I am afraid. Did I say something wrong. Dating is hard, hard work! I am having fun. It’s an adventure. Will I always be single? I want children. Do I want children? I am not worthless. I have so much to give. So much love and support. I am a supporter. I feel inadequate. Will anyone ever appreciate my personality and all I have to offer? I am weird. How can anyone ever want me? I am weird and I like to go to bed at a reasonable hour. You think I am pretty? Thank you. I don’t know how to flirt. Do I look okay? Confidence. Have confidence. Lord HELP ME!! I need you. What direction do you want me to go in? What’s my purpose. I thought I had it all planned out. My life and the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids. Being a soccer mom. I hate this. Why me? Who am I? I don’t know how to take care of myself. I am a lover, not a fighter. I love you unconditionally. Give me a chance. I can change. Please don’t do this. I am at zero. Where do I go from here? I am scared. Do I want to kill myself? Sleeping pills would be easy. I have so much to live for. I am blessed. God never gives us more than we can handle. Peace. Turmoil. Rollercoaster. Calm. Ahhh…. Is it over yet? I don’t want a divorce. I am not a divorcee. I am single. Single. Single. Alone. Just me. Can I just quit? Does God want me to get a divorce? Restoration. Love Ben with all your heart. Fast and pray. Fast and pray. Fast and pray. Power of a praying wife. Fast. Write. Blog. I am strong. I am a new person. I am a woman. I love my sister. I love my family. New wineskins. Keep buggering on. KBO! How to survive an affair. Cut him off. Move on. Take care of yourself. Have fun. Run. Run. Run. The treadmill is my therapist. Run. Run. Run. Marathon runner! I am going to Texas! I can fly. I am not afraid. I am going out on my first date! Nervous! I like him. He’s nice. Can I handle this? Get out there and date, date, date! Abandoned. Left. Alone. Crying. Sobbing. Fetal position. Tired. Inconsolable. Fearful. Powerful. Independent. Awesome. You can do this. Why did he do this? What did I do to deserve this? I can change. I want to change. Please stop this and come home. I’m done. It wasn’t empty. I cheated. I want a divorce. I love you. I hate you. I loathe you. I want to forgive you. Can I forgive you? I am okay. I forgive you. I am okay. Am I okay? Prayers with my family. They pray for me. They pray with me. Secluded. Desperate for an end. Happy for a new beginning. I feel good. My mom is proud of me. Be poised. Be graceful. Be a lady. Don’t be nasty. Hold your head up high. Beauty from ashes. God can do anything. I have a greater yes. Does God hear me? Faith. Walk by faith. Isaiah 61. Zephaniah 3. Hebrews 11. Every new day, God does not fail. God can do what He says He can do, god is who He says He is. Believe. Just accept it. He cheated on me, he left me, he divorced me. I tried. I was not a bad wife. I am not a bad person. I did not fail him. I tried. Why won't you talk to me? You were lying to me? I have so much to offer. I want to do things and go places. Don't give up. Keep pressing on. Don't give up. Friends. I have friends and they love me. Thank you. I love my puppy. Sobbing at work. Don't look at me. Write. Blog. Write. Pray. Write. Blog. Fast. Pray. Pray. Pray. Will this ever end? Move on. I have to move on. I have moved on. It feels good.

Fabulous!

It's has been such a long time since I have written and I fully intend to recount the recent months soon. I have decided to take next Monday through Wednesday to fast, pray and write. If I don't intentionally set aside time to do it, it will not happen. I am looking forward to this time and reconnecting with God and purging through prayer and writing.

In brief, I am really doing fabulous! I can’t say that I am 100% better today. Even though time has healed the immediate hurting, it is still there - sometimes faint and others times like a roaring lion. I have had a few personal revelations within the past few weeks about myself, Ben and the direction I want my life to go in. The first is that I have come to terms with the fact that I have a lot of anger and bitterness in my heart towards Ben. I had never admitted that because it is so unpleasant and ungodly. Once I openly admitted to myself that I was angry and I was bitter, it was like a light bulb coming on. I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to be bitter. Those emotions only lead to more negative thoughts and habits. They can hold me back in life if I let them. But I will not let them do that. I am determined to overcome those feelings and set my heart and mind to good and positive thoughts towards Ben and my new life.

The second revelation was that I need to accept the fact that Ben will always be apart of who I was. I have so many good and happy memories of Ben and with Ben that there is no possible way to continually ignore them and want to cut them out of my life. That is not possible and then my life would be negative 10 years of events just because they had Ben in them. I have not and will not cut up all of my pictures of Ben nor will I throw out any love letters or mementos. That was who I was. That was my life and I am thankful for that part of me.

The third revelation was that I want to reach out to Ben and let him know that I am okay. I am healthy and happy and able to move forward without him. I am hopeful that if I am able to share with him my healing and my progress and my new life, then he will be able to move forward with his new life and forgive himself for what he did. This may or may not be an instant positive reaction, but if he knows that I am okay I am hopeful that it would help him in some small way. He is a good person too and has so much to offer that it would be a shame if he does not reach his full potential even without me. I want to help Ben heal.

My fourth revelation was the simple fact that in my I head I was able to say, “Ben, I am okay and I forgive you.” I had never done that before, but that thought came with such ease it kind of threw me for a loop. I didn’t expect it. But since I didn’t have to force and coach myself into thinking and feeling it, I am hopeful that it was not a fleeting moment of grace but a true reaction and thought process.

