Thursday, October 15, 2009
Define. Label. Identify. Characterize.
As hard as I try to fight off my friends, family and the rest of the entire world from labeling me as the sad little divorced girl with a horrible tale to tell, I had a friend point out that maybe I, personally, am not seeing beyond what happened therefore defining myself as the sad divorced girl. Translation: I am putting my own label on my forehead and everyone else reads it and takes their ques from me. This thought was eye opening to me to say the least. I need to shift my thinking from focusing on the divorce, Ben and the events associated directly with that to putting the focus on myself and expressing to others who Bethany is - not the Bethany before and during the divorce, but the Bethany after. I sort of see it as needing to train my thinking to not go so far back in time to think on a lesson learned, but rather think about the Bethany who has emerged and what I have learned since. This is a work in progres...
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Questions from a Friend
I have been talking with a relatively new friend of mine about my situation with Ben and forgiveness and moving forward. After talking with him, he presented a few qood, key questions that need to be addressed. I am hopeful that by blogging the answers, I will be able to gain some incredible insight to myself and the path I am on. So, here we go...
1) In terms of forgiveness, what is holding me back from forgiving Ben now? Is there anything that I still need to resolve in order to forgive him and move on?
I talk to my mom a lot about the events that took place last summer and fall. I know that I have my own point-of-view with what happened, but I know that that can be skewed or influenced by my own personal agenda and raw emotions. As we talked, she pointed out that there is a difference between the fact that I have moved on from Ben and the fact of forgiving Ben. She pointed out that these two thoughts are separate and independent of one another. I know I have moved on from Ben without a doubt. There is no possible way that I would ever accept him back into my life. I have too much respect for myself to even consider that as a possibility if that event presented itself. He is part of my past, not my future.
Now, as for forgiving him and my the grievances I have towards him and Kerri, those are areas I am actively working through. I kind of see forgiveness as different levels or stages almost like the grief process. My mom sees it as though I am actively forgiving them day by day. The forgiveness is an active verb that is currently happening. It's not going to be an event or a grand "ah-ha" moment. My forgiveness is happening everyday. It's a present progressive verb and describes the ongoing action. "I am forgiving Ben and Kerri." I am being active and seeking that in my daily life. Paul describes it pretty good in this verse:
Philippians 3:12-14
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
I feel that since the breakdown of my marriage happened in the way that it did - so fast and without any explanation - I honestly feel that I had no closure to that relationship. I have had to speculate and hypothesize the possible reasons for the demise of my marriage. Sure, I can say "Well maybe it was because of this or that and that is why he left me." But to be totally and completely honest, I never felt like I got a coherent or lucid answer from him as to why he did what he did. I have shared that I tried to express to Ben over and over that I simply did not know he felt X, Y and Z in our marriage. I thought we were happy and healthy. My entire family thought the same thing. In a way, I guess, if I could get some sort of clarification as to why he did what he did that might really lend to the process and the cloudiness I sometimes feel. I will probably never get that explanation I seek and I have to accept that.
It may take a year or two or it could take 20 years to fully come to forgiveness and feel whole. At least at this point I recognize the need to forgive and it is a present progressive verb in my life. I can talk about Ben and Kerri without my words filled with anger and bitterness. I don't feel hatred. I feel thankful that I am not in that place any more. When I talk about the situation and think about them being together, I no longer have an emotional reaction. I may not have a therapist point-of-view. All I have is my own and the desire to see this through how God wants me to.
2) If I haven't forgiven Ben yet, what is my thought process/decision on starting to develop a possible relationship with someone else? Would that work and if so, how?
