True Beauty from Ashes

It's that time of year when it seems like nostalgia seeps from every person as the year comes to a close. We reflect on the previous year’s events, look forward to a new beginning and create resolutions which we may or may not keep. I am no different. 2008 was a horrific year of struggles emotionally, mentally and physically. It was not what I would call a good year by any stretch of the imagination. So, after surviving 2008 and learning how to pick myself up off of the ground and move forward with my new life, I didn't have extremely high expectations for 2009. If I continued to live day to day with grace, then that was a huge accomplishment. All I wanted was to be happy. That's it. As I now look back at 2009, I see that not only was I happy, but I lived my life with vigor and strength that I never knew I had!

January/February - January started off pretty sedate. It was winter and cold. Near the end of the month I was asked out on my first date post-divorce by an agent in my office. I remember he was flirtations with me via Facebook and often visited me in my cube at work. Matt was a nice guy - funny, confident, driven. He finally got up the nerve to ask me out. We went out to Mama Carolla's in Broad Ripple on January 31st and I was ecstatic that I had my first date and it went really well all things considered. Ben was my first and only. At the time it seemed like a good thing, but after him I realized that I had NO experience in the dating world and that was very intimidating. I didn't know what to do or what to say. How do I act and react when on a date? I had no clue. I felt like a baby learning how to crawl - curious, but unstable. But I survived and that gave me a small confidence boost to get 2009 off to a good start.

Throughout February, Matt and I talked on the phone and via Facebook. It was new and fun. We talked about a lot of things and it was nice to get the feel of "hanging out" with someone. I still didn't feel elegant in the dating scene, but I was able to dip my toes in the water and see what it felt like. I was still scared out of my mind with the whole idea, but I knew it was yet another growing experience. I had to push myself to get out of my comfort zone and I think I did pretty darn well!

March - In March, I took a business trip to Northwestern home office in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I went with a co-worker and it was a really good experience for me. Why was it so good? Well I had to FLY to Milwaukee and for anyone who knew me just a little knew that I was terrified of flying. I had only flown two other times prior to Milwaukee and both times were with Ben. To look into the face of fear and say that it is not going to conquer me is such a strength building exercise! I was scared of flying, but I knew that I had to do it. If I was going to continue to push myself out of my comfort zone, then I had to travel to Milwaukee and see how it felt. I did it and it was yet another experience that I grew from that quick trip to Milwaukee that I have carried with me ever since.

I also remember calling my mom on the first day of spring in March and saying "Mom, I survived winter!" After going through a divorce right before the holidays and having to go through a winter in Indiana by yourself isn't exactly the most uplifting thought. People get depressed all of the time during the winter months and being recently divorced wasn't going to help. So when spring rolled around and I realized that I had gotten through and with a light and happy spirit, it was an amazing accomplishment. I am not a down and out type of person. I love to be happy and positive, but I wasn't sure how I would cope with the lonely Indiana winter. I lived through it and I was just as happy as a clam!

April - Ahh... spring time in Indiana! It was so beautiful and what was even better was that the month of April brought my 27th birthday! I was ready to put 26 behind me and become a year older and a year wiser! Tawni and Mike hosted a birthday brunch for me and I was so thankful to have them. My family is wonderful and they have been there for me through everything. They celebrated my birthday with me and I loved turning 27.

April also brought the one year anniversary of when Ben dropped the news that he had cheated on me and left me for her. April 30, 2008. What a day. April 30, 2009. What a day. It was amazing to have the new perspective I had gained on life and my relationship with Ben. I had started to see that I really was better off without him in my life, but that thought was just starting to form. April 30, 2009 was a normal day for me. I was happy. No sadness. No depression. It was just nice to have that year under my belt and know that I was going to be alright. Besides, I had greater things to look forward to at that time - the month of May!

May - In December 2008, my boss had challenged me to enter the Indianapolis Mini Marathon that was to be held in May 2009. I took him up on that challenge and I began training. I ran nearly every day for 6 months. I wanted so badly to run the entire 13.1 miles, but I am not naturally a runner. I loved to run and it had become my therapy session, but I wasn't sure if I could actually ran 13.1 miles. 13.1 MILES!! I trained and trained. I loved going to the gym. I loved running outside. It made me feel strong. Running gave me confidence - confidence that I was strong and I was a good and healthy person. May 2, 2009. Was I ready? I was and I did it!!! I ran with my cousin, April, and her husband, Mark. We encouraged each other throughout the entire race and the adrenaline was incredible. I just ran. And ran. And ran. I remember getting the 6 mile mark. I had never run any further than that, but I felt good and I kept going. It was a slow pace, but it was solid and we all felt good. Miles 11-13 were tough. Very, very tough. I didn't have any energy left. I was wiped out, but Mark and April kept pushing me I finished the race at 2 hours and 38 minutes! I remember crossing the finish line and thinking "I can stop running now!" The runners high I felt lasted a good week and a half after the race was done. I did it! It was so incredible...

The very next day, Kylie and I left for a week long vacation in Austin, Texas with our Aunt Bobbie and Uncle Bill. Once again I was faced with having to fly, but this time I was the seasoned traveler and had to make sure that Kylie and I made our flights on time! I felt a little pressure, but the flights went smooth and we got to Texas late Sunday night. We had a great time there. We went to the capital building in Austin, the rodeo and the Alamo. It was a great vacation for both of us and it was the first time we had been on a solo trip. There are certain events when you realize that you are all grown up and an adult. This trip really made me feel like that since we planned it and traveled by ourselves. It was yet another growing experience for me and I loved every minute of it!

June - I actually can't really remember the month of June... It was summer time in Indiana! I do remember meeting Tomo. He was a very nice guy and we hung out a few times. We both loved sushi and he was gracious enough to treat me to dinner a few times. It was awesome!

July - In mid-July I took a road trip with my friend Sarah to IKEA in Cincinnati, Ohio. It was a great day! I had never been to IKEA and the store felt endless! We went from room to room and there were so many great decorating ideas! I was a good girl though I spent only $20. Sarah was shopping for her new house and got some really great things to add a special touch to her new place. It was a great day of girl talk and shopping! Thanks Sarah! :)

July also offered another great stretching experience for me too. The pseudo-relationship with Matt had fizzled and I wanted to get into the dating scene, but was intimidated to no end! I didn't want to meet a guy in a bar, there weren't many (if any) single guys at church and I didn't seem like my friends had too many eligible guy friends for me to meet. Kylie and I had talked on and off about joining a Christian dating site to meet good quality guys. We thought it would be a good way to expand our horizons and see what is beyond Westfield and Noblesville. Well, she encouraged me to join eHarmony. What could it hurt? I was curious and would always be curious until I tried it. If it didn't work, then hey no big deal. At least I knew, right? So, I joined eHarmony towards the end of July. I answered all of their personality profile questions. I sorted through and posted some of my best pictures and waited. I got matched with guys of many different races and from many different areas of life. I didn't limit my matches too much. I wanted to be open for whatever may come. I communicated with a few guys. They seemed nice, polite, established. I was off to a good start and commutation with several individuals throughout the need of July and August. I was glad I was trying this method of meeting people. Can you guess what it was? A good growing experience!

