Then & Now

Am I really a different person than I was before my life changed forever? Have I really changed? Have I grown and matured? Or am I just fooling myself and thinking I am a different person when in all reality I am the same old Bethany?



Who was I 16 months ago?
I was numb to life in a sense. I was going through the motions. Trying to build a life on very little money. I lived and breathed for Ben. I really truly did. I loved him with such a fierce devotion that all I ever wanted to do was make him happy, support him in everything he did in his career and keep him safe from the world and, at times, himself. I was worried, fearful, closed up. I was set in my routine. Get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed. Repeat. I never really felt like I had the opportunity to have fun. I felt as if I were Ben's mother, keeping him out of harms way, reining him in and telling him no. He didn't have a stop button. It felt like he would always go a bit too far in his jokes or overstay his welcome, drink too much and never get enough sleep. Why did I feel like I had to be the responsible one in my marriage and ensure that things got done? I guess I couldn't rely on Ben. It felt like if I ever asked him to do something, it wouldn't get done or only half way. I felt like he wasn't responsible enough for my level of maturity. Maybe so, maybe not. That's just how I feel. Maybe I didn't give him the opportunity to shine as a man in our marriage. What I do remember is that he worked a lot - early in the morning to late a night. If something needed to be done, I had to do it because his schedule was so unreliable. I did the shopping, the bills, the scheduling. I didn't have any friends to hang out with. Ben was my friend and I thought that was all I needed. We did everything together and I thought that was how it was supposed to be. I never wanted to be away from him. I was a very fearful person. I never wanted to be stretched to do new things. I depended on him for my mental security. I needed him to be at home with me. I needed him to want to be safe so that I wouldn't loose him in accident. I was afraid to be by myself. I hated going out late with him and being in a crowd. I felt so dependent on him for my happiness. I felt like he made me happy. He was all I needed to be happy. In a way he and his presence in my life for 10 years defined who I was. Even though he defined me there were times when I felt he held me back and I am sure there were times when I held him back. That's the give and take of any relationship, right? I guess, the bottom line is that with Ben I was a very scared person. Scared of loosing him, scared of living life, scared to do new things, scared to be apart from him. Unsure of myself, dependent on him, no confidence.

Who am I today?
That is a good question. I would have to say I am not that fearful person anymore or not the extent I was with Ben. I don't have to worry anymore about him and his actions. He is not a concern of mine now and it is a very free feeling. I can do what I want, when I want and only have to feel responsible to myself and my actions. I would have to say that I am more open to different experiences. I have ran a half marathon, traveled and have gained several awesome groups of friends. I am involved at church and even trying out the dating scene. I live on my own and am able to support myself financially. I feel independent now instead of dependent. That is a very powerful feeling. I am a young, attractive, single gal living and working in the city and navigating my way through life events. I love to run and cook. I love my family and my dog. My apartment is my home and I get to decorate it how I want to. I can come and go as I please without feeling responsible for someone else and letting them down. Who am I? I am a more dynamic, experienced person who in spite of all that has happened, is thriving and just may be a better person because of it. I almost feel like my life could be a best-seller, one that so many young women could relate to and see that they aren't the only ones who have gone through hell and fought their way back and are better than ever!

I know this post is probably a bit of rambling. It's just where my thoughts take me and it's an incredible journey!

Philippians 1:6 Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.