From Here to Where?

What an amazingly rough, tough and tumble six months it has been. Cheated on, left and divorced all by a man who I thought could conquer the world with his humor and his million dollar smile.

I signed my portion of the divorce papers this afternoon and I had a little bit of emotion come through in the form of tears and cries for help to God, but now I am back at work and feeling more peace rushing through me than I have in a long while.

Ahh... peace.

Feels good.

I am sad and devastate that my once thought "fairy tale" marriage has ended on the guillotine of adultery. Another death of the promise of "forever" to a world so cynical towards a solid marriage that a marriage that lasts 50+ years is an oddity and marriages like mine are a daily special on the menu of life. Even though it seems so foreign to my mind, the fact that my marriage has ended is not as catastrophic as it once was when my grandmother was a young girl of 26 with two strapping young boys by her side and a handsome farmer husband in the fields taking in the harvest. I am the norm.

I hate it! Why is it so easy (and so cost effective in my situation) to get a divorce? I was engaged for two years, planning and re planning my glorious day as a blushing bride. With the wedding rings, the dress, the food, the flowers and the honeymoon it cost nearly $10,000 to get married. It has only taken 60 days and $180.50 of my hard earned money to get divorced plus my ex owes me $1300 to settle out "estate" (which includes an 11-year-old BMW and a dog adopted through the humane society.)

Well, what is done is done and I find myself actually very eager to close this chapter in my life. Why? I guess it has something to do with the overwhelming, at time suffocating sadness I have been flooded with over the past 6 months. I have felt sorrow and remorse as if my ex had actually died, but without any life insurance money to help ease the pain of being alone, abandoned in the world. The fact that he didn't die, but left me for another woman (and I use that term loosely) only compounds the emotions I feel. There has been no closure. He is still alive and, unfortunately, well walking around this world in the company of another while I come to grips with the fact for the first time in my entire adult life I am single. Not dating, not engaged, not married - single.

So, the question is from here to where? Where do I go from here? What do I do from this point on in my life? All of a sudden I do not have any goals or aspirations for myself. Sure, I had them when I was married. We had joint goals, joint aspirations, but now there is nothing. I have the greatest gift anyone should be so fortunate to receive - I get to reevaluated everything in my life and start a new. That is one gigantically intimidating thought, but at the same time is refreshing and awe inspiring.

I really don't know what is next in line for me at this moment. I am just breathing a little sigh of relief, but smothered in remorse for my dead and decaying, once beautiful, marriage. It's going to take awhile to figure things out, but I am looking forward to the new adventure I am about to embark on - single hood. It's going to be one hell of a ride, that's for sure.

Revelation 21:5
He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."