Nearly every morning over the past 6 months, I had woke to another day God had given me to live, but wanting - in a way - to die. I am not suicidal, but the pain I felt so so incredibly smothering that the only time I felt free was when I was asleep - unconscious to the world and the emotions and the realities of all that was going on. I would wake up and be immediately reminded of my life and the mess it was and the devastation I felt. I felt empty, useless, unloved, unwanted and unworthy. It took so much strength for me to even think about getting out of bed - but I did. Each and every morning I got up, took a shower, did my hair and make-up and got dressed. I would then take my dog for our morning walk and look to the east and with every effort I could muster thank God for another beautiful sunrise and another day I got to live. I would walk around my apartment complex thinking about my now ex, the day before me and wondering when things would change - when my life would change to the better and I could once again feel alive instead of dead.
Well, last week I started noticing that that emptiness that I was feeling when I would wake was finally subsiding! I thought, okay is the only temporary? I don't think so, because even though I still don't want to get out of bed, it's not because I am feeling sad anymore! It's only because I want to sleep more! It is amazing! It feels so good to wake and feel like living! I really feel like a huge burden has been lifted off of my shoulders and I feel free. No more "what ifs." I am ready to see what my future holds and excited to see what God has in store for me.
I am excited about the holidays and all that come with them. Even though I don'thave tons of money, I want to decorate and bake and shop for all of my family! The smell of cinnamon in the air and Christmas lights decorating the trees is so nice and warm feeling. I am excited and I hope that it is just a "putting on a front" feeling. I pray that I truly can face the holidays with joy in my spirit and thankfulness in my heart!
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