August - Summer time is an awesome time to spend on the water. In August, my friend Ashley invited me and several other girls to Lake Wawasee in northern Indiana. I had never been up that way and wasn't sure what to expect of the lake. Ashley’s parents owned a boat and they hosted us for the day. It was so fun to be there, on the water, eating and drinking. We soaked up the sun and lounged on rafts in the water. It was so great and I will never forget that trip. We talked and talked about so many different things. I even got the chance to ride a wave runner for the first time! Now that was fun! It was a beautiful day with beautiful people.

September - September 1 offered to major events in my life. First, I had been studying all summer long for my Series 6 exam for work. It was so hard to study for that test since finance and investments do not come naturally to me nor are they a great interest of mine. Ugh... I studied and studied and studied! I was even sick the last few days before my test! I just wanted to get that stupid thing over with! By the grace of God I passed my test and I was so, so, so happy! Kylie and I went out and celebrated by going to Squealers and then to see "The Time Travelers Wife." I felt so good having passed the test even though I had no interest in the material.

After getting home after work that day, I checked my email and I had new matched from eHarmony. I had gotten into the routine of looking at the matches and first seeing if I was even physically attracted to the person and then quickly reading through their profile. If I felt that there was an attraction then I would immediately send them the first round of questions through the website. I didn't wait for the guys to contact me. I was a grown, confident woman who could step out on a limb and contact these guys if I felt interested in them. Well, I was matched with this one guy. He was from California. He was a recent graduate with his PhD and he was cute. His name was Tony and I thought that he looked like he was interesting. I sent him my questions and didn't think much else of it. Over the next week or so, Tony would answer my questions and then I would answer his. I liked what he had to say and we soon were able to write emails to each other. Tony was different from the other two guys I had been communicating with regularly. Our messages were thoughtful, meaningful and deep. I could feel an instant connection with him and I quickly focused on him and our messages. I began learning about him, his family, his past and I was intrigued. He soon asked for my phone number so he could call me and we could talk on the phone. I gave it to him and told him that I would wait for his call. It came on September 17. To make a long story short, our conversation was easy, casual and great! I couldn't wait to talk with him again! Over the next few weeks we talked a few times, but when we did talk it was for hours. I liked who Tony was and what he stood for and I wanted to continue to get to know him.

October - Throughout October Tony and I talked nearly everyday. We emailed and texted each other a lot. We talked about our past, our present and our futures. We connected on so many different topics. Family, religion, fiances, children, education, etc. You name it, I am sure we talked about it! Our conversations were easy and unforced. We were forming a bond even though it was only over the phone. Since he lived in California, it wasn't going to be easy to meet. We decided that he would come to Indiana at the beginning of November and met me and my family! That was a nerve wracking thought! But he booked his ticket in early October and so we had an entire month to continue learning about each other. It was awesome and I really began liking him and I knew he liked me!

November - So, the day of Tony's arrival in Indianapolis was here! November 4th! His flight was getting in at 10:30 pm and I was nervous! I had so much to prepare for, but I wanted everything to be perfect. Long story short... his visit was wonderful. We connected in person just like we did over the phone. It was a quick trip. We went out to see my home town of Losantville, we went on our first official date to Matteo's in Noblesville, we shared our first bottle of wine and our first kiss. (He was a gentleman and asked me if he could kiss me before he took the liberty of doing so!), he met my immediate family (who really liked him!) and then left for California just as quickly as he got here. It was a great weekend and we were both extremely happy with the outcome! That very night I booked my first flight to California for the first week in December. He had tickets to the Trans Siberian Orchestra in San Diego and he invited me to join him! I was ecstatic! I had never traveled my myself before, let alone all the way out to California!

After Tony returned to California we continued to talk daily ad our relationship continued to grow. On Thanksgiving Day we really kind of made our relationship official even though it was already at that point. I had kept everything with him kind of hush-hush because I didn't know if it was really going to work. So when we finally made that step, I couldn't wait to tell my friends and extended family! It felt so wonderful to be in that place again and know that Tony was truly a great man.

December finally came and so did my first trip out to California. My flights went smooth and I soon became a pro at flying. Tony and I went down to San Diego and had a marvelous time. We went to dinner at a little Italian restaurant and had a great time at the concert. The next day we made a quick trip to the coast so I could see the Pacific Ocean. It really was overwhelming to think that I had enough nerve to fly and meet Tony again and there I was at the beach with him. It was a great personal moment of adulthood. During that trip I also meet Tony's family, but only about half which was about 50 people! They had a big family gathering for the entire family - aunts, uncles and cousins to meet me! It was an amazing feeling to know that all of these people came to meet me and see who Tony's new girl was! I felt so incredibly special. It was really neat to see his family. He is Mexican and his family is a big Mexican family! Tony's speaks Spanish and it was so cool to see him interact with everyone and hear him talk. Again, the word to use was "overwhelming". Soon enough I had to leave. My flight was early in the morning and when I left it was still dark outside. I was sad to leave, but our time together was amazing.

Only a few days after my first trip to California, I was very spontaneous and booked another trip out there over Christmas. My family wasn't getting together until New Year's Eve and the flight I found was only $380 when most other flights during that time frame were $500+! It was crazy, but exciting. I distinctly remember Christmas 2008 being so sick on the couch at home by myself. I had never been so sick before and I was miserable but happy I could just at home. I also remember praying and asking God if I could be somewhere else the next Christmas. I didn't care where, just somewhere else besides sick on my couch! Well, when I recalled that time in my life it hit me that my prayer was answered! I was going to be in California over Christmas. Wow. I flew out there on Wednesday the 23rd and came home Sunday the 27th. It was a great time! I met more of Tony's family, we went to Newport Beach, we went out for sushi and a movie... Everything just felt so natural and normal with him and I loved every minute of my trip. I had really fallen in love with him.

A few days before my trip to see Tony, my mom was diagnosed with kidney cancer. It was scary. She had tests and x-rays done and we learned that it didn't look like the cancer had spread, but she needed her kidney removed. Within two weeks of learning about the cancer her surgery was scheduled for January 3 and they would see then what the cancer looked like. It was a blow to my family. My mom hadn't been sick. She felt fine and healthy and it was a pure miracle that they even found the cancer! She was a real trooper though and let God be in control. If she was scared, she never showed it.

I had an awesome year and I am sure there is much more to come!

Getting My Groove Back

This was cute...

At my office Christmas party, a few of the agents who are real characters got together and made up there own version of the "...for Dummies" book for each person in the office. Each book received a title for their own person dummies book that had something to do with there performance, personality, life event, etc. It was hilarious and went over really well with everyone. Some of the titles of the books were cute and catchy. Some were sort of a roast of the person. It was all in good fun and definitely creative! Well, the title of my book was this... "Getting Your Groove Back for Dummies." I think that this was so, very awesome and fitting for me! 2009 has been a year of getting my life back in order and moving forward with a new outlook and hope for the future. I am really planning on reflecting and writing about the events of 2009 by the end of the year, but I just wanted to share this cute little story of how even those around me have seen a tremendous change in me. I really took it as a compliment and I love it with my whole heart!!

