Growing up, I am proud to say that I always felt like I had great self-confidence. Nothing over the top or in your face confidence, but I was happy with who I was and never really thought about what others thought of me. It seemed that I was always well liked and easy to get along with. I wasn't one of the popular girls in high school, but that was OK. I knew I was smart, well dressed, well behaved and fairly pretty. I accepted myself and I was happy.
Well, recently I have come to discover that for the first time in my life I question my personality and who I am and what I like. I question if I truly am a likable person or if my personality is just annoying to those who meet me and take the chance to get to know me. Sure, the outside looks pretty and well packaged, but once you get to know the person inside is it as they expected? Or are they completely turned off by what they discover underneath?
My ex rejected me and left but why? Thanks to him I now feel unlikeable and hideous - like my personality and my likes and dislikes are so detestable that I wonder how anyone could possibly want to get to know me and want to date me.
I am a simple, low-key person. Not much mess, not much fuss. I truly enjoy staying at home cleaning, cooking, reading, walking my dog, watching a movie. I really am enjoying the single life. I like doing what I want to do without worrying about anyone else. I actually love it and even though I do want to get married again (some day), I am truly embracing the solitude and stress-free life that is mine now. It's OK to me that I want to stay at home on a Saturday night and bake cookies, bathe my dog and do laundry. That is what I like. That is what I want to do. Why can't people accept that about me? Why do I have to want to go out and drink and be in a smoke filled bar yelling at the person next to me to have a conversation?
What is wrong with me? Why did he leave me? What about me did he find so intolerable that his only solution was to cheat on me, leave and never give me or our marriage a second thought?
Like I said... head trash...
Monday, January 26, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
A While...
Gosh... It's been a while since I have posted and I was acutally considering shutting my blog down, but after reading through a few of my old posts, I see that this is what I need. This is where I have to unload, figure out things and confuse myself with my own thoughts, but for the entire world to read.
It's been about a month and a half since the divorce was final and I am actually doing very well mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually (have I forgotten one?)... I am not saying that I am completely healed of the hurt I experienced (not by a long shot!) and totally over my ex, but each day there is some sort of progress or realization that comes. God has truly been with me every step of the way and my heart over flows with thankfulness of all He has done for me.
I got through the holidays with not much if any depression or loneliness. I actually spent Christmas Eve and Christmas day at home, by myself sicker than I had ever been sick before. But I didn't feel sad. I was just thankful that I wasn't missing any get together those days.
I have started "training" for the mini-marathon in May. It's been really good for me to go to the gym, crank up the music and just run until I can't run any longer (which isn't that far, but hey it's a start!) I am getting involved at church through a ministry called "Helping Hands" (we cook for those who aren't able to due to a death or new birth.) And I just love my friends! They have been very good to me and supportive. My job is going very well and with a new year ahead of us we have set goals to achieve and hopefully do much better sales wise than 2008.
I am thankful that I have not gotten myself into a relationship right off the bat. There are a few guys out there who have voiced some interest, but I am just not ready for that and it might be a while until I get to that point at all. I am okay with that though. I am thoroughly enjoying myself being myself and doing what I want to do and when I want to do it. Being truly selfish for now and I like it. It's time to do that and it's all good.
I am just so eager to put as much distance between myself and that time in my life. Time really does heal and I look forward to a year from now and being able to say "I am doing awesome... so much better than I deserve!" And I know that it's not me or my strength that is getting me through this time in my life. It's my Lord and He is worthy to be praised!
I'm back and I'm blogging! Enjoy!
It's been about a month and a half since the divorce was final and I am actually doing very well mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually (have I forgotten one?)... I am not saying that I am completely healed of the hurt I experienced (not by a long shot!) and totally over my ex, but each day there is some sort of progress or realization that comes. God has truly been with me every step of the way and my heart over flows with thankfulness of all He has done for me.
I got through the holidays with not much if any depression or loneliness. I actually spent Christmas Eve and Christmas day at home, by myself sicker than I had ever been sick before. But I didn't feel sad. I was just thankful that I wasn't missing any get together those days.
