As I was driving in my car day before yesterday I was listening to a Christian radio station and wasn't paying too much attention to the topic of conversation. But a small statement caught my attention and really got me thinking. The statement had to do with rerouting and going in a new direction. To reroute means to change the route or path of, to send another way. You are on a path and it turns out it was the wrong path and something happens and the path is different from where you were. I never thought of my marriage is the wrong path. I actually thought I was on the right one and heading in the right direction in my life. I am not sure why or how I got onto the wrong path. It wasn't a conscious decision that I made. I never thought I was doing something wrong, but maybe I was. Maybe God has a different life planned for me and the only thing He could do was to drastically reroute me and my plans I had for my life.
It's old news to me now - my life is different. My life was turned on its side and violently shaken to its core. I am thankful now that the shaking has stopped and the path has changed. I am happy. I like my new path even though at first it seemed unbearable and treacherous. I don't really have any answers. I don't really know where this new path is going to take me. I don't really know what God's plans are for my life. I seek His will and I embrace it - sometimes willingly and at other times not so willingly. It's not easy and I have a multitude of unanswered questions that will most likely never end. But I am okay with that. If I can find the peace and faith to trust God, then everything will work out and the light at the end of the tunnel is extremely, powerfully bright.
Rerouted. I was wrong. Things changed. New path. Exciting.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Then & Now
Am I really a different person than I was before my life changed forever? Have I really changed? Have I grown and matured? Or am I just fooling myself and thinking I am a different person when in all reality I am the same old Bethany?
Who was I 16 months ago?
I was numb to life in a sense. I was going through the motions. Trying to build a life on very little money. I lived and breathed for Ben. I really truly did. I loved him with such a fierce devotion that all I ever wanted to do was make him happy, support him in everything he did in his career and keep him safe from the world and, at times, himself. I was worried, fearful, closed up. I was set in my routine. Get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed. Repeat. I never really felt like I had the opportunity to have fun. I felt as if I were Ben's mother, keeping him out of harms way, reining him in and telling him no. He didn't have a stop button. It felt like he would always go a bit too far in his jokes or overstay his welcome, drink too much and never get enough sleep. Why did I feel like I had to be the responsible one in my marriage and ensure that things got done? I guess I couldn't rely on Ben. It felt like if I ever asked him to do something, it wouldn't get done or only half way. I felt like he wasn't responsible enough for my level of maturity. Maybe so, maybe not. That's just how I feel. Maybe I didn't give him the opportunity to shine as a man in our marriage. What I do remember is that he worked a lot - early in the morning to late a night. If something needed to be done, I had to do it because his schedule was so unreliable. I did the shopping, the bills, the scheduling. I didn't have any friends to hang out with. Ben was my friend and I thought that was all I needed. We did everything together and I thought that was how it was supposed to be. I never wanted to be away from him. I was a very fearful person. I never wanted to be stretched to do new things. I depended on him for my mental security. I needed him to be at home with me. I needed him to want to be safe so that I wouldn't loose him in accident. I was afraid to be by myself. I hated going out late with him and being in a crowd. I felt so dependent on him for my happiness. I felt like he made me happy. He was all I needed to be happy. In a way he and his presence in my life for 10 years defined who I was. Even though he defined me there were times when I felt he held me back and I am sure there were times when I held him back. That's the give and take of any relationship, right? I guess, the bottom line is that with Ben I was a very scared person. Scared of loosing him, scared of living life, scared to do new things, scared to be apart from him. Unsure of myself, dependent on him, no confidence.
Who am I today?
That is a good question. I would have to say I am not that fearful person anymore or not the extent I was with Ben. I don't have to worry anymore about him and his actions. He is not a concern of mine now and it is a very free feeling. I can do what I want, when I want and only have to feel responsible to myself and my actions. I would have to say that I am more open to different experiences. I have ran a half marathon, traveled and have gained several awesome groups of friends. I am involved at church and even trying out the dating scene. I live on my own and am able to support myself financially. I feel independent now instead of dependent. That is a very powerful feeling. I am a young, attractive, single gal living and working in the city and navigating my way through life events. I love to run and cook. I love my family and my dog. My apartment is my home and I get to decorate it how I want to. I can come and go as I please without feeling responsible for someone else and letting them down. Who am I? I am a more dynamic, experienced person who in spite of all that has happened, is thriving and just may be a better person because of it. I almost feel like my life could be a best-seller, one that so many young women could relate to and see that they aren't the only ones who have gone through hell and fought their way back and are better than ever!