So What Are you Afraid Of?

Over the past few months I have had an amazing journey of self-reflection and introspection that I really would have never thought I would be faced with and definitely not in the manner it has occurred. I have met someone. And he is an amazing someone to say the least. To be honest, I really thought that finding someone who embodied the same morals, values, character attributes and common goals as I felt like finding the ever elusive Bigfoot or even the fabled unicorn. I just thought that was not possible because what I felt, what I cherished and desired for my life was inconsequential and insignificant to those of the opposite sex. Sure, I knew there were quality guys out there - guys who were already spoken for or guys who would only ever be a good friend and never a romantic interest. But... then I met him and continue to be amazed, dumbfounded and moved to my very core by what I see and hear from him. Can this be my elusive unicorn? I don't know.

As we have talked and talked for hours on end, we have come to the conclusion that what we have found in each other just maybe an incredibly unique and deep connection that neither of us ever really expected to find. We may have been a little pessimistic, but for both of us there was a point in time when life just seemed too tough and too unexplained to see very far beyond our present circumstances.

Excitement and anticipation fill my every fiber. Truly. It has been a long time since I have had this kind of reaction to someone. The eagerness to talk to him, the delight that fills me when I see his name pop-up on my phone in the form of a text message and the shear glee of seeing him is overwhelming. So, if I have come across this "ungettable get" of a man what, in fact, am I afraid of? Hmm... What? What? What? I have been able to sort through and toss out a great deal of emotional and mental baggage since my conversations with my manfriend since they began back at the beginning of September, but there is still a sense hesitancy. Bottom line - I am afraid of getting hurt again and loosing all that I had worked so hard for. I am not afraid of a relationship or marriage. Not at all. I want those things in my life because they can be so incredibly rewarding. I am just afraid of experiencing the nearly unbearable pain that I once felt.

I have tried my hardest to live by this motto: "Do not let someone else determine your destiny." Okay, that sounds good and all, but is that really possible? Can I not look back at what happened in my past and not feel scared, even terrified at times, of going through something like that again? Looking back is useless, pointless. I cannot change it or alter it in any way. So why do it? I cannot continue to live my life being afraid of what has already happened. If I do, I will not see my future and can quite possibly miss out on something incredibly special and important. By looking back, I am letting Ben continue to determine my destiny and that makes me very, very angry. The determination I feel raising up in my soul to not let that happen makes me feel strong. It makes me feel tenacious.

Life is too short. A 26-year-old was killed in a car accident last night. Did he ever think he might die at this young age. Probably not. Did have goals and dreams that he wanted to accomplish? I would venture to say yes, he did. But his life is over now. He doesn't get to get up out of bed tomorrow morning and go to work again. He doesn't get to hug his mom again. He doesn't get to love again. But I do. I am still alive and I still have hopes and dreams. Why let the thought of "what if"or "maybe" stop me?

I can get hurt in any relationship no matter who it is with - a best friend, sibling, co-worker. The fact is that I cannot completely insulate myself from being hurt mentally, emotionally and spiritually by another. So why build a wall between myself and someone who wants the best for me and wants to see me happy and wants to possibly love me? Those desire that that person may have for me aren't scary. They are good, positive things that I should embrace and not continually push away just because of the notion of "what if". Chances are that those fears of being hurt to the degree that I was will never come to pass again and if I remain frigid and reluctant then I am going to miss out on a lot of life and be a miserable person in the end. I don't want to be that miserable person. I want to have a fulfilling and meaningful relationship that could quite possibly lead to marriage and a wonderful family life. If I continue to be afraid of the past, then I may never attain that future I so much desire.

Dear Ben

I want to begin this letter to you by saying this simple statement that comes from the very bottom of my heart - I forgive you. I have wanted to tell you this for several months now, but I finally feel that I am able to write those words and truly have the meaning and feeling come from a very deep place in my soul.

This past year and a half has been a whirl-wind, life-changing time for me. This time in my life has led to so many new experiences that I would have never dreamt would be part of my life story. I have learned so much about myself, the world around me and the people who love and support me. The thankfulness that pours out of my spirit is overwhelming at times, but I truly have so much to be grateful for. I have done endless amounts of soul-searching, questioning and reflecting and part of all this exploring has led me to the deepest desire and intense need to forgive you. I have found myself coming full circle and felt I should reach out to you and extend to you my forgiveness whether you have asked for it or not.

I am truly happy and excited about my life and the direction God is taking me. I have been able to move forward and by God’s faithfulness, He has brought so much beauty to my life and part of that beauty is the peace I have in my heart towards you. I just want you to know that I only carry forgiveness for you – no hate, no anger, no bitterness. I am at peace with you and I pray that you have the same peace in your life as well.

I hope you are doing well.

With much forgiveness,

Bethany

A Favor

For some reason when a thought or word hits my mind I like to look it up on Dictionary.com and see the definition and see how clearly defined the word is. For example, the word "favor" has hit me square in the face tonight and here is a short definition of the word:

1. something done or granted out of goodwill, rather than from justice or for remuneration; a kind act: to ask a favor.
2. excessive kindness or unfair partiality; preferential treatment: to treat some people with favor and others with neglect.

Why has this word struck me tonight? Why this word that has such positive meaning and expression? When someone does a favor for you, it usually means that they have done something to benefit the you; an act of kindness is shown from one person to another. As my life moves forward, constantly evolving and changing, I can't help but to think of the great favor Ben actually bestowed upon me by way of all but crushing my spirit and squeezing nearly all of the precious life out of me.

At the time, all hope was completely and devastatingly lost. There was nothing. I was a wasteland - dried, desolate, dark. Now with the anniversary of my divorce fastly approaching, I can't help but to be so thankful for those events that brought me from a place of insignificance and entrapment to this beautiful life that I now lead. Ben did me a favor. His thoughtless and careless actions freed me from that suffocating state of a life of mediocrity, stress and worry of being his wife. I wasn't Bethany. Ben did me a favor. His inhumane and horrific depart from my life has left me to be free - free to be me.

Ben did me a favor. I am now grateful that I don't have to deal with him or his actions. I no longer have to bare the consequences for his actions or lack there of. I can breath again. I am free because Ben did me a favor by leaving me. I get to do what I want, when I want, where I want. I get a second chance at living my life and being more self-aware. I get to be my own person and not tip-toeing around him or his selfish desires. I can be my own person - free of him... Isn't that strange?

Define. Label. Identify. Characterize.

As hard as I try to fight off my friends, family and the rest of the entire world from labeling me as the sad little divorced girl with a horrible tale to tell, I had a friend point out that maybe I, personally, am not seeing beyond what happened therefore defining myself as the sad divorced girl. Translation: I am putting my own label on my forehead and everyone else reads it and takes their ques from me. This thought was eye opening to me to say the least. I need to shift my thinking from focusing on the divorce, Ben and the events associated directly with that to putting the focus on myself and expressing to others who Bethany is - not the Bethany before and during the divorce, but the Bethany after. I sort of see it as needing to train my thinking to not go so far back in time to think on a lesson learned, but rather think about the Bethany who has emerged and what I have learned since. This is a work in progres...