Again, I don't want to confuse the two ideas of moving forward from Ben and forgiving Ben. That relationship is in the past. It's over. I am not going back. I am not in love him anymore and I am not waiting at home pining over him. My daily walk of forgiving him is ongoing and as long as I continue to move forward on that path, I think a new relationship is going to come up along that path as well. This may be a good way or very bad way to look at this question; but I almost feel that starting a new relationship is evident of the healing and forgiveness that has already taken place. If I feel that I am mentally and emotionally ready to take that next step in my life, I have only been able to get to that point through time, reflection and healing. There was no possible way that I was going to jump straight into a relationship the day after my divorce was final. Arriving at the point of feeling comfortable in exploring a new relationship is another part of my journey post-divorce. I think it is another part of the healing and forgiving process. I think it is positive that I would like to seek out another relationship and that I am not bitter and jaded towards the thought. There was a time early on post-divorce that I felt that way and wondered why anyone really wants to get married since it can lead to so much hurt. But I have been learning to look at relationship and marriage through the way God initially created them and not what the world has turned them into.
A friend of mine introduced me to a new concept that I had never heard of before. This ideas is called a corrective event. After doing some research thanks to Google.com I found it explained like this - "A re-exposure under favorable circumstances to an emotional situation with which one could not cope with in the past." Whether or not this can be directly applies to my thought process of exploring a new relationship or not, in a way it's kind of how I would answer the above question. I had a bad experience (my relationship and marriage to Ben) and things did not go as I would have anticipated they should have (it ending in divorce due to an affair.) I realize and am cognizant of the fact that I cannot view relationships and marriage in the same light as I view my past experience in those areas. My perception is horribly skewed due to my past experience, but I know that I cannot measure any future relationships against the past. It would be unfair and unreasonable.
3)In my journey of healing, do I think I have rushed myself to move on quickly and maybe overlooked certain aspects of healing after such a devastating experience?
I feel that I can answer this question with a solid no; I do not think I have moved on too quickly. Yes, I have done some cautious exploration into the dating realm and have examined the process of dating and getting into another relationship very carefully. I didn't jump into a new relationship immediately after my divorce was final and I still have not. I have taken the past year to take in my new life and to examine myself. I feel like over the past 18 months, I have met myself for the first time. I know that there are some people out there who crave the romantic relationships of life. They feel that they function more effectively while in a relationship and that they are at their best while with someone. I do agree that being in a relationship can be very healthy and bring out a lot of positives traits in either person. You are exposed to new situations, events and thought process that you may not experience while being single. I also believe that the same goes for being single - new situations, events and thought process can be experienced during that time as well. I was determined to not rush into anything and allow for time to heal and grow as an individual so when I am in my next relationship I can be a happy, healthy, healed contributor of that relationship. I kind of see it this way... Right after my divorce I had a lot of baggage - suitcases, duffle bags, totes, make-up cases. Baggage weighting me down, slowing me down. So, I boarded the train of singlehood not exactly knowing where and when the stops would happen or what direction the train was even going in. I swallowed my fears and insecurities and hopped on board with all my might. As the train made stops throughout the course of the journey of singlehood I got off the train, looked around at the scenery and dropped a piece of luggage. These certain stops included getting through the holidays without sadness or depression, being extremely sick on Christmas day and feeling thankful that I could be at home by myself, going out on my first date, flying to Milwaukee for work, celebrating my 27th birthday, hitting the “one year after” mark, running in the mini, flying to Texas, supporting a friend through a rough pregnancy, guiding a friend through a possible affair herself, passing my Series 6, meeting and celebrating events with many new friends, working out and looking at the option of becoming a personal trainer and looking towards the bright future. Each and every one of these events helped me to see who I am through all of the baggage I was carrying and helped me to put down a piece as well. Now, I don't feel that I have dropped every single piece of baggage that I carry, but I can say with all honesty that my load is lighter and I am gaining more and more freedom form that baggage with ever new life experience I come to. It still may take years for all of that to really, truly be released. It's not an instantaneous event that all of those pieces are dropped to the ground. What I do think though, and what I and hopefully for is that people can see that I am working towards letting all of this baggage that I carry in regards to Ben and the divorce go. That is my goal and that is what I strive towards every day. So no, I don't believe I am trying to move on too quickly and that I am missing certain aspects of the healing process. That is exactly what all of this is - a process. Day in and day out, it's a process and I am continually learning from it.