I know this post is probably a bit of rambling. It's just where my thoughts take me and it's an incredible journey!
Philippians 1:6 Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Who was I 16 months ago?
I was numb to life in a sense. I was going through the motions. Trying to build a life on very little money. I lived and breathed for Ben. I really truly did. I loved him with such a fierce devotion that all I ever wanted to do was make him happy, support him in everything he did in his career and keep him safe from the world and, at times, himself. I was worried, fearful, closed up. I was set in my routine. Get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed. Repeat. I never really felt like I had the opportunity to have fun. I felt as if I were Ben's mother, keeping him out of harms way, reining him in and telling him no. He didn't have a stop button. It felt like he would always go a bit too far in his jokes or overstay his welcome, drink too much and never get enough sleep. Why did I feel like I had to be the responsible one in my marriage and ensure that things got done? I guess I couldn't rely on Ben. It felt like if I ever asked him to do something, it wouldn't get done or only half way. I felt like he wasn't responsible enough for my level of maturity. Maybe so, maybe not. That's just how I feel. Maybe I didn't give him the opportunity to shine as a man in our marriage. What I do remember is that he worked a lot - early in the morning to late a night. If something needed to be done, I had to do it because his schedule was so unreliable. I did the shopping, the bills, the scheduling. I didn't have any friends to hang out with. Ben was my friend and I thought that was all I needed. We did everything together and I thought that was how it was supposed to be. I never wanted to be away from him. I was a very fearful person. I never wanted to be stretched to do new things. I depended on him for my mental security. I needed him to be at home with me. I needed him to want to be safe so that I wouldn't loose him in accident. I was afraid to be by myself. I hated going out late with him and being in a crowd. I felt so dependent on him for my happiness. I felt like he made me happy. He was all I needed to be happy. In a way he and his presence in my life for 10 years defined who I was. Even though he defined me there were times when I felt he held me back and I am sure there were times when I held him back. That's the give and take of any relationship, right? I guess, the bottom line is that with Ben I was a very scared person. Scared of loosing him, scared of living life, scared to do new things, scared to be apart from him. Unsure of myself, dependent on him, no confidence.
Who am I today?
That is a good question. I would have to say I am not that fearful person anymore or not the extent I was with Ben. I don't have to worry anymore about him and his actions. He is not a concern of mine now and it is a very free feeling. I can do what I want, when I want and only have to feel responsible to myself and my actions. I would have to say that I am more open to different experiences. I have ran a half marathon, traveled and have gained several awesome groups of friends. I am involved at church and even trying out the dating scene. I live on my own and am able to support myself financially. I feel independent now instead of dependent. That is a very powerful feeling. I am a young, attractive, single gal living and working in the city and navigating my way through life events. I love to run and cook. I love my family and my dog. My apartment is my home and I get to decorate it how I want to. I can come and go as I please without feeling responsible for someone else and letting them down. Who am I? I am a more dynamic, experienced person who in spite of all that has happened, is thriving and just may be a better person because of it. I almost feel like my life could be a best-seller, one that so many young women could relate to and see that they aren't the only ones who have gone through hell and fought their way back and are better than ever!
I know this post is probably a bit of rambling. It's just where my thoughts take me and it's an incredible journey!
Philippians 1:6 Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Desires of Bethany's Heart
I am 27 and for the first time in my adult life I am beginning to feel the real desire to have a children and it is very strange. I guess it might just be all of the baby mania going on around me. I have had four fairly close friends have babies recently and I can feel myself wanting what they have. Plus I am watching season 8 of "Friends" and this is the when Rachel is pregnant so of course that just adds fuel to the fire!
I have never, ever been a baby person who is eager to babysit and coo over a child. When I was in high school, I always said that I would much rather mow the lawn than babysit! Now I look forward to helping out in the nursery at church and I have even considered offering to babysit for my friends! I have never even changed a diaper and her I am willing to spend hours with the little thing and take care of his every need!? I am telling you this is not normal feelings for me!
Sure I would like to travel and see and do new things. To go on adventures and experience life in that arena. But that is not really what the desires of my true heart are. The real Bethany - the deep, deep down in side, what really matters to me Bethany is to have that family. To stay at home on Saturday mornings and make everyone breakfast. To have the family movie night with pizza and popcorn. To have a faithful, loyal, loving husband who knows that life is tough and is willing to be the true man that God has made him to be. To have birthday parties with pin-the-tail on the donkey. To have Christmases with the beautiful tree and presents and feast. To have the family vacations and picnics and Sunday school. That is really what matters to me. That is what the desires of my true heart are.