Questions from a Friend

I have been talking with a relatively new friend of mine about my situation with Ben and forgiveness and moving forward. After talking with him, he presented a few qood, key questions that need to be addressed. I am hopeful that by blogging the answers, I will be able to gain some incredible insight to myself and the path I am on. So, here we go...

1) In terms of forgiveness, what is holding me back from forgiving Ben now? Is there anything that I still need to resolve in order to forgive him and move on?

I talk to my mom a lot about the events that took place last summer and fall. I know that I have my own point-of-view with what happened, but I know that that can be skewed or influenced by my own personal agenda and raw emotions. As we talked, she pointed out that there is a difference between the fact that I have moved on from Ben and the fact of forgiving Ben. She pointed out that these two thoughts are separate and independent of one another. I know I have moved on from Ben without a doubt. There is no possible way that I would ever accept him back into my life. I have too much respect for myself to even consider that as a possibility if that event presented itself. He is part of my past, not my future.

Now, as for forgiving him and my the grievances I have towards him and Kerri, those are areas I am actively working through. I kind of see forgiveness as different levels or stages almost like the grief process. My mom sees it as though I am actively forgiving them day by day. The forgiveness is an active verb that is currently happening. It's not going to be an event or a grand "ah-ha" moment. My forgiveness is happening everyday. It's a present progressive verb and describes the ongoing action. "I am forgiving Ben and Kerri." I am being active and seeking that in my daily life. Paul describes it pretty good in this verse:
Philippians 3:12-14
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

I feel that since the breakdown of my marriage happened in the way that it did - so fast and without any explanation - I honestly feel that I had no closure to that relationship. I have had to speculate and hypothesize the possible reasons for the demise of my marriage. Sure, I can say "Well maybe it was because of this or that and that is why he left me." But to be totally and completely honest, I never felt like I got a coherent or lucid answer from him as to why he did what he did. I have shared that I tried to express to Ben over and over that I simply did not know he felt X, Y and Z in our marriage. I thought we were happy and healthy. My entire family thought the same thing. In a way, I guess, if I could get some sort of clarification as to why he did what he did that might really lend to the process and the cloudiness I sometimes feel. I will probably never get that explanation I seek and I have to accept that.

It may take a year or two or it could take 20 years to fully come to forgiveness and feel whole. At least at this point I recognize the need to forgive and it is a present progressive verb in my life. I can talk about Ben and Kerri without my words filled with anger and bitterness. I don't feel hatred. I feel thankful that I am not in that place any more. When I talk about the situation and think about them being together, I no longer have an emotional reaction. I may not have a therapist point-of-view. All I have is my own and the desire to see this through how God wants me to.

2) If I haven't forgiven Ben yet, what is my thought process/decision on starting to develop a possible relationship with someone else? Would that work and if so, how?

Again, I don't want to confuse the two ideas of moving forward from Ben and forgiving Ben. That relationship is in the past. It's over. I am not going back. I am not in love him anymore and I am not waiting at home pining over him. My daily walk of forgiving him is ongoing and as long as I continue to move forward on that path, I think a new relationship is going to come up along that path as well. This may be a good way or very bad way to look at this question; but I almost feel that starting a new relationship is evident of the healing and forgiveness that has already taken place. If I feel that I am mentally and emotionally ready to take that next step in my life, I have only been able to get to that point through time, reflection and healing. There was no possible way that I was going to jump straight into a relationship the day after my divorce was final. Arriving at the point of feeling comfortable in exploring a new relationship is another part of my journey post-divorce. I think it is another part of the healing and forgiving process. I think it is positive that I would like to seek out another relationship and that I am not bitter and jaded towards the thought. There was a time early on post-divorce that I felt that way and wondered why anyone really wants to get married since it can lead to so much hurt. But I have been learning to look at relationship and marriage through the way God initially created them and not what the world has turned them into.

A friend of mine introduced me to a new concept that I had never heard of before. This ideas is called a corrective event. After doing some research thanks to Google.com I found it explained like this - "A re-exposure under favorable circumstances to an emotional situation with which one could not cope with in the past." Whether or not this can be directly applies to my thought process of exploring a new relationship or not, in a way it's kind of how I would answer the above question. I had a bad experience (my relationship and marriage to Ben) and things did not go as I would have anticipated they should have (it ending in divorce due to an affair.) I realize and am cognizant of the fact that I cannot view relationships and marriage in the same light as I view my past experience in those areas. My perception is horribly skewed due to my past experience, but I know that I cannot measure any future relationships against the past. It would be unfair and unreasonable.

3)In my journey of healing, do I think I have rushed myself to move on quickly and maybe overlooked certain aspects of healing after such a devastating experience?

I feel that I can answer this question with a solid no; I do not think I have moved on too quickly. Yes, I have done some cautious exploration into the dating realm and have examined the process of dating and getting into another relationship very carefully. I didn't jump into a new relationship immediately after my divorce was final and I still have not. I have taken the past year to take in my new life and to examine myself. I feel like over the past 18 months, I have met myself for the first time. I know that there are some people out there who crave the romantic relationships of life. They feel that they function more effectively while in a relationship and that they are at their best while with someone. I do agree that being in a relationship can be very healthy and bring out a lot of positives traits in either person. You are exposed to new situations, events and thought process that you may not experience while being single. I also believe that the same goes for being single - new situations, events and thought process can be experienced during that time as well. I was determined to not rush into anything and allow for time to heal and grow as an individual so when I am in my next relationship I can be a happy, healthy, healed contributor of that relationship. I kind of see it this way... Right after my divorce I had a lot of baggage - suitcases, duffle bags, totes, make-up cases. Baggage weighting me down, slowing me down. So, I boarded the train of singlehood not exactly knowing where and when the stops would happen or what direction the train was even going in. I swallowed my fears and insecurities and hopped on board with all my might. As the train made stops throughout the course of the journey of singlehood I got off the train, looked around at the scenery and dropped a piece of luggage. These certain stops included getting through the holidays without sadness or depression, being extremely sick on Christmas day and feeling thankful that I could be at home by myself, going out on my first date, flying to Milwaukee for work, celebrating my 27th birthday, hitting the “one year after” mark, running in the mini, flying to Texas, supporting a friend through a rough pregnancy, guiding a friend through a possible affair herself, passing my Series 6, meeting and celebrating events with many new friends, working out and looking at the option of becoming a personal trainer and looking towards the bright future. Each and every one of these events helped me to see who I am through all of the baggage I was carrying and helped me to put down a piece as well. Now, I don't feel that I have dropped every single piece of baggage that I carry, but I can say with all honesty that my load is lighter and I am gaining more and more freedom form that baggage with ever new life experience I come to. It still may take years for all of that to really, truly be released. It's not an instantaneous event that all of those pieces are dropped to the ground. What I do think though, and what I and hopefully for is that people can see that I am working towards letting all of this baggage that I carry in regards to Ben and the divorce go. That is my goal and that is what I strive towards every day. So no, I don't believe I am trying to move on too quickly and that I am missing certain aspects of the healing process. That is exactly what all of this is - a process. Day in and day out, it's a process and I am continually learning from it.