I have started "training" for the mini-marathon in May. It's been really good for me to go to the gym, crank up the music and just run until I can't run any longer (which isn't that far, but hey it's a start!) I am getting involved at church through a ministry called "Helping Hands" (we cook for those who aren't able to due to a death or new birth.) And I just love my friends! They have been very good to me and supportive. My job is going very well and with a new year ahead of us we have set goals to achieve and hopefully do much better sales wise than 2008.
I am thankful that I have not gotten myself into a relationship right off the bat. There are a few guys out there who have voiced some interest, but I am just not ready for that and it might be a while until I get to that point at all. I am okay with that though. I am thoroughly enjoying myself being myself and doing what I want to do and when I want to do it. Being truly selfish for now and I like it. It's time to do that and it's all good.
I am just so eager to put as much distance between myself and that time in my life. Time really does heal and I look forward to a year from now and being able to say "I am doing awesome... so much better than I deserve!" And I know that it's not me or my strength that is getting me through this time in my life. It's my Lord and He is worthy to be praised!
I'm back and I'm blogging! Enjoy!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
The Feeling Of...
Nearly every morning over the past 6 months, I had woke to another day God had given me to live, but wanting - in a way - to die. I am not suicidal, but the pain I felt so so incredibly smothering that the only time I felt free was when I was asleep - unconscious to the world and the emotions and the realities of all that was going on. I would wake up and be immediately reminded of my life and the mess it was and the devastation I felt. I felt empty, useless, unloved, unwanted and unworthy. It took so much strength for me to even think about getting out of bed - but I did. Each and every morning I got up, took a shower, did my hair and make-up and got dressed. I would then take my dog for our morning walk and look to the east and with every effort I could muster thank God for another beautiful sunrise and another day I got to live. I would walk around my apartment complex thinking about my now ex, the day before me and wondering when things would change - when my life would change to the better and I could once again feel alive instead of dead.
Well, last week I started noticing that that emptiness that I was feeling when I would wake was finally subsiding! I thought, okay is the only temporary? I don't think so, because even though I still don't want to get out of bed, it's not because I am feeling sad anymore! It's only because I want to sleep more! It is amazing! It feels so good to wake and feel like living! I really feel like a huge burden has been lifted off of my shoulders and I feel free. No more "what ifs." I am ready to see what my future holds and excited to see what God has in store for me.
I am excited about the holidays and all that come with them. Even though I don'thave tons of money, I want to decorate and bake and shop for all of my family! The smell of cinnamon in the air and Christmas lights decorating the trees is so nice and warm feeling. I am excited and I hope that it is just a "putting on a front" feeling. I pray that I truly can face the holidays with joy in my spirit and thankfulness in my heart!
Well, last week I started noticing that that emptiness that I was feeling when I would wake was finally subsiding! I thought, okay is the only temporary? I don't think so, because even though I still don't want to get out of bed, it's not because I am feeling sad anymore! It's only because I want to sleep more! It is amazing! It feels so good to wake and feel like living! I really feel like a huge burden has been lifted off of my shoulders and I feel free. No more "what ifs." I am ready to see what my future holds and excited to see what God has in store for me.
I am excited about the holidays and all that come with them. Even though I don'thave tons of money, I want to decorate and bake and shop for all of my family! The smell of cinnamon in the air and Christmas lights decorating the trees is so nice and warm feeling. I am excited and I hope that it is just a "putting on a front" feeling. I pray that I truly can face the holidays with joy in my spirit and thankfulness in my heart!
Monday, November 10, 2008
Battle
I am having to battle against some pretty strong emotions today. I just woke up this morning and felt sad. It's not an overwhelmingly sad feeling, but sad none-the-less. I just cry out to God today and ask him to be with me. I need Him and His unfailing love.
I have had a fairly good week post-divorce. All week I had a great sense of calm and freedom and at times excitement when thinking about what my future holds. One thing that I have come to terms with is the approaching holidays. My ex often worked a lot through the holiday's and I didn't get to see him much. We also didn't have huge family traditions on his side of the family. We also didn't have any traditional thing that we did as a couple. We didn't do the Christmas tree or the exchanging of presents. So I feel pretty good and confident that I will make it through the upcoming festivities. I have decided to start my own traditions and the first thing I am going to do is cook and bake a lot for Thanksgiving and buy a Christmas tree! I have a spot all picked out for it in my apartment and my sister (being the incredibly loving soul that she is) bought my my first Christmas decoration - a gold star for the top of the tree! It's perfect!