Some may say that this is too conventional or idealistic or boring. And I say so be it! I am a simple, modest, low-key person who doesn't need to have the spontaneous, adventurous lifestyle. I am more than open to it and it would be great fun, but that is not what my true desires are. It's not my goal to get stamp after stamp in my passport. To me, what matters in my life is family and loving them and cultivating an atmosphere where love abounds! That is more fullfiling to me than anything else.
I have never, ever been a baby person who is eager to babysit and coo over a child. When I was in high school, I always said that I would much rather mow the lawn than babysit! Now I look forward to helping out in the nursery at church and I have even considered offering to babysit for my friends! I have never even changed a diaper and her I am willing to spend hours with the little thing and take care of his every need!? I am telling you this is not normal feelings for me!
Sure I would like to travel and see and do new things. To go on adventures and experience life in that arena. But that is not really what the desires of my true heart are. The real Bethany - the deep, deep down in side, what really matters to me Bethany is to have that family. To stay at home on Saturday mornings and make everyone breakfast. To have the family movie night with pizza and popcorn. To have a faithful, loyal, loving husband who knows that life is tough and is willing to be the true man that God has made him to be. To have birthday parties with pin-the-tail on the donkey. To have Christmases with the beautiful tree and presents and feast. To have the family vacations and picnics and Sunday school. That is really what matters to me. That is what the desires of my true heart are.
Some may say that this is too conventional or idealistic or boring. And I say so be it! I am a simple, modest, low-key person who doesn't need to have the spontaneous, adventurous lifestyle. I am more than open to it and it would be great fun, but that is not what my true desires are. It's not my goal to get stamp after stamp in my passport. To me, what matters in my life is family and loving them and cultivating an atmosphere where love abounds! That is more fullfiling to me than anything else.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Proud, but Confused
I just got an update from my friend I mentioned in yesterday's post. She told me that she made a phone call last night to the married man telling him she has to cut him out of her life. I am so proud of her that she made this call and is removing herself from this situation. My fear is that he will not listen to her request and continue to contact her. Hopefully she will have the strength to stand her ground.
She says it was the hardest call she has ever made in her life and that she is in so much emotional pain at the moment. I am not sure what this guy said to her to get her so head-over-heels crazy for him (they only met a week ago). I know that they hung out for several hours last weekend and may have had a few phone/text conversations, but that is it. So why is she being so dramatic about this situation and feeling as if her world is ending? I really don't know. I am sure a psychologist would just love to dissect this case and give a report on the human emotion of infatuation.
Fascinating as it maybe, I don't quite understand either side and this "connection" they felt they made in the weeks time. I mean, doesn't anyone practice restraint anymore let alone being faithful to your spouse! I am frustrated beyond all frustration about this situation. I am very proud of my friend that she put this "friendship" on the chopping block, but what motivations really lie underneath all of this hurt and possible infidelity? They are both needing to feel wanted, accepted and validated as human beings. But isn't there another way rather than jumping into bed with each other and commiting adultery? She is feeling miffed by a friend who she thought was possibly more than a friend and he is not having his needs met by his wife in their marriage. They both so do some true soul searching and maybe even some counseling in order to avoid similar situations in the future.
Man, I wish I could go back to school and become a relationship counselor! I would just be fearful that I wouldn't ever have the right advice to give!
She says it was the hardest call she has ever made in her life and that she is in so much emotional pain at the moment. I am not sure what this guy said to her to get her so head-over-heels crazy for him (they only met a week ago). I know that they hung out for several hours last weekend and may have had a few phone/text conversations, but that is it. So why is she being so dramatic about this situation and feeling as if her world is ending? I really don't know. I am sure a psychologist would just love to dissect this case and give a report on the human emotion of infatuation.
Fascinating as it maybe, I don't quite understand either side and this "connection" they felt they made in the weeks time. I mean, doesn't anyone practice restraint anymore let alone being faithful to your spouse! I am frustrated beyond all frustration about this situation. I am very proud of my friend that she put this "friendship" on the chopping block, but what motivations really lie underneath all of this hurt and possible infidelity? They are both needing to feel wanted, accepted and validated as human beings. But isn't there another way rather than jumping into bed with each other and commiting adultery? She is feeling miffed by a friend who she thought was possibly more than a friend and he is not having his needs met by his wife in their marriage. They both so do some true soul searching and maybe even some counseling in order to avoid similar situations in the future.