To sum all of this up, I have a lot to offer and a lot of life left to live. As a favorite saying of mine goes, I will not let someone else affect my destiny. I am in control of my life (well, I guess technically God is in control of my life), but I am not going to let another human being (ie Ben) determine what my life path looks like. It would be a great injustice to allow his thoughtless, hurtful actions decide for me what kind of future I am going to have.
1) In terms of forgiveness, what is holding me back from forgiving Ben now? Is there anything that I still need to resolve in order to forgive him and move on?
I talk to my mom a lot about the events that took place last summer and fall. I know that I have my own point-of-view with what happened, but I know that that can be skewed or influenced by my own personal agenda and raw emotions. As we talked, she pointed out that there is a difference between the fact that I have moved on from Ben and the fact of forgiving Ben. She pointed out that these two thoughts are separate and independent of one another. I know I have moved on from Ben without a doubt. There is no possible way that I would ever accept him back into my life. I have too much respect for myself to even consider that as a possibility if that event presented itself. He is part of my past, not my future.
Now, as for forgiving him and my the grievances I have towards him and Kerri, those are areas I am actively working through. I kind of see forgiveness as different levels or stages almost like the grief process. My mom sees it as though I am actively forgiving them day by day. The forgiveness is an active verb that is currently happening. It's not going to be an event or a grand "ah-ha" moment. My forgiveness is happening everyday. It's a present progressive verb and describes the ongoing action. "I am forgiving Ben and Kerri." I am being active and seeking that in my daily life. Paul describes it pretty good in this verse:
Philippians 3:12-14
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
I feel that since the breakdown of my marriage happened in the way that it did - so fast and without any explanation - I honestly feel that I had no closure to that relationship. I have had to speculate and hypothesize the possible reasons for the demise of my marriage. Sure, I can say "Well maybe it was because of this or that and that is why he left me." But to be totally and completely honest, I never felt like I got a coherent or lucid answer from him as to why he did what he did. I have shared that I tried to express to Ben over and over that I simply did not know he felt X, Y and Z in our marriage. I thought we were happy and healthy. My entire family thought the same thing. In a way, I guess, if I could get some sort of clarification as to why he did what he did that might really lend to the process and the cloudiness I sometimes feel. I will probably never get that explanation I seek and I have to accept that.
It may take a year or two or it could take 20 years to fully come to forgiveness and feel whole. At least at this point I recognize the need to forgive and it is a present progressive verb in my life. I can talk about Ben and Kerri without my words filled with anger and bitterness. I don't feel hatred. I feel thankful that I am not in that place any more. When I talk about the situation and think about them being together, I no longer have an emotional reaction. I may not have a therapist point-of-view. All I have is my own and the desire to see this through how God wants me to.
2) If I haven't forgiven Ben yet, what is my thought process/decision on starting to develop a possible relationship with someone else? Would that work and if so, how?
Again, I don't want to confuse the two ideas of moving forward from Ben and forgiving Ben. That relationship is in the past. It's over. I am not going back. I am not in love him anymore and I am not waiting at home pining over him. My daily walk of forgiving him is ongoing and as long as I continue to move forward on that path, I think a new relationship is going to come up along that path as well. This may be a good way or very bad way to look at this question; but I almost feel that starting a new relationship is evident of the healing and forgiveness that has already taken place. If I feel that I am mentally and emotionally ready to take that next step in my life, I have only been able to get to that point through time, reflection and healing. There was no possible way that I was going to jump straight into a relationship the day after my divorce was final. Arriving at the point of feeling comfortable in exploring a new relationship is another part of my journey post-divorce. I think it is another part of the healing and forgiving process. I think it is positive that I would like to seek out another relationship and that I am not bitter and jaded towards the thought. There was a time early on post-divorce that I felt that way and wondered why anyone really wants to get married since it can lead to so much hurt. But I have been learning to look at relationship and marriage through the way God initially created them and not what the world has turned them into.