To sum all of this up, I have a lot to offer and a lot of life left to live. As a favorite saying of mine goes, I will not let someone else affect my destiny. I am in control of my life (well, I guess technically God is in control of my life), but I am not going to let another human being (ie Ben) determine what my life path looks like. It would be a great injustice to allow his thoughtless, hurtful actions decide for me what kind of future I am going to have.

Another Mile Stone

Over the past 17 months, there have been many mile stones I have marked mentally as my life moves forward from April 2008. Today is one of those days. Besides it being my papa's 57th birthday, a year ago today I went to the post office in Westfield and picked up the divorce papers. I remember it was a beautifully sunny day. Mike drove to the post office with the secured mail notification sitting in my purse and me feeling kind of dazed and confused. When the envelope was in hand, I actually had Mike open it for me as I breathed deeply from the passenger seat of his Mercedes. The paperwork was confusing and filled with legal jargon. I was actually impressed in a way that Ben filled out the papers and found the courthouse in downtown and filed. Honestly, I thought he wouldn't be able to figure it out. And he did to an extent. It was kind of comical because the items he requested to be turned over to him were things like his xbox and a few figurines from Africa. Worthless junk that was now what defined his life. Is that mean? Maybe, but that's what he walked away with minus the $1300 settlement for his car. What else was comical was the fact that he didn't even get our wedding date right. That was like pouring salt into the wound, but I guess I shouldn't have expected much more from him. I remember that I didn't cry. The reality had already set in and I knew the process had started and there was nothing I could do.

I truly can't believe it has been a year. These one year later moments are somewhat surreal. Time really has flown by and I try to comprehend where I was and where I am today. As I continue to reevaluate my life and the new path I am on. I am slowly realizing this simple, yet potent fact - Ben held me back in my life. He could have swore up and down that I was the one hindering him and his big plans for his life, but I think it is quite the opposite. I find this puzzling and astonishing. I wish I could really illustrate my new outlook on my life without him. It's different. I'm different.

Rerouting

As I was driving in my car day before yesterday I was listening to a Christian radio station and wasn't paying too much attention to the topic of conversation. But a small statement caught my attention and really got me thinking. The statement had to do with rerouting and going in a new direction. To reroute means to change the route or path of, to send another way. You are on a path and it turns out it was the wrong path and something happens and the path is different from where you were. I never thought of my marriage is the wrong path. I actually thought I was on the right one and heading in the right direction in my life. I am not sure why or how I got onto the wrong path. It wasn't a conscious decision that I made. I never thought I was doing something wrong, but maybe I was. Maybe God has a different life planned for me and the only thing He could do was to drastically reroute me and my plans I had for my life.

It's old news to me now - my life is different. My life was turned on its side and violently shaken to its core. I am thankful now that the shaking has stopped and the path has changed. I am happy. I like my new path even though at first it seemed unbearable and treacherous. I don't really have any answers. I don't really know where this new path is going to take me. I don't really know what God's plans are for my life. I seek His will and I embrace it - sometimes willingly and at other times not so willingly. It's not easy and I have a multitude of unanswered questions that will most likely never end. But I am okay with that. If I can find the peace and faith to trust God, then everything will work out and the light at the end of the tunnel is extremely, powerfully bright.

Rerouted. I was wrong. Things changed. New path. Exciting.

Then & Now

Am I really a different person than I was before my life changed forever? Have I really changed? Have I grown and matured? Or am I just fooling myself and thinking I am a different person when in all reality I am the same old Bethany?



Who was I 16 months ago?
I was numb to life in a sense. I was going through the motions. Trying to build a life on very little money. I lived and breathed for Ben. I really truly did. I loved him with such a fierce devotion that all I ever wanted to do was make him happy, support him in everything he did in his career and keep him safe from the world and, at times, himself. I was worried, fearful, closed up. I was set in my routine. Get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed. Repeat. I never really felt like I had the opportunity to have fun. I felt as if I were Ben's mother, keeping him out of harms way, reining him in and telling him no. He didn't have a stop button. It felt like he would always go a bit too far in his jokes or overstay his welcome, drink too much and never get enough sleep. Why did I feel like I had to be the responsible one in my marriage and ensure that things got done? I guess I couldn't rely on Ben. It felt like if I ever asked him to do something, it wouldn't get done or only half way. I felt like he wasn't responsible enough for my level of maturity. Maybe so, maybe not. That's just how I feel. Maybe I didn't give him the opportunity to shine as a man in our marriage. What I do remember is that he worked a lot - early in the morning to late a night. If something needed to be done, I had to do it because his schedule was so unreliable. I did the shopping, the bills, the scheduling. I didn't have any friends to hang out with. Ben was my friend and I thought that was all I needed. We did everything together and I thought that was how it was supposed to be. I never wanted to be away from him. I was a very fearful person. I never wanted to be stretched to do new things. I depended on him for my mental security. I needed him to be at home with me. I needed him to want to be safe so that I wouldn't loose him in accident. I was afraid to be by myself. I hated going out late with him and being in a crowd. I felt so dependent on him for my happiness. I felt like he made me happy. He was all I needed to be happy. In a way he and his presence in my life for 10 years defined who I was. Even though he defined me there were times when I felt he held me back and I am sure there were times when I held him back. That's the give and take of any relationship, right? I guess, the bottom line is that with Ben I was a very scared person. Scared of loosing him, scared of living life, scared to do new things, scared to be apart from him. Unsure of myself, dependent on him, no confidence.

Who am I today?
That is a good question. I would have to say I am not that fearful person anymore or not the extent I was with Ben. I don't have to worry anymore about him and his actions. He is not a concern of mine now and it is a very free feeling. I can do what I want, when I want and only have to feel responsible to myself and my actions. I would have to say that I am more open to different experiences. I have ran a half marathon, traveled and have gained several awesome groups of friends. I am involved at church and even trying out the dating scene. I live on my own and am able to support myself financially. I feel independent now instead of dependent. That is a very powerful feeling. I am a young, attractive, single gal living and working in the city and navigating my way through life events. I love to run and cook. I love my family and my dog. My apartment is my home and I get to decorate it how I want to. I can come and go as I please without feeling responsible for someone else and letting them down. Who am I? I am a more dynamic, experienced person who in spite of all that has happened, is thriving and just may be a better person because of it. I almost feel like my life could be a best-seller, one that so many young women could relate to and see that they aren't the only ones who have gone through hell and fought their way back and are better than ever!

I know this post is probably a bit of rambling. It's just where my thoughts take me and it's an incredible journey!

Philippians 1:6 Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Desires of Bethany's Heart

I am 27 and for the first time in my adult life I am beginning to feel the real desire to have a children and it is very strange. I guess it might just be all of the baby mania going on around me. I have had four fairly close friends have babies recently and I can feel myself wanting what they have. Plus I am watching season 8 of "Friends" and this is the when Rachel is pregnant so of course that just adds fuel to the fire!

I have never, ever been a baby person who is eager to babysit and coo over a child. When I was in high school, I always said that I would much rather mow the lawn than babysit! Now I look forward to helping out in the nursery at church and I have even considered offering to babysit for my friends! I have never even changed a diaper and her I am willing to spend hours with the little thing and take care of his every need!? I am telling you this is not normal feelings for me!