I have had a fairly good week post-divorce. All week I had a great sense of calm and freedom and at times excitement when thinking about what my future holds. One thing that I have come to terms with is the approaching holidays. My ex often worked a lot through the holiday's and I didn't get to see him much. We also didn't have huge family traditions on his side of the family. We also didn't have any traditional thing that we did as a couple. We didn't do the Christmas tree or the exchanging of presents. So I feel pretty good and confident that I will make it through the upcoming festivities. I have decided to start my own traditions and the first thing I am going to do is cook and bake a lot for Thanksgiving and buy a Christmas tree! I have a spot all picked out for it in my apartment and my sister (being the incredibly loving soul that she is) bought my my first Christmas decoration - a gold star for the top of the tree! It's perfect!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
When I Grow Up...
As time marches on in these seemingly dark days post-marriage, my mind has just been a race of thoughts of "now what?" For 10 years, I filled my thoughts with that of my ex. Where is he? What does he need? What does he like? What does he want to do? Is he happy? Is he mad? Is he sad? He!!! He!!! He!!! It was always about him and what he needed. I focused all of my energies on him and our relationship and our finances and our home and our family. Now, for the very first time as an adult it can be Me!!! Me!!! Me!!! I am not a selfish person. I want to make others happy and focus on their needs, but I have the greatest opportunity that anyone should be so lucky to have. I get to start over - from scratch and look at life with an entirely new set of eyes and mindset. Before, I was focused on a relationship and marriage. Helping it grow and cultivating it into something beautiful that was envied by others. Well, that plant has died (not by any of my doing. I WILL NOT take any of the guilt or shame of my ruined marriage.) I wanted to work on it - he is the one who cheated on me, left me and divorced me.
So now what? What do I want from my new life? What do I want it to look like? Do I want to start dating someone immediately? Do I want to pick up and move to a new city? Do I want to become someone famous? Do I want to be a great humanitarian? Do I want to be a doctor or a lawyer? Do I want to be a beauty queen? A teacher? A police officer? A politician? The sky is the limit for me right now and that is a very intimidating thought. I have never been one with such lofty dreams and goals. I feel driven, but not driven to the point of conquering the world. I want to be happy, but what does my happiness look like? I am not sure.
What I do know is that I feel (at the moment) secure with who I am. I don't want to make any excuse for my likes or dislikes. I shouldn't have to defend that to anyone. For the past 6 months I have felt like just because I go to bed at a reasonable time, then there is something wrong with me. Or because I don't like to drink, then I am a prude. Why can't that just be accepted by those around me. I don't like to drink. Big deal! I am not saying that you shouldn't drink, but I just don't want to and I don't like it!
I am a beautiful young woman, with a great steady head on her shoulders and has morals and values that are hard to find in this world. I have so much to offer, it's just that I need to figure out what it is exactly that I have to offer and start to focus my energies into that.
When I grow up, I want to be a...
So now what? What do I want from my new life? What do I want it to look like? Do I want to start dating someone immediately? Do I want to pick up and move to a new city? Do I want to become someone famous? Do I want to be a great humanitarian? Do I want to be a doctor or a lawyer? Do I want to be a beauty queen? A teacher? A police officer? A politician? The sky is the limit for me right now and that is a very intimidating thought. I have never been one with such lofty dreams and goals. I feel driven, but not driven to the point of conquering the world. I want to be happy, but what does my happiness look like? I am not sure.
What I do know is that I feel (at the moment) secure with who I am. I don't want to make any excuse for my likes or dislikes. I shouldn't have to defend that to anyone. For the past 6 months I have felt like just because I go to bed at a reasonable time, then there is something wrong with me. Or because I don't like to drink, then I am a prude. Why can't that just be accepted by those around me. I don't like to drink. Big deal! I am not saying that you shouldn't drink, but I just don't want to and I don't like it!
