Understanding

I am not sure if I will ever fully understand why my life has taken the course it has. After reading some of my old entries, I barely recognize the person who wrote them. I read the words and remember, but I am not that person anymore. It is almost an out-of-body experience. I remember writing those thoughts and feelings. I remember the agony I felt, but I am not that person anymore. I am Bethany. I am happy. I am healing.

I was reading in my devotion this morning and it was Proverbs 3:5 - Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. I remember the time and the place when I received the phone call from Ben telling me that he wanted a divorce. I was at my friend, Sarah's, house. We were watching synchronized diving of the 2008 Summer Olympics. After the phone call her and I went on a walk around Carmel and I cried and she encouraged me. I remember saying to her "I just don't understand." Immediately after saying those words I remembered a portion of that Proverbs verse - do not lean on your own understanding. I remember it so vividly. Nearly 8 months later, I remembered that time and place as I read that verse this morning and I was left in awe as I thought of that moment in late August. Look at how far I have come. Look at what I have accomplished and overcome. Look at the joy and the thankfulness that fills my life. Look. Understanding doesn't come at the exact moment you want it to come. Full understanding still has not seeped into my soul, but I see now that I am on a different road - a better road that still has opportunities for me left and right. I never thought I could feel whole again. Ben was such in integral part of me and who I was and my life. But I don't need that. I am who I am and slowly I gain a little more understanding with each day that passes.