Sure I would like to travel and see and do new things. To go on adventures and experience life in that arena. But that is not really what the desires of my true heart are. The real Bethany - the deep, deep down in side, what really matters to me Bethany is to have that family. To stay at home on Saturday mornings and make everyone breakfast. To have the family movie night with pizza and popcorn. To have a faithful, loyal, loving husband who knows that life is tough and is willing to be the true man that God has made him to be. To have birthday parties with pin-the-tail on the donkey. To have Christmases with the beautiful tree and presents and feast. To have the family vacations and picnics and Sunday school. That is really what matters to me. That is what the desires of my true heart are.

Some may say that this is too conventional or idealistic or boring. And I say so be it! I am a simple, modest, low-key person who doesn't need to have the spontaneous, adventurous lifestyle. I am more than open to it and it would be great fun, but that is not what my true desires are. It's not my goal to get stamp after stamp in my passport. To me, what matters in my life is family and loving them and cultivating an atmosphere where love abounds! That is more fullfiling to me than anything else.

Proud, but Confused

I just got an update from my friend I mentioned in yesterday's post. She told me that she made a phone call last night to the married man telling him she has to cut him out of her life. I am so proud of her that she made this call and is removing herself from this situation. My fear is that he will not listen to her request and continue to contact her. Hopefully she will have the strength to stand her ground.

She says it was the hardest call she has ever made in her life and that she is in so much emotional pain at the moment. I am not sure what this guy said to her to get her so head-over-heels crazy for him (they only met a week ago). I know that they hung out for several hours last weekend and may have had a few phone/text conversations, but that is it. So why is she being so dramatic about this situation and feeling as if her world is ending? I really don't know. I am sure a psychologist would just love to dissect this case and give a report on the human emotion of infatuation.

Fascinating as it maybe, I don't quite understand either side and this "connection" they felt they made in the weeks time. I mean, doesn't anyone practice restraint anymore let alone being faithful to your spouse! I am frustrated beyond all frustration about this situation. I am very proud of my friend that she put this "friendship" on the chopping block, but what motivations really lie underneath all of this hurt and possible infidelity? They are both needing to feel wanted, accepted and validated as human beings. But isn't there another way rather than jumping into bed with each other and commiting adultery? She is feeling miffed by a friend who she thought was possibly more than a friend and he is not having his needs met by his wife in their marriage. They both so do some true soul searching and maybe even some counseling in order to avoid similar situations in the future.

Man, I wish I could go back to school and become a relationship counselor! I would just be fearful that I wouldn't ever have the right advice to give!

Is It Worth It?

As I sit here, I am seriously wondering if a romantic relationship or even marriage is really worth all of the heartache and trouble it could lead too. Headlines today are filled with individuals who are unfaithful to their significant other. Politicians, actors, athletes all reveal their infidelities for the world to see.

"We are soul mates."

"I made a mistake."

"We are trying to rebuild our marriage."

"I didn't cheat!"

On top of these flashy headlines that sell the newspapers and tabloid glossies, I am personally faced with this scenario once again in my life. A new found friend is being challenged to not become "the other woman" and she is struggling very much with this decision even though in her heart of hearts she knows what the right choice is. Why is this? Why is she even considering taking this next step that only leads to destruction? And why is this married man pursuing her?

I question what the married man seeks from this young girl, but I also question what she seeks in his company. Her heart aches for what every young girl and woman longs for – even me. Acceptance. Love. Security. She may find this in his arms. She may not. And then what? Onto yet another man who will only temporarily fill the emptiness she feels.

My heart clenches at the thought of another marriage falling to the wayside at the whim of fantasy and instant of pleasure. This fleeting and often unsatisfied moment leads down a filthy path full of shame, guilt, self-pity and loathing. This fleeting moment leaves in its wake hearts forever broken and lives shattered. This fleeting moment is just that – fleeting, short lived and empty. And all for what? Passion? Excitement? Adventure? So after the passion has faded (and it does) and after the adventure has ended (and it will), then what? What is left? A relationship that is based on trust and love. I don't think so. Brokenness for all parties involved.

I don’t have the answers. I wish I did. As I spoke to my friend today, I laid it all out there for her to hear. You cannot do this. You must break all contact with him now and forever. No text massages. No phone calls. You cannot see him again. This is where your character and integrity are being called into play. We already know what he is capable of doing. What are you capable of doing? Great and wonderful things that are not down this path. You will get hurt no matter how you want to spin this situation to your benefit. You will get hurt and you will hurt others. Is that really what you want as apart of your life?

Blah

For some reason, I am feeling a little blah today. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's something else. Maybe I am wanting something more...

Stream of Conscious

Writing is purging. Writing is purging. Writing is purging. What do I have to purge? I have so much in my soul that is jumping, charging, smashing to get out of my insides. If I don’t let it out it will surely kill me. Kill my brain. Kill my heart. Kill my soul. So much has happened. So much but so little at the same time. Only a year has gone by. But an entire year has gone by! It has moved by at the speed of the growth of a flower and at others it has roared through like a swift thunderstorm that rushes through on a cold front. Before you know it is over. You live in Indiana and don’t like the weather? Wait five minutes, it will change. That’s exactly what happened. All of a sudden it has changed. My life. So fast, so "whoa wait a minute" fast. How do I feel about that. Trying to stay upbeat and positive. There are times, moments when I don’t believe this is my life. There are times when I am glad this is my life. There are times when I want a different life. Stay positive Bethany. You are blessed. Why me? Will he come back? I’ll show him! Mother fucker!! No, he has no idea. He’s hurting. He needs help. Maybe I can help him. Would he care? I hate him. No you don’t. You still love him. I love him, but I am not in love with him. Stupid Ben. He really fucked up his life. What a looser. Whore. Why me? It’s okay. I’m okay. Am I okay? Time. Time will pass. Time passing is good. I just need some time and space. I like you. You are nice. Can I trust you? I am afraid. Did I say something wrong. Dating is hard, hard work! I am having fun. It’s an adventure. Will I always be single? I want children. Do I want children? I am not worthless. I have so much to give. So much love and support. I am a supporter. I feel inadequate. Will anyone ever appreciate my personality and all I have to offer? I am weird. How can anyone ever want me? I am weird and I like to go to bed at a reasonable hour. You think I am pretty? Thank you. I don’t know how to flirt. Do I look okay? Confidence. Have confidence. Lord HELP ME!! I need you. What direction do you want me to go in? What’s my purpose. I thought I had it all planned out. My life and the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids. Being a soccer mom. I hate this. Why me? Who am I? I don’t know how to take care of myself. I am a lover, not a fighter. I love you unconditionally. Give me a chance. I can change. Please don’t do this. I am at zero. Where do I go from here? I am scared. Do I want to kill myself? Sleeping pills would be easy. I have so much to live for. I am blessed. God never gives us more than we can handle. Peace. Turmoil. Rollercoaster. Calm. Ahhh…. Is it over yet? I don’t want a divorce. I am not a divorcee. I am single. Single. Single. Alone. Just me. Can I just quit? Does God want me to get a divorce? Restoration. Love Ben with all your heart. Fast and pray. Fast and pray. Fast and pray. Power of a praying wife. Fast. Write. Blog. I am strong. I am a new person. I am a woman. I love my sister. I love my family. New wineskins. Keep buggering on. KBO! How to survive an affair. Cut him off. Move on. Take care of yourself. Have fun. Run. Run. Run. The treadmill is my therapist. Run. Run. Run. Marathon runner! I am going to Texas! I can fly. I am not afraid. I am going out on my first date! Nervous! I like him. He’s nice. Can I handle this? Get out there and date, date, date! Abandoned. Left. Alone. Crying. Sobbing. Fetal position. Tired. Inconsolable. Fearful. Powerful. Independent. Awesome. You can do this. Why did he do this? What did I do to deserve this? I can change. I want to change. Please stop this and come home. I’m done. It wasn’t empty. I cheated. I want a divorce. I love you. I hate you. I loathe you. I want to forgive you. Can I forgive you? I am okay. I forgive you. I am okay. Am I okay? Prayers with my family. They pray for me. They pray with me. Secluded. Desperate for an end. Happy for a new beginning. I feel good. My mom is proud of me. Be poised. Be graceful. Be a lady. Don’t be nasty. Hold your head up high. Beauty from ashes. God can do anything. I have a greater yes. Does God hear me? Faith. Walk by faith. Isaiah 61. Zephaniah 3. Hebrews 11. Every new day, God does not fail. God can do what He says He can do, god is who He says He is. Believe. Just accept it. He cheated on me, he left me, he divorced me. I tried. I was not a bad wife. I am not a bad person. I did not fail him. I tried. Why won't you talk to me? You were lying to me? I have so much to offer. I want to do things and go places. Don't give up. Keep pressing on. Don't give up. Friends. I have friends and they love me. Thank you. I love my puppy. Sobbing at work. Don't look at me. Write. Blog. Write. Pray. Write. Blog. Fast. Pray. Pray. Pray. Will this ever end? Move on. I have to move on. I have moved on. It feels good.

