Heneni

Here I am - that is what the Hebrew word "heneni" translates to. Here I am. I have been so curious and puzzled as to why I am who I am and why I am where I am. As I was driving into work this morning, I was praying and thinking and finally said "You know God, I don't want to be in control anymore." Being in control leads to stress and worry and I want to move on from that place of unfaithfulness. When God called to Abraham, he answered "Here I am." Heneni... Here I am Lord. What do you want from me.? What do you want me to do? Why is it that I am in this particular place and time? What can I do? Who do you want me to become? What do you want me to say?

Here I am, Lord. Send me. I long to be open to you and to see you move in my life. You have brought me to this place and I cry out to you HENENI!

Understanding

I am not sure if I will ever fully understand why my life has taken the course it has. After reading some of my old entries, I barely recognize the person who wrote them. I read the words and remember, but I am not that person anymore. It is almost an out-of-body experience. I remember writing those thoughts and feelings. I remember the agony I felt, but I am not that person anymore. I am Bethany. I am happy. I am healing.

I was reading in my devotion this morning and it was Proverbs 3:5 - Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. I remember the time and the place when I received the phone call from Ben telling me that he wanted a divorce. I was at my friend, Sarah's, house. We were watching synchronized diving of the 2008 Summer Olympics. After the phone call her and I went on a walk around Carmel and I cried and she encouraged me. I remember saying to her "I just don't understand." Immediately after saying those words I remembered a portion of that Proverbs verse - do not lean on your own understanding. I remember it so vividly. Nearly 8 months later, I remembered that time and place as I read that verse this morning and I was left in awe as I thought of that moment in late August. Look at how far I have come. Look at what I have accomplished and overcome. Look at the joy and the thankfulness that fills my life. Look. Understanding doesn't come at the exact moment you want it to come. Full understanding still has not seeped into my soul, but I see now that I am on a different road - a better road that still has opportunities for me left and right. I never thought I could feel whole again. Ben was such in integral part of me and who I was and my life. But I don't need that. I am who I am and slowly I gain a little more understanding with each day that passes.

Anew

As time marches on and I slowly settle into my new life, my thought process had changed. Maybe drastically, maybe slightly - but it has changed and I am encouraged by it.

My life is different now. Very different. I am learning so much about who I am and how I function. I am learning that I can be independent and survive without the assistance of anyone. That is such an incredible feeling. I can do this! I am really loving my life and all of the people in it. I am so thankful. My heart is joyful again and life is worth living even if it's not how I wanted it to turn out. I have so many different opportunities now that I did not have when I was married. They aren't drastic, life-altering opportunities but they are there and it's been a challenge to really see it I want to accept them or not.

I am anew. I am happy. I am thankful. I am happy.

I do not want my old life back. I do not want him back. I do not want to go back.

I am moving forward and have a new "friend" interest that is exciting with a ton of potential. I am moving on with my life and feel nothing but sadness for my ex and all that he faces in life now.

Glass Wall

I feel so desperate to be free from the emotions, thoughts and memories from my ex. I know it hasn't even been a year yet. I know that I need time. I know that this isn't going to heal overnight. I know that! But I just wish I could really let myself forgive him and move on. I feel like no matter how much progress I make mentally and emotionally, I am still hitting this glass wall that is my ex even though he is no longer in my life. And I just can't seem to shatter that glass and move past my past. I haven't been able to do that yet and it's very frustrating. I don't want to be tied to those emotions any longer. I want to be free. Free to love again. Free to really have fun and have a life that is beyond him. He and what he has done to me is this glass wall that holds me back and I really want to break through it with all my power, but I still feel held back.

Puzzled

I don't want him so why am I still hung up on him? I don't I want my ex anymore. I am happy. I am free. So why do I still struggle day in and day out with thoughts about him and questions that will never be answered? I know I still love him, but I am not in love with him. I love him, but in a caring way - not in a wifely way. How can I move on and tear myself from him and all of the feelings, thoughts, actions and hope I had for him and with him? I am very puzzled by this... How can I move on when I still feel consumed by him, his once love for me and his actions? How can I separate that time in my life from now?

I don't want him. I want me and my happiness and my dreams and my love.

Head Trash

Growing up, I am proud to say that I always felt like I had great self-confidence. Nothing over the top or in your face confidence, but I was happy with who I was and never really thought about what others thought of me. It seemed that I was always well liked and easy to get along with. I wasn't one of the popular girls in high school, but that was OK. I knew I was smart, well dressed, well behaved and fairly pretty. I accepted myself and I was happy.

Well, recently I have come to discover that for the first time in my life I question my personality and who I am and what I like. I question if I truly am a likable person or if my personality is just annoying to those who meet me and take the chance to get to know me. Sure, the outside looks pretty and well packaged, but once you get to know the person inside is it as they expected? Or are they completely turned off by what they discover underneath?

My ex rejected me and left but why? Thanks to him I now feel unlikeable and hideous - like my personality and my likes and dislikes are so detestable that I wonder how anyone could possibly want to get to know me and want to date me.

I am a simple, low-key person. Not much mess, not much fuss. I truly enjoy staying at home cleaning, cooking, reading, walking my dog, watching a movie. I really am enjoying the single life. I like doing what I want to do without worrying about anyone else. I actually love it and even though I do want to get married again (some day), I am truly embracing the solitude and stress-free life that is mine now. It's OK to me that I want to stay at home on a Saturday night and bake cookies, bathe my dog and do laundry. That is what I like. That is what I want to do. Why can't people accept that about me? Why do I have to want to go out and drink and be in a smoke filled bar yelling at the person next to me to have a conversation?

What is wrong with me? Why did he leave me? What about me did he find so intolerable that his only solution was to cheat on me, leave and never give me or our marriage a second thought?

Like I said... head trash...

A While...

Gosh... It's been a while since I have posted and I was acutally considering shutting my blog down, but after reading through a few of my old posts, I see that this is what I need. This is where I have to unload, figure out things and confuse myself with my own thoughts, but for the entire world to read.

It's been about a month and a half since the divorce was final and I am actually doing very well mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually (have I forgotten one?)... I am not saying that I am completely healed of the hurt I experienced (not by a long shot!) and totally over my ex, but each day there is some sort of progress or realization that comes. God has truly been with me every step of the way and my heart over flows with thankfulness of all He has done for me.

I got through the holidays with not much if any depression or loneliness. I actually spent Christmas Eve and Christmas day at home, by myself sicker than I had ever been sick before. But I didn't feel sad. I was just thankful that I wasn't missing any get together those days.

I have started "training" for the mini-marathon in May. It's been really good for me to go to the gym, crank up the music and just run until I can't run any longer (which isn't that far, but hey it's a start!) I am getting involved at church through a ministry called "Helping Hands" (we cook for those who aren't able to due to a death or new birth.) And I just love my friends! They have been very good to me and supportive. My job is going very well and with a new year ahead of us we have set goals to achieve and hopefully do much better sales wise than 2008.

I am thankful that I have not gotten myself into a relationship right off the bat. There are a few guys out there who have voiced some interest, but I am just not ready for that and it might be a while until I get to that point at all. I am okay with that though. I am thoroughly enjoying myself being myself and doing what I want to do and when I want to do it. Being truly selfish for now and I like it. It's time to do that and it's all good.

I am just so eager to put as much distance between myself and that time in my life. Time really does heal and I look forward to a year from now and being able to say "I am doing awesome... so much better than I deserve!" And I know that it's not me or my strength that is getting me through this time in my life. It's my Lord and He is worthy to be praised!

I'm back and I'm blogging! Enjoy!