A friend of mine introduced me to a new concept that I had never heard of before. This ideas is called a corrective event. After doing some research thanks to Google.com I found it explained like this - "A re-exposure under favorable circumstances to an emotional situation with which one could not cope with in the past." Whether or not this can be directly applies to my thought process of exploring a new relationship or not, in a way it's kind of how I would answer the above question. I had a bad experience (my relationship and marriage to Ben) and things did not go as I would have anticipated they should have (it ending in divorce due to an affair.) I realize and am cognizant of the fact that I cannot view relationships and marriage in the same light as I view my past experience in those areas. My perception is horribly skewed due to my past experience, but I know that I cannot measure any future relationships against the past. It would be unfair and unreasonable.
3)In my journey of healing, do I think I have rushed myself to move on quickly and maybe overlooked certain aspects of healing after such a devastating experience?
I feel that I can answer this question with a solid no; I do not think I have moved on too quickly. Yes, I have done some cautious exploration into the dating realm and have examined the process of dating and getting into another relationship very carefully. I didn't jump into a new relationship immediately after my divorce was final and I still have not. I have taken the past year to take in my new life and to examine myself. I feel like over the past 18 months, I have met myself for the first time. I know that there are some people out there who crave the romantic relationships of life. They feel that they function more effectively while in a relationship and that they are at their best while with someone. I do agree that being in a relationship can be very healthy and bring out a lot of positives traits in either person. You are exposed to new situations, events and thought process that you may not experience while being single. I also believe that the same goes for being single - new situations, events and thought process can be experienced during that time as well. I was determined to not rush into anything and allow for time to heal and grow as an individual so when I am in my next relationship I can be a happy, healthy, healed contributor of that relationship. I kind of see it this way... Right after my divorce I had a lot of baggage - suitcases, duffle bags, totes, make-up cases. Baggage weighting me down, slowing me down. So, I boarded the train of singlehood not exactly knowing where and when the stops would happen or what direction the train was even going in. I swallowed my fears and insecurities and hopped on board with all my might. As the train made stops throughout the course of the journey of singlehood I got off the train, looked around at the scenery and dropped a piece of luggage. These certain stops included getting through the holidays without sadness or depression, being extremely sick on Christmas day and feeling thankful that I could be at home by myself, going out on my first date, flying to Milwaukee for work, celebrating my 27th birthday, hitting the “one year after” mark, running in the mini, flying to Texas, supporting a friend through a rough pregnancy, guiding a friend through a possible affair herself, passing my Series 6, meeting and celebrating events with many new friends, working out and looking at the option of becoming a personal trainer and looking towards the bright future. Each and every one of these events helped me to see who I am through all of the baggage I was carrying and helped me to put down a piece as well. Now, I don't feel that I have dropped every single piece of baggage that I carry, but I can say with all honesty that my load is lighter and I am gaining more and more freedom form that baggage with ever new life experience I come to. It still may take years for all of that to really, truly be released. It's not an instantaneous event that all of those pieces are dropped to the ground. What I do think though, and what I and hopefully for is that people can see that I am working towards letting all of this baggage that I carry in regards to Ben and the divorce go. That is my goal and that is what I strive towards every day. So no, I don't believe I am trying to move on too quickly and that I am missing certain aspects of the healing process. That is exactly what all of this is - a process. Day in and day out, it's a process and I am continually learning from it.