Man, I wish I could go back to school and become a relationship counselor! I would just be fearful that I wouldn't ever have the right advice to give!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Is It Worth It?
As I sit here, I am seriously wondering if a romantic relationship or even marriage is really worth all of the heartache and trouble it could lead too. Headlines today are filled with individuals who are unfaithful to their significant other. Politicians, actors, athletes all reveal their infidelities for the world to see.
"We are soul mates."
"I made a mistake."
"We are trying to rebuild our marriage."
"I didn't cheat!"
On top of these flashy headlines that sell the newspapers and tabloid glossies, I am personally faced with this scenario once again in my life. A new found friend is being challenged to not become "the other woman" and she is struggling very much with this decision even though in her heart of hearts she knows what the right choice is. Why is this? Why is she even considering taking this next step that only leads to destruction? And why is this married man pursuing her?
I question what the married man seeks from this young girl, but I also question what she seeks in his company. Her heart aches for what every young girl and woman longs for – even me. Acceptance. Love. Security. She may find this in his arms. She may not. And then what? Onto yet another man who will only temporarily fill the emptiness she feels.
My heart clenches at the thought of another marriage falling to the wayside at the whim of fantasy and instant of pleasure. This fleeting and often unsatisfied moment leads down a filthy path full of shame, guilt, self-pity and loathing. This fleeting moment leaves in its wake hearts forever broken and lives shattered. This fleeting moment is just that – fleeting, short lived and empty. And all for what? Passion? Excitement? Adventure? So after the passion has faded (and it does) and after the adventure has ended (and it will), then what? What is left? A relationship that is based on trust and love. I don't think so. Brokenness for all parties involved.
I don’t have the answers. I wish I did. As I spoke to my friend today, I laid it all out there for her to hear. You cannot do this. You must break all contact with him now and forever. No text massages. No phone calls. You cannot see him again. This is where your character and integrity are being called into play. We already know what he is capable of doing. What are you capable of doing? Great and wonderful things that are not down this path. You will get hurt no matter how you want to spin this situation to your benefit. You will get hurt and you will hurt others. Is that really what you want as apart of your life?
"We are soul mates."
"I made a mistake."
"We are trying to rebuild our marriage."
"I didn't cheat!"
On top of these flashy headlines that sell the newspapers and tabloid glossies, I am personally faced with this scenario once again in my life. A new found friend is being challenged to not become "the other woman" and she is struggling very much with this decision even though in her heart of hearts she knows what the right choice is. Why is this? Why is she even considering taking this next step that only leads to destruction? And why is this married man pursuing her?
I question what the married man seeks from this young girl, but I also question what she seeks in his company. Her heart aches for what every young girl and woman longs for – even me. Acceptance. Love. Security. She may find this in his arms. She may not. And then what? Onto yet another man who will only temporarily fill the emptiness she feels.
My heart clenches at the thought of another marriage falling to the wayside at the whim of fantasy and instant of pleasure. This fleeting and often unsatisfied moment leads down a filthy path full of shame, guilt, self-pity and loathing. This fleeting moment leaves in its wake hearts forever broken and lives shattered. This fleeting moment is just that – fleeting, short lived and empty. And all for what? Passion? Excitement? Adventure? So after the passion has faded (and it does) and after the adventure has ended (and it will), then what? What is left? A relationship that is based on trust and love. I don't think so. Brokenness for all parties involved.
I don’t have the answers. I wish I did. As I spoke to my friend today, I laid it all out there for her to hear. You cannot do this. You must break all contact with him now and forever. No text massages. No phone calls. You cannot see him again. This is where your character and integrity are being called into play. We already know what he is capable of doing. What are you capable of doing? Great and wonderful things that are not down this path. You will get hurt no matter how you want to spin this situation to your benefit. You will get hurt and you will hurt others. Is that really what you want as apart of your life?
Blah
For some reason, I am feeling a little blah today. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's something else. Maybe I am wanting something more...