I really feel like I am heading in a solid, fulfilling direction in my life. I am amazed to my very core that over a year has passed and where I a mentally in all of the chaos that occurred. I can say I am thankful, but that doesn't even begin to describe what I feel in my heart. Being thankful doesn't even cover the extreme greatfulness that I feel for all I have and all I have been through. This feeling of contenment, joy, happiness, peace and love just wants to pour out of me and show everyone what God has done for me in my life inspite of the hell and torment I went through last year.

Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Every New Day...

As I was getting ready for work this morning, I was listening to Moody Radio and every day they have these little daily devotionals from Ron Hutchcraft and today's message really caught my attention. In particular it was this verse: Every new day, He will not fail. - Zephaniah 3:5.

We are human and we are going to fail on another. It's inevitable. We are going to make mistakes and fall over and over, but my peace and assurance is that God will not fail me. He will catch me every time I am gloriously human and make mistakes. Everyday as I see the sunrise, that is my promise that He has made another day and God has not failed me. Is there a human out there who can make the sunrise and is without fault? No.

The need to forgive my ex is abundantly clear as I write this blog. I am human and I fail. He is human and he fails. I failed him on a certain level and he failed me on a different level. Forgiveness is acknowledging the failure and saying I know you are not perfect and because we are both human and destined to fail, I forgive you and your imperfections, shortfalls, failures and from that point on living and understanding that there has been forgivness. Accepting that forgiveness was given and moving on with that forgiveness set in the heart and mind.

Twenty-seven

Whew! I never knew I could be so happy to be turning a year older! My spirit is so happy to be turing 27 today and finally get 26 behind me. Half of it was bad - very, very bad. But once the divorce was final, things started looking up. I felt better. My thoughts were more clear. I felt confident and secure. It was as if I had been in a horrific storm that seemed to never end and then finally it stopped - almost as quickly as it had started. I was able to asses the damage and begin to pick up my life and put it back together again. I can really see and feel God's healing touch in my life. I wasn't physically ill, but my spirit had been crushed - my heart was broken. But I know I am doing much, much better than I had ever expected. I am so thankful for all I have in my life. Every need I have had has been met. And my spirit is happy. My life is different. My life has a new, dynamic feel to it. It's subtle, but I can see and feel it. I have been faced with new situations, new thought processes and new people. I am not sure I would have ever had them in my previous life. Everything is different, but I am learning that that is okay and I am going to be okay.

Heneni

Here I am - that is what the Hebrew word "heneni" translates to. Here I am. I have been so curious and puzzled as to why I am who I am and why I am where I am. As I was driving into work this morning, I was praying and thinking and finally said "You know God, I don't want to be in control anymore." Being in control leads to stress and worry and I want to move on from that place of unfaithfulness. When God called to Abraham, he answered "Here I am." Heneni... Here I am Lord. What do you want from me.? What do you want me to do? Why is it that I am in this particular place and time? What can I do? Who do you want me to become? What do you want me to say?

Here I am, Lord. Send me. I long to be open to you and to see you move in my life. You have brought me to this place and I cry out to you HENENI!

Understanding

I am not sure if I will ever fully understand why my life has taken the course it has. After reading some of my old entries, I barely recognize the person who wrote them. I read the words and remember, but I am not that person anymore. It is almost an out-of-body experience. I remember writing those thoughts and feelings. I remember the agony I felt, but I am not that person anymore. I am Bethany. I am happy. I am healing.

I was reading in my devotion this morning and it was Proverbs 3:5 - Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. I remember the time and the place when I received the phone call from Ben telling me that he wanted a divorce. I was at my friend, Sarah's, house. We were watching synchronized diving of the 2008 Summer Olympics. After the phone call her and I went on a walk around Carmel and I cried and she encouraged me. I remember saying to her "I just don't understand." Immediately after saying those words I remembered a portion of that Proverbs verse - do not lean on your own understanding. I remember it so vividly. Nearly 8 months later, I remembered that time and place as I read that verse this morning and I was left in awe as I thought of that moment in late August. Look at how far I have come. Look at what I have accomplished and overcome. Look at the joy and the thankfulness that fills my life. Look. Understanding doesn't come at the exact moment you want it to come. Full understanding still has not seeped into my soul, but I see now that I am on a different road - a better road that still has opportunities for me left and right. I never thought I could feel whole again. Ben was such in integral part of me and who I was and my life. But I don't need that. I am who I am and slowly I gain a little more understanding with each day that passes.

Anew

As time marches on and I slowly settle into my new life, my thought process had changed. Maybe drastically, maybe slightly - but it has changed and I am encouraged by it.

My life is different now. Very different. I am learning so much about who I am and how I function. I am learning that I can be independent and survive without the assistance of anyone. That is such an incredible feeling. I can do this! I am really loving my life and all of the people in it. I am so thankful. My heart is joyful again and life is worth living even if it's not how I wanted it to turn out. I have so many different opportunities now that I did not have when I was married. They aren't drastic, life-altering opportunities but they are there and it's been a challenge to really see it I want to accept them or not.

I am anew. I am happy. I am thankful. I am happy.

I do not want my old life back. I do not want him back. I do not want to go back.

I am moving forward and have a new "friend" interest that is exciting with a ton of potential. I am moving on with my life and feel nothing but sadness for my ex and all that he faces in life now.