To sum all of this up, I have a lot to offer and a lot of life left to live. As a favorite saying of mine goes, I will not let someone else affect my destiny. I am in control of my life (well, I guess technically God is in control of my life), but I am not going to let another human being (ie Ben) determine what my life path looks like. It would be a great injustice to allow his thoughtless, hurtful actions decide for me what kind of future I am going to have.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Another Mile Stone
Over the past 17 months, there have been many mile stones I have marked mentally as my life moves forward from April 2008. Today is one of those days. Besides it being my papa's 57th birthday, a year ago today I went to the post office in Westfield and picked up the divorce papers. I remember it was a beautifully sunny day. Mike drove to the post office with the secured mail notification sitting in my purse and me feeling kind of dazed and confused. When the envelope was in hand, I actually had Mike open it for me as I breathed deeply from the passenger seat of his Mercedes. The paperwork was confusing and filled with legal jargon. I was actually impressed in a way that Ben filled out the papers and found the courthouse in downtown and filed. Honestly, I thought he wouldn't be able to figure it out. And he did to an extent. It was kind of comical because the items he requested to be turned over to him were things like his xbox and a few figurines from Africa. Worthless junk that was now what defined his life. Is that mean? Maybe, but that's what he walked away with minus the $1300 settlement for his car. What else was comical was the fact that he didn't even get our wedding date right. That was like pouring salt into the wound, but I guess I shouldn't have expected much more from him. I remember that I didn't cry. The reality had already set in and I knew the process had started and there was nothing I could do.
I truly can't believe it has been a year. These one year later moments are somewhat surreal. Time really has flown by and I try to comprehend where I was and where I am today. As I continue to reevaluate my life and the new path I am on. I am slowly realizing this simple, yet potent fact - Ben held me back in my life. He could have swore up and down that I was the one hindering him and his big plans for his life, but I think it is quite the opposite. I find this puzzling and astonishing. I wish I could really illustrate my new outlook on my life without him. It's different. I'm different.
I truly can't believe it has been a year. These one year later moments are somewhat surreal. Time really has flown by and I try to comprehend where I was and where I am today. As I continue to reevaluate my life and the new path I am on. I am slowly realizing this simple, yet potent fact - Ben held me back in my life. He could have swore up and down that I was the one hindering him and his big plans for his life, but I think it is quite the opposite. I find this puzzling and astonishing. I wish I could really illustrate my new outlook on my life without him. It's different. I'm different.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Rerouting
As I was driving in my car day before yesterday I was listening to a Christian radio station and wasn't paying too much attention to the topic of conversation. But a small statement caught my attention and really got me thinking. The statement had to do with rerouting and going in a new direction. To reroute means to change the route or path of, to send another way. You are on a path and it turns out it was the wrong path and something happens and the path is different from where you were. I never thought of my marriage is the wrong path. I actually thought I was on the right one and heading in the right direction in my life. I am not sure why or how I got onto the wrong path. It wasn't a conscious decision that I made. I never thought I was doing something wrong, but maybe I was. Maybe God has a different life planned for me and the only thing He could do was to drastically reroute me and my plans I had for my life.
It's old news to me now - my life is different. My life was turned on its side and violently shaken to its core. I am thankful now that the shaking has stopped and the path has changed. I am happy. I like my new path even though at first it seemed unbearable and treacherous. I don't really have any answers. I don't really know where this new path is going to take me. I don't really know what God's plans are for my life. I seek His will and I embrace it - sometimes willingly and at other times not so willingly. It's not easy and I have a multitude of unanswered questions that will most likely never end. But I am okay with that. If I can find the peace and faith to trust God, then everything will work out and the light at the end of the tunnel is extremely, powerfully bright.
Rerouted. I was wrong. Things changed. New path. Exciting.
It's old news to me now - my life is different. My life was turned on its side and violently shaken to its core. I am thankful now that the shaking has stopped and the path has changed. I am happy. I like my new path even though at first it seemed unbearable and treacherous. I don't really have any answers. I don't really know where this new path is going to take me. I don't really know what God's plans are for my life. I seek His will and I embrace it - sometimes willingly and at other times not so willingly. It's not easy and I have a multitude of unanswered questions that will most likely never end. But I am okay with that. If I can find the peace and faith to trust God, then everything will work out and the light at the end of the tunnel is extremely, powerfully bright.
Rerouted. I was wrong. Things changed. New path. Exciting.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Then & Now
Am I really a different person than I was before my life changed forever? Have I really changed? Have I grown and matured? Or am I just fooling myself and thinking I am a different person when in all reality I am the same old Bethany?
Who was I 16 months ago?