Fabulous!

It's has been such a long time since I have written and I fully intend to recount the recent months soon. I have decided to take next Monday through Wednesday to fast, pray and write. If I don't intentionally set aside time to do it, it will not happen. I am looking forward to this time and reconnecting with God and purging through prayer and writing.

In brief, I am really doing fabulous! I can’t say that I am 100% better today. Even though time has healed the immediate hurting, it is still there - sometimes faint and others times like a roaring lion. I have had a few personal revelations within the past few weeks about myself, Ben and the direction I want my life to go in. The first is that I have come to terms with the fact that I have a lot of anger and bitterness in my heart towards Ben. I had never admitted that because it is so unpleasant and ungodly. Once I openly admitted to myself that I was angry and I was bitter, it was like a light bulb coming on. I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to be bitter. Those emotions only lead to more negative thoughts and habits. They can hold me back in life if I let them. But I will not let them do that. I am determined to overcome those feelings and set my heart and mind to good and positive thoughts towards Ben and my new life.

The second revelation was that I need to accept the fact that Ben will always be apart of who I was. I have so many good and happy memories of Ben and with Ben that there is no possible way to continually ignore them and want to cut them out of my life. That is not possible and then my life would be negative 10 years of events just because they had Ben in them. I have not and will not cut up all of my pictures of Ben nor will I throw out any love letters or mementos. That was who I was. That was my life and I am thankful for that part of me.

The third revelation was that I want to reach out to Ben and let him know that I am okay. I am healthy and happy and able to move forward without him. I am hopeful that if I am able to share with him my healing and my progress and my new life, then he will be able to move forward with his new life and forgive himself for what he did. This may or may not be an instant positive reaction, but if he knows that I am okay I am hopeful that it would help him in some small way. He is a good person too and has so much to offer that it would be a shame if he does not reach his full potential even without me. I want to help Ben heal.

My fourth revelation was the simple fact that in my I head I was able to say, “Ben, I am okay and I forgive you.” I had never done that before, but that thought came with such ease it kind of threw me for a loop. I didn’t expect it. But since I didn’t have to force and coach myself into thinking and feeling it, I am hopeful that it was not a fleeting moment of grace but a true reaction and thought process.

I really feel like I am heading in a solid, fulfilling direction in my life. I am amazed to my very core that over a year has passed and where I a mentally in all of the chaos that occurred. I can say I am thankful, but that doesn't even begin to describe what I feel in my heart. Being thankful doesn't even cover the extreme greatfulness that I feel for all I have and all I have been through. This feeling of contenment, joy, happiness, peace and love just wants to pour out of me and show everyone what God has done for me in my life inspite of the hell and torment I went through last year.

Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Every New Day...

As I was getting ready for work this morning, I was listening to Moody Radio and every day they have these little daily devotionals from Ron Hutchcraft and today's message really caught my attention. In particular it was this verse: Every new day, He will not fail. - Zephaniah 3:5.

We are human and we are going to fail on another. It's inevitable. We are going to make mistakes and fall over and over, but my peace and assurance is that God will not fail me. He will catch me every time I am gloriously human and make mistakes. Everyday as I see the sunrise, that is my promise that He has made another day and God has not failed me. Is there a human out there who can make the sunrise and is without fault? No.

The need to forgive my ex is abundantly clear as I write this blog. I am human and I fail. He is human and he fails. I failed him on a certain level and he failed me on a different level. Forgiveness is acknowledging the failure and saying I know you are not perfect and because we are both human and destined to fail, I forgive you and your imperfections, shortfalls, failures and from that point on living and understanding that there has been forgivness. Accepting that forgiveness was given and moving on with that forgiveness set in the heart and mind.

Twenty-seven

Whew! I never knew I could be so happy to be turning a year older! My spirit is so happy to be turing 27 today and finally get 26 behind me. Half of it was bad - very, very bad. But once the divorce was final, things started looking up. I felt better. My thoughts were more clear. I felt confident and secure. It was as if I had been in a horrific storm that seemed to never end and then finally it stopped - almost as quickly as it had started. I was able to asses the damage and begin to pick up my life and put it back together again. I can really see and feel God's healing touch in my life. I wasn't physically ill, but my spirit had been crushed - my heart was broken. But I know I am doing much, much better than I had ever expected. I am so thankful for all I have in my life. Every need I have had has been met. And my spirit is happy. My life is different. My life has a new, dynamic feel to it. It's subtle, but I can see and feel it. I have been faced with new situations, new thought processes and new people. I am not sure I would have ever had them in my previous life. Everything is different, but I am learning that that is okay and I am going to be okay.

Heneni

Here I am - that is what the Hebrew word "heneni" translates to. Here I am. I have been so curious and puzzled as to why I am who I am and why I am where I am. As I was driving into work this morning, I was praying and thinking and finally said "You know God, I don't want to be in control anymore." Being in control leads to stress and worry and I want to move on from that place of unfaithfulness. When God called to Abraham, he answered "Here I am." Heneni... Here I am Lord. What do you want from me.? What do you want me to do? Why is it that I am in this particular place and time? What can I do? Who do you want me to become? What do you want me to say?