Monday, June 29, 2009
Stream of Conscious
Writing is purging. Writing is purging. Writing is purging. What do I have to purge? I have so much in my soul that is jumping, charging, smashing to get out of my insides. If I don’t let it out it will surely kill me. Kill my brain. Kill my heart. Kill my soul. So much has happened. So much but so little at the same time. Only a year has gone by. But an entire year has gone by! It has moved by at the speed of the growth of a flower and at others it has roared through like a swift thunderstorm that rushes through on a cold front. Before you know it is over. You live in Indiana and don’t like the weather? Wait five minutes, it will change. That’s exactly what happened. All of a sudden it has changed. My life. So fast, so "whoa wait a minute" fast. How do I feel about that. Trying to stay upbeat and positive. There are times, moments when I don’t believe this is my life. There are times when I am glad this is my life. There are times when I want a different life. Stay positive Bethany. You are blessed. Why me? Will he come back? I’ll show him! Mother fucker!! No, he has no idea. He’s hurting. He needs help. Maybe I can help him. Would he care? I hate him. No you don’t. You still love him. I love him, but I am not in love with him. Stupid Ben. He really fucked up his life. What a looser. Whore. Why me? It’s okay. I’m okay. Am I okay? Time. Time will pass. Time passing is good. I just need some time and space. I like you. You are nice. Can I trust you? I am afraid. Did I say something wrong. Dating is hard, hard work! I am having fun. It’s an adventure. Will I always be single? I want children. Do I want children? I am not worthless. I have so much to give. So much love and support. I am a supporter. I feel inadequate. Will anyone ever appreciate my personality and all I have to offer? I am weird. How can anyone ever want me? I am weird and I like to go to bed at a reasonable hour. You think I am pretty? Thank you. I don’t know how to flirt. Do I look okay? Confidence. Have confidence. Lord HELP ME!! I need you. What direction do you want me to go in? What’s my purpose. I thought I had it all planned out. My life and the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids. Being a soccer mom. I hate this. Why me? Who am I? I don’t know how to take care of myself. I am a lover, not a fighter. I love you unconditionally. Give me a chance. I can change. Please don’t do this. I am at zero. Where do I go from here? I am scared. Do I want to kill myself? Sleeping pills would be easy. I have so much to live for. I am blessed. God never gives us more than we can handle. Peace. Turmoil. Rollercoaster. Calm. Ahhh…. Is it over yet? I don’t want a divorce. I am not a divorcee. I am single. Single. Single. Alone. Just me. Can I just quit? Does God want me to get a divorce? Restoration. Love Ben with all your heart. Fast and pray. Fast and pray. Fast and pray. Power of a praying wife. Fast. Write. Blog. I am strong. I am a new person. I am a woman. I love my sister. I love my family. New wineskins. Keep buggering on. KBO! How to survive an affair. Cut him off. Move on. Take care of yourself. Have fun. Run. Run. Run. The treadmill is my therapist. Run. Run. Run. Marathon runner! I am going to Texas! I can fly. I am not afraid. I am going out on my first date! Nervous! I like him. He’s nice. Can I handle this? Get out there and date, date, date! Abandoned. Left. Alone. Crying. Sobbing. Fetal position. Tired. Inconsolable. Fearful. Powerful. Independent. Awesome. You can do this. Why did he do this? What did I do to deserve this? I can change. I want to change. Please stop this and come home. I’m done. It wasn’t empty. I cheated. I want a divorce. I love you. I hate you. I loathe you. I want to forgive you. Can I forgive you? I am okay. I forgive you. I am okay. Am I okay? Prayers with my family. They pray for me. They pray with me. Secluded. Desperate for an end. Happy for a new beginning. I feel good. My mom is proud of me. Be poised. Be graceful. Be a lady. Don’t be nasty. Hold your head up high. Beauty from ashes. God can do anything. I have a greater yes. Does God hear me? Faith. Walk by faith. Isaiah 61. Zephaniah 3. Hebrews 11. Every new day, God does not fail. God can do what He says He can do, god is who He says He is. Believe. Just accept it. He cheated on me, he left me, he divorced me. I tried. I was not a bad wife. I am not a bad person. I did not fail him. I tried. Why won't you talk to me? You were lying to me? I have so much to offer. I want to do things and go places. Don't give up. Keep pressing on. Don't give up. Friends. I have friends and they love me. Thank you. I love my puppy. Sobbing at work. Don't look at me. Write. Blog. Write. Pray. Write. Blog. Fast. Pray. Pray. Pray. Will this ever end? Move on. I have to move on. I have moved on. It feels good.
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