Ahh... hell is finally over. I know my now-ex signed the papers today and all that is left to do is to go before the judge and have it officially stamped into the history books. I am divorced. That is weired. Weired to to see,weird to think, weired to be. Six months ago today he dropped the atomic bomb of his unfaithfulness to an innocent and unsuspecting wife and ever since there has been fallout of epic porportion. How I survived it is beyond all comprehension. As I live and breathe, I thought for sure I would be a mental, emotional and spiritual causality of this historical event that took place. I had always thought that I would, in all aspects of the word, die from devastation if I were ever faced with such an event as an unfaithful spouse. I loved him. I was faithful to him. I honored and respected him. I provided for him. I did the best I knew how to for him. Not being careless with my feelings,but I sigh with a simple thought: "Oh well." I know that with every breath I breathe and every thought I have, I know beyond the great beyond that I did my absolute best to him and for him. What did he do with it? Threw it all away for a moment of passion. I can live with myself. I can move on. I can live a life free from thoughts of guilt and shame. I am free. He is not.
It is not easy. It is a great fight for me to just lift my head off of the pillow in the morning. But I do and I am proud of that very fact. I am a survivor - not survivor of cancer or a disease that doesn't have a cure - I am a survivor of a broken heart. There is a cure for that and that cure is time. Day in and day out. Time is the only cure for this brokenness that is so overwhelming at times I can't even smile and it is tough pill to swallow. There is not instant relief from this pain - although there are brief glimpses of the happiness that once was and will be again.
But when I am able to see beyond is temporary sadness, I see with clear eyes - free from the tears that have so often stained my cheeks - that I am blessed. Blessed with a wonderful family that loves me to the core of my being - beyond all of my faults and imperfections. I sit here watching them from a short distance as we begin dinner time around a table full of wonderful food and a warm fire. The air smells of chocolate chip cookies and a fire flickers and glows in the corner. What more could anyone in this world ask for? I am blessed and I have the love of a Father from above, the support from a great family and friends who call to check in on me and to lend an ear to my words of confusion. I have a great little apartment in a quaint little town, an adorable dog who greets me at the door with love affection, a great job with a boss who has morals and values that are rare to find and a car that is just as cute as me. I am blessed and I realize now more than ever that I have everything I need and so much more.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
From Here to Where?
What an amazingly rough, tough and tumble six months it has been. Cheated on, left and divorced all by a man who I thought could conquer the world with his humor and his million dollar smile.
I signed my portion of the divorce papers this afternoon and I had a little bit of emotion come through in the form of tears and cries for help to God, but now I am back at work and feeling more peace rushing through me than I have in a long while.
Ahh... peace.
Feels good.
I am sad and devastate that my once thought "fairy tale" marriage has ended on the guillotine of adultery. Another death of the promise of "forever" to a world so cynical towards a solid marriage that a marriage that lasts 50+ years is an oddity and marriages like mine are a daily special on the menu of life. Even though it seems so foreign to my mind, the fact that my marriage has ended is not as catastrophic as it once was when my grandmother was a young girl of 26 with two strapping young boys by her side and a handsome farmer husband in the fields taking in the harvest. I am the norm.
I hate it! Why is it so easy (and so cost effective in my situation) to get a divorce? I was engaged for two years, planning and re planning my glorious day as a blushing bride. With the wedding rings, the dress, the food, the flowers and the honeymoon it cost nearly $10,000 to get married. It has only taken 60 days and $180.50 of my hard earned money to get divorced plus my ex owes me $1300 to settle out "estate" (which includes an 11-year-old BMW and a dog adopted through the humane society.)
Well, what is done is done and I find myself actually very eager to close this chapter in my life. Why? I guess it has something to do with the overwhelming, at time suffocating sadness I have been flooded with over the past 6 months. I have felt sorrow and remorse as if my ex had actually died, but without any life insurance money to help ease the pain of being alone, abandoned in the world. The fact that he didn't die, but left me for another woman (and I use that term loosely) only compounds the emotions I feel. There has been no closure. He is still alive and, unfortunately, well walking around this world in the company of another while I come to grips with the fact for the first time in my entire adult life I am single. Not dating, not engaged, not married - single.
So, the question is from here to where? Where do I go from here? What do I do from this point on in my life? All of a sudden I do not have any goals or aspirations for myself. Sure, I had them when I was married. We had joint goals, joint aspirations, but now there is nothing. I have the greatest gift anyone should be so fortunate to receive - I get to reevaluated everything in my life and start a new. That is one gigantically intimidating thought, but at the same time is refreshing and awe inspiring.
I really don't know what is next in line for me at this moment. I am just breathing a little sigh of relief, but smothered in remorse for my dead and decaying, once beautiful, marriage. It's going to take awhile to figure things out, but I am looking forward to the new adventure I am about to embark on - single hood. It's going to be one hell of a ride, that's for sure.
Revelation 21:5
He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."
I signed my portion of the divorce papers this afternoon and I had a little bit of emotion come through in the form of tears and cries for help to God, but now I am back at work and feeling more peace rushing through me than I have in a long while.
Ahh... peace.
Feels good.
I am sad and devastate that my once thought "fairy tale" marriage has ended on the guillotine of adultery. Another death of the promise of "forever" to a world so cynical towards a solid marriage that a marriage that lasts 50+ years is an oddity and marriages like mine are a daily special on the menu of life. Even though it seems so foreign to my mind, the fact that my marriage has ended is not as catastrophic as it once was when my grandmother was a young girl of 26 with two strapping young boys by her side and a handsome farmer husband in the fields taking in the harvest. I am the norm.
I hate it! Why is it so easy (and so cost effective in my situation) to get a divorce? I was engaged for two years, planning and re planning my glorious day as a blushing bride. With the wedding rings, the dress, the food, the flowers and the honeymoon it cost nearly $10,000 to get married. It has only taken 60 days and $180.50 of my hard earned money to get divorced plus my ex owes me $1300 to settle out "estate" (which includes an 11-year-old BMW and a dog adopted through the humane society.)
Well, what is done is done and I find myself actually very eager to close this chapter in my life. Why? I guess it has something to do with the overwhelming, at time suffocating sadness I have been flooded with over the past 6 months. I have felt sorrow and remorse as if my ex had actually died, but without any life insurance money to help ease the pain of being alone, abandoned in the world. The fact that he didn't die, but left me for another woman (and I use that term loosely) only compounds the emotions I feel. There has been no closure. He is still alive and, unfortunately, well walking around this world in the company of another while I come to grips with the fact for the first time in my entire adult life I am single. Not dating, not engaged, not married - single.
So, the question is from here to where? Where do I go from here? What do I do from this point on in my life? All of a sudden I do not have any goals or aspirations for myself. Sure, I had them when I was married. We had joint goals, joint aspirations, but now there is nothing. I have the greatest gift anyone should be so fortunate to receive - I get to reevaluated everything in my life and start a new. That is one gigantically intimidating thought, but at the same time is refreshing and awe inspiring.
I really don't know what is next in line for me at this moment. I am just breathing a little sigh of relief, but smothered in remorse for my dead and decaying, once beautiful, marriage. It's going to take awhile to figure things out, but I am looking forward to the new adventure I am about to embark on - single hood. It's going to be one hell of a ride, that's for sure.
Revelation 21:5
He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."
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