When I Grow Up...

As time marches on in these seemingly dark days post-marriage, my mind has just been a race of thoughts of "now what?" For 10 years, I filled my thoughts with that of my ex. Where is he? What does he need? What does he like? What does he want to do? Is he happy? Is he mad? Is he sad? He!!! He!!! He!!! It was always about him and what he needed. I focused all of my energies on him and our relationship and our finances and our home and our family. Now, for the very first time as an adult it can be Me!!! Me!!! Me!!! I am not a selfish person. I want to make others happy and focus on their needs, but I have the greatest opportunity that anyone should be so lucky to have. I get to start over - from scratch and look at life with an entirely new set of eyes and mindset. Before, I was focused on a relationship and marriage. Helping it grow and cultivating it into something beautiful that was envied by others. Well, that plant has died (not by any of my doing. I WILL NOT take any of the guilt or shame of my ruined marriage.) I wanted to work on it - he is the one who cheated on me, left me and divorced me.

So now what? What do I want from my new life? What do I want it to look like? Do I want to start dating someone immediately? Do I want to pick up and move to a new city? Do I want to become someone famous? Do I want to be a great humanitarian? Do I want to be a doctor or a lawyer? Do I want to be a beauty queen? A teacher? A police officer? A politician? The sky is the limit for me right now and that is a very intimidating thought. I have never been one with such lofty dreams and goals. I feel driven, but not driven to the point of conquering the world. I want to be happy, but what does my happiness look like? I am not sure.

What I do know is that I feel (at the moment) secure with who I am. I don't want to make any excuse for my likes or dislikes. I shouldn't have to defend that to anyone. For the past 6 months I have felt like just because I go to bed at a reasonable time, then there is something wrong with me. Or because I don't like to drink, then I am a prude. Why can't that just be accepted by those around me. I don't like to drink. Big deal! I am not saying that you shouldn't drink, but I just don't want to and I don't like it!

I am a beautiful young woman, with a great steady head on her shoulders and has morals and values that are hard to find in this world. I have so much to offer, it's just that I need to figure out what it is exactly that I have to offer and start to focus my energies into that.

When I grow up, I want to be a...