I was numb to life in a sense. I was going through the motions. Trying to build a life on very little money. I lived and breathed for Ben. I really truly did. I loved him with such a fierce devotion that all I ever wanted to do was make him happy, support him in everything he did in his career and keep him safe from the world and, at times, himself. I was worried, fearful, closed up. I was set in my routine. Get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed. Repeat. I never really felt like I had the opportunity to have fun. I felt as if I were Ben's mother, keeping him out of harms way, reining him in and telling him no. He didn't have a stop button. It felt like he would always go a bit too far in his jokes or overstay his welcome, drink too much and never get enough sleep. Why did I feel like I had to be the responsible one in my marriage and ensure that things got done? I guess I couldn't rely on Ben. It felt like if I ever asked him to do something, it wouldn't get done or only half way. I felt like he wasn't responsible enough for my level of maturity. Maybe so, maybe not. That's just how I feel. Maybe I didn't give him the opportunity to shine as a man in our marriage. What I do remember is that he worked a lot - early in the morning to late a night. If something needed to be done, I had to do it because his schedule was so unreliable. I did the shopping, the bills, the scheduling. I didn't have any friends to hang out with. Ben was my friend and I thought that was all I needed. We did everything together and I thought that was how it was supposed to be. I never wanted to be away from him. I was a very fearful person. I never wanted to be stretched to do new things. I depended on him for my mental security. I needed him to be at home with me. I needed him to want to be safe so that I wouldn't loose him in accident. I was afraid to be by myself. I hated going out late with him and being in a crowd. I felt so dependent on him for my happiness. I felt like he made me happy. He was all I needed to be happy. In a way he and his presence in my life for 10 years defined who I was. Even though he defined me there were times when I felt he held me back and I am sure there were times when I held him back. That's the give and take of any relationship, right? I guess, the bottom line is that with Ben I was a very scared person. Scared of loosing him, scared of living life, scared to do new things, scared to be apart from him. Unsure of myself, dependent on him, no confidence.
Who am I today?
That is a good question. I would have to say I am not that fearful person anymore or not the extent I was with Ben. I don't have to worry anymore about him and his actions. He is not a concern of mine now and it is a very free feeling. I can do what I want, when I want and only have to feel responsible to myself and my actions. I would have to say that I am more open to different experiences. I have ran a half marathon, traveled and have gained several awesome groups of friends. I am involved at church and even trying out the dating scene. I live on my own and am able to support myself financially. I feel independent now instead of dependent. That is a very powerful feeling. I am a young, attractive, single gal living and working in the city and navigating my way through life events. I love to run and cook. I love my family and my dog. My apartment is my home and I get to decorate it how I want to. I can come and go as I please without feeling responsible for someone else and letting them down. Who am I? I am a more dynamic, experienced person who in spite of all that has happened, is thriving and just may be a better person because of it. I almost feel like my life could be a best-seller, one that so many young women could relate to and see that they aren't the only ones who have gone through hell and fought their way back and are better than ever!
I know this post is probably a bit of rambling. It's just where my thoughts take me and it's an incredible journey!
Philippians 1:6 Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Who was I 16 months ago?