Here I am, Lord. Send me. I long to be open to you and to see you move in my life. You have brought me to this place and I cry out to you HENENI!

Understanding

I am not sure if I will ever fully understand why my life has taken the course it has. After reading some of my old entries, I barely recognize the person who wrote them. I read the words and remember, but I am not that person anymore. It is almost an out-of-body experience. I remember writing those thoughts and feelings. I remember the agony I felt, but I am not that person anymore. I am Bethany. I am happy. I am healing.

I was reading in my devotion this morning and it was Proverbs 3:5 - Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. I remember the time and the place when I received the phone call from Ben telling me that he wanted a divorce. I was at my friend, Sarah's, house. We were watching synchronized diving of the 2008 Summer Olympics. After the phone call her and I went on a walk around Carmel and I cried and she encouraged me. I remember saying to her "I just don't understand." Immediately after saying those words I remembered a portion of that Proverbs verse - do not lean on your own understanding. I remember it so vividly. Nearly 8 months later, I remembered that time and place as I read that verse this morning and I was left in awe as I thought of that moment in late August. Look at how far I have come. Look at what I have accomplished and overcome. Look at the joy and the thankfulness that fills my life. Look. Understanding doesn't come at the exact moment you want it to come. Full understanding still has not seeped into my soul, but I see now that I am on a different road - a better road that still has opportunities for me left and right. I never thought I could feel whole again. Ben was such in integral part of me and who I was and my life. But I don't need that. I am who I am and slowly I gain a little more understanding with each day that passes.

Anew

As time marches on and I slowly settle into my new life, my thought process had changed. Maybe drastically, maybe slightly - but it has changed and I am encouraged by it.

My life is different now. Very different. I am learning so much about who I am and how I function. I am learning that I can be independent and survive without the assistance of anyone. That is such an incredible feeling. I can do this! I am really loving my life and all of the people in it. I am so thankful. My heart is joyful again and life is worth living even if it's not how I wanted it to turn out. I have so many different opportunities now that I did not have when I was married. They aren't drastic, life-altering opportunities but they are there and it's been a challenge to really see it I want to accept them or not.

I am anew. I am happy. I am thankful. I am happy.

I do not want my old life back. I do not want him back. I do not want to go back.

I am moving forward and have a new "friend" interest that is exciting with a ton of potential. I am moving on with my life and feel nothing but sadness for my ex and all that he faces in life now.

Glass Wall

I feel so desperate to be free from the emotions, thoughts and memories from my ex. I know it hasn't even been a year yet. I know that I need time. I know that this isn't going to heal overnight. I know that! But I just wish I could really let myself forgive him and move on. I feel like no matter how much progress I make mentally and emotionally, I am still hitting this glass wall that is my ex even though he is no longer in my life. And I just can't seem to shatter that glass and move past my past. I haven't been able to do that yet and it's very frustrating. I don't want to be tied to those emotions any longer. I want to be free. Free to love again. Free to really have fun and have a life that is beyond him. He and what he has done to me is this glass wall that holds me back and I really want to break through it with all my power, but I still feel held back.

Puzzled

I don't want him so why am I still hung up on him? I don't I want my ex anymore. I am happy. I am free. So why do I still struggle day in and day out with thoughts about him and questions that will never be answered? I know I still love him, but I am not in love with him. I love him, but in a caring way - not in a wifely way. How can I move on and tear myself from him and all of the feelings, thoughts, actions and hope I had for him and with him? I am very puzzled by this... How can I move on when I still feel consumed by him, his once love for me and his actions? How can I separate that time in my life from now?

I don't want him. I want me and my happiness and my dreams and my love.

Head Trash

Growing up, I am proud to say that I always felt like I had great self-confidence. Nothing over the top or in your face confidence, but I was happy with who I was and never really thought about what others thought of me. It seemed that I was always well liked and easy to get along with. I wasn't one of the popular girls in high school, but that was OK. I knew I was smart, well dressed, well behaved and fairly pretty. I accepted myself and I was happy.

Well, recently I have come to discover that for the first time in my life I question my personality and who I am and what I like. I question if I truly am a likable person or if my personality is just annoying to those who meet me and take the chance to get to know me. Sure, the outside looks pretty and well packaged, but once you get to know the person inside is it as they expected? Or are they completely turned off by what they discover underneath?

My ex rejected me and left but why? Thanks to him I now feel unlikeable and hideous - like my personality and my likes and dislikes are so detestable that I wonder how anyone could possibly want to get to know me and want to date me.

I am a simple, low-key person. Not much mess, not much fuss. I truly enjoy staying at home cleaning, cooking, reading, walking my dog, watching a movie. I really am enjoying the single life. I like doing what I want to do without worrying about anyone else. I actually love it and even though I do want to get married again (some day), I am truly embracing the solitude and stress-free life that is mine now. It's OK to me that I want to stay at home on a Saturday night and bake cookies, bathe my dog and do laundry. That is what I like. That is what I want to do. Why can't people accept that about me? Why do I have to want to go out and drink and be in a smoke filled bar yelling at the person next to me to have a conversation?

What is wrong with me? Why did he leave me? What about me did he find so intolerable that his only solution was to cheat on me, leave and never give me or our marriage a second thought?

Like I said... head trash...

A While...

Gosh... It's been a while since I have posted and I was acutally considering shutting my blog down, but after reading through a few of my old posts, I see that this is what I need. This is where I have to unload, figure out things and confuse myself with my own thoughts, but for the entire world to read.

It's been about a month and a half since the divorce was final and I am actually doing very well mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually (have I forgotten one?)... I am not saying that I am completely healed of the hurt I experienced (not by a long shot!) and totally over my ex, but each day there is some sort of progress or realization that comes. God has truly been with me every step of the way and my heart over flows with thankfulness of all He has done for me.

I got through the holidays with not much if any depression or loneliness. I actually spent Christmas Eve and Christmas day at home, by myself sicker than I had ever been sick before. But I didn't feel sad. I was just thankful that I wasn't missing any get together those days.

I have started "training" for the mini-marathon in May. It's been really good for me to go to the gym, crank up the music and just run until I can't run any longer (which isn't that far, but hey it's a start!) I am getting involved at church through a ministry called "Helping Hands" (we cook for those who aren't able to due to a death or new birth.) And I just love my friends! They have been very good to me and supportive. My job is going very well and with a new year ahead of us we have set goals to achieve and hopefully do much better sales wise than 2008.

I am thankful that I have not gotten myself into a relationship right off the bat. There are a few guys out there who have voiced some interest, but I am just not ready for that and it might be a while until I get to that point at all. I am okay with that though. I am thoroughly enjoying myself being myself and doing what I want to do and when I want to do it. Being truly selfish for now and I like it. It's time to do that and it's all good.

I am just so eager to put as much distance between myself and that time in my life. Time really does heal and I look forward to a year from now and being able to say "I am doing awesome... so much better than I deserve!" And I know that it's not me or my strength that is getting me through this time in my life. It's my Lord and He is worthy to be praised!

I'm back and I'm blogging! Enjoy!