I was numb to life in a sense. I was going through the motions. Trying to build a life on very little money. I lived and breathed for Ben. I really truly did. I loved him with such a fierce devotion that all I ever wanted to do was make him happy, support him in everything he did in his career and keep him safe from the world and, at times, himself. I was worried, fearful, closed up. I was set in my routine. Get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed. Repeat. I never really felt like I had the opportunity to have fun. I felt as if I were Ben's mother, keeping him out of harms way, reining him in and telling him no. He didn't have a stop button. It felt like he would always go a bit too far in his jokes or overstay his welcome, drink too much and never get enough sleep. Why did I feel like I had to be the responsible one in my marriage and ensure that things got done? I guess I couldn't rely on Ben. It felt like if I ever asked him to do something, it wouldn't get done or only half way. I felt like he wasn't responsible enough for my level of maturity. Maybe so, maybe not. That's just how I feel. Maybe I didn't give him the opportunity to shine as a man in our marriage. What I do remember is that he worked a lot - early in the morning to late a night. If something needed to be done, I had to do it because his schedule was so unreliable. I did the shopping, the bills, the scheduling. I didn't have any friends to hang out with. Ben was my friend and I thought that was all I needed. We did everything together and I thought that was how it was supposed to be. I never wanted to be away from him. I was a very fearful person. I never wanted to be stretched to do new things. I depended on him for my mental security. I needed him to be at home with me. I needed him to want to be safe so that I wouldn't loose him in accident. I was afraid to be by myself. I hated going out late with him and being in a crowd. I felt so dependent on him for my happiness. I felt like he made me happy. He was all I needed to be happy. In a way he and his presence in my life for 10 years defined who I was. Even though he defined me there were times when I felt he held me back and I am sure there were times when I held him back. That's the give and take of any relationship, right? I guess, the bottom line is that with Ben I was a very scared person. Scared of loosing him, scared of living life, scared to do new things, scared to be apart from him. Unsure of myself, dependent on him, no confidence.
Who am I today?
That is a good question. I would have to say I am not that fearful person anymore or not the extent I was with Ben. I don't have to worry anymore about him and his actions. He is not a concern of mine now and it is a very free feeling. I can do what I want, when I want and only have to feel responsible to myself and my actions. I would have to say that I am more open to different experiences. I have ran a half marathon, traveled and have gained several awesome groups of friends. I am involved at church and even trying out the dating scene. I live on my own and am able to support myself financially. I feel independent now instead of dependent. That is a very powerful feeling. I am a young, attractive, single gal living and working in the city and navigating my way through life events. I love to run and cook. I love my family and my dog. My apartment is my home and I get to decorate it how I want to. I can come and go as I please without feeling responsible for someone else and letting them down. Who am I? I am a more dynamic, experienced person who in spite of all that has happened, is thriving and just may be a better person because of it. I almost feel like my life could be a best-seller, one that so many young women could relate to and see that they aren't the only ones who have gone through hell and fought their way back and are better than ever!
I know this post is probably a bit of rambling. It's just where my thoughts take me and it's an incredible journey!
Philippians 1:6 Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Desires of Bethany's Heart
I am 27 and for the first time in my adult life I am beginning to feel the real desire to have a children and it is very strange. I guess it might just be all of the baby mania going on around me. I have had four fairly close friends have babies recently and I can feel myself wanting what they have. Plus I am watching season 8 of "Friends" and this is the when Rachel is pregnant so of course that just adds fuel to the fire!
I have never, ever been a baby person who is eager to babysit and coo over a child. When I was in high school, I always said that I would much rather mow the lawn than babysit! Now I look forward to helping out in the nursery at church and I have even considered offering to babysit for my friends! I have never even changed a diaper and her I am willing to spend hours with the little thing and take care of his every need!? I am telling you this is not normal feelings for me!
Sure I would like to travel and see and do new things. To go on adventures and experience life in that arena. But that is not really what the desires of my true heart are. The real Bethany - the deep, deep down in side, what really matters to me Bethany is to have that family. To stay at home on Saturday mornings and make everyone breakfast. To have the family movie night with pizza and popcorn. To have a faithful, loyal, loving husband who knows that life is tough and is willing to be the true man that God has made him to be. To have birthday parties with pin-the-tail on the donkey. To have Christmases with the beautiful tree and presents and feast. To have the family vacations and picnics and Sunday school. That is really what matters to me. That is what the desires of my true heart are.
Some may say that this is too conventional or idealistic or boring. And I say so be it! I am a simple, modest, low-key person who doesn't need to have the spontaneous, adventurous lifestyle. I am more than open to it and it would be great fun, but that is not what my true desires are. It's not my goal to get stamp after stamp in my passport. To me, what matters in my life is family and loving them and cultivating an atmosphere where love abounds! That is more fullfiling to me than anything else.
I have never, ever been a baby person who is eager to babysit and coo over a child. When I was in high school, I always said that I would much rather mow the lawn than babysit! Now I look forward to helping out in the nursery at church and I have even considered offering to babysit for my friends! I have never even changed a diaper and her I am willing to spend hours with the little thing and take care of his every need!? I am telling you this is not normal feelings for me!
Sure I would like to travel and see and do new things. To go on adventures and experience life in that arena. But that is not really what the desires of my true heart are. The real Bethany - the deep, deep down in side, what really matters to me Bethany is to have that family. To stay at home on Saturday mornings and make everyone breakfast. To have the family movie night with pizza and popcorn. To have a faithful, loyal, loving husband who knows that life is tough and is willing to be the true man that God has made him to be. To have birthday parties with pin-the-tail on the donkey. To have Christmases with the beautiful tree and presents and feast. To have the family vacations and picnics and Sunday school. That is really what matters to me. That is what the desires of my true heart are.
Some may say that this is too conventional or idealistic or boring. And I say so be it! I am a simple, modest, low-key person who doesn't need to have the spontaneous, adventurous lifestyle. I am more than open to it and it would be great fun, but that is not what my true desires are. It's not my goal to get stamp after stamp in my passport. To me, what matters in my life is family and loving them and cultivating an atmosphere where love abounds! That is more fullfiling to me than anything else.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Proud, but Confused
I just got an update from my friend I mentioned in yesterday's post. She told me that she made a phone call last night to the married man telling him she has to cut him out of her life. I am so proud of her that she made this call and is removing herself from this situation. My fear is that he will not listen to her request and continue to contact her. Hopefully she will have the strength to stand her ground.
She says it was the hardest call she has ever made in her life and that she is in so much emotional pain at the moment. I am not sure what this guy said to her to get her so head-over-heels crazy for him (they only met a week ago). I know that they hung out for several hours last weekend and may have had a few phone/text conversations, but that is it. So why is she being so dramatic about this situation and feeling as if her world is ending? I really don't know. I am sure a psychologist would just love to dissect this case and give a report on the human emotion of infatuation.
Fascinating as it maybe, I don't quite understand either side and this "connection" they felt they made in the weeks time. I mean, doesn't anyone practice restraint anymore let alone being faithful to your spouse! I am frustrated beyond all frustration about this situation. I am very proud of my friend that she put this "friendship" on the chopping block, but what motivations really lie underneath all of this hurt and possible infidelity? They are both needing to feel wanted, accepted and validated as human beings. But isn't there another way rather than jumping into bed with each other and commiting adultery? She is feeling miffed by a friend who she thought was possibly more than a friend and he is not having his needs met by his wife in their marriage. They both so do some true soul searching and maybe even some counseling in order to avoid similar situations in the future.
Man, I wish I could go back to school and become a relationship counselor! I would just be fearful that I wouldn't ever have the right advice to give!
She says it was the hardest call she has ever made in her life and that she is in so much emotional pain at the moment. I am not sure what this guy said to her to get her so head-over-heels crazy for him (they only met a week ago). I know that they hung out for several hours last weekend and may have had a few phone/text conversations, but that is it. So why is she being so dramatic about this situation and feeling as if her world is ending? I really don't know. I am sure a psychologist would just love to dissect this case and give a report on the human emotion of infatuation.
Fascinating as it maybe, I don't quite understand either side and this "connection" they felt they made in the weeks time. I mean, doesn't anyone practice restraint anymore let alone being faithful to your spouse! I am frustrated beyond all frustration about this situation. I am very proud of my friend that she put this "friendship" on the chopping block, but what motivations really lie underneath all of this hurt and possible infidelity? They are both needing to feel wanted, accepted and validated as human beings. But isn't there another way rather than jumping into bed with each other and commiting adultery? She is feeling miffed by a friend who she thought was possibly more than a friend and he is not having his needs met by his wife in their marriage. They both so do some true soul searching and maybe even some counseling in order to avoid similar situations in the future.
Man, I wish I could go back to school and become a relationship counselor! I would just be fearful that I wouldn't ever have the right advice to give!
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