I am a beautiful young woman, with a great steady head on her shoulders and has morals and values that are hard to find in this world. I have so much to offer, it's just that I need to figure out what it is exactly that I have to offer and start to focus my energies into that.
When I grow up, I want to be a...
Monday, November 3, 2008
D-Day
Well, it's here. "D-day" I have been so lovingly calling it. My divorce is now before a judge and there is no turning back. So, how do I feel about it? I am actually having a good day which is quite the surprise. I am divorced. I no longer have a husband - just an ex-husband who I would really like to forget about. I would like to forget all of the pain and heartache I have endured over the past 6 months and be happy again. It's amazing how someone you would actually trust your life with could injure you so badly, almost to the point of no return. I am very frightened by the thought of letting another into that inner sanctum of me. I am frightened to let someone affect me as my ex did. I trusted him, possibly more than anyone else on this earth. And what did he do with it? Shattered it and left me to pick up the pieces of his mess. How noble of him. How courageous of him. Gee, what a man... and I say this completely saturated with sarcasm. He wasn't a man. He ran away like an injured dog with it's tail between his legs. He couldn't face me or my family. So what does he do? He ignored us! Ran away like the coward he is.
Anyway... enough about him. What about me? Hmmm... what do I want to do? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to be? What do I want? Paris... children... a house... Charleston... to be an author... to be athletic... Not in this particular order, but I have done tons and tons of soul searching over the past months and the bottom line is I am a simple gal with simple dreams, but dreams none the less. I love my family and I have wonderful friends, but what else? I am not really sure. I'll just take "d-day" as an accomplishment because I am not at home curled up in a ball. I am facing the world with an oddly new found confidence. I think "I'm divorced. So what!" I can hold my head high knowing that I did the best I knew how to and now I am moving forward with more knowledge about relationships and people than ever before. Life is a growing, breathing beast and if I am able to survive then I have conqured the it and will help others conquer it as well!
Anyway... enough about him. What about me? Hmmm... what do I want to do? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to be? What do I want? Paris... children... a house... Charleston... to be an author... to be athletic... Not in this particular order, but I have done tons and tons of soul searching over the past months and the bottom line is I am a simple gal with simple dreams, but dreams none the less. I love my family and I have wonderful friends, but what else? I am not really sure. I'll just take "d-day" as an accomplishment because I am not at home curled up in a ball. I am facing the world with an oddly new found confidence. I think "I'm divorced. So what!" I can hold my head high knowing that I did the best I knew how to and now I am moving forward with more knowledge about relationships and people than ever before. Life is a growing, breathing beast and if I am able to survive then I have conqured the it and will help others conquer it as well!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Ahh...
Ahh... hell is finally over. I know my now-ex signed the papers today and all that is left to do is to go before the judge and have it officially stamped into the history books. I am divorced. That is weired. Weired to to see,weird to think, weired to be. Six months ago today he dropped the atomic bomb of his unfaithfulness to an innocent and unsuspecting wife and ever since there has been fallout of epic porportion. How I survived it is beyond all comprehension. As I live and breathe, I thought for sure I would be a mental, emotional and spiritual causality of this historical event that took place. I had always thought that I would, in all aspects of the word, die from devastation if I were ever faced with such an event as an unfaithful spouse. I loved him. I was faithful to him. I honored and respected him. I provided for him. I did the best I knew how to for him. Not being careless with my feelings,but I sigh with a simple thought: "Oh well." I know that with every breath I breathe and every thought I have, I know beyond the great beyond that I did my absolute best to him and for him. What did he do with it? Threw it all away for a moment of passion. I can live with myself. I can move on. I can live a life free from thoughts of guilt and shame. I am free. He is not.
It is not easy. It is a great fight for me to just lift my head off of the pillow in the morning. But I do and I am proud of that very fact. I am a survivor - not survivor of cancer or a disease that doesn't have a cure - I am a survivor of a broken heart. There is a cure for that and that cure is time. Day in and day out. Time is the only cure for this brokenness that is so overwhelming at times I can't even smile and it is tough pill to swallow. There is not instant relief from this pain - although there are brief glimpses of the happiness that once was and will be again.
But when I am able to see beyond is temporary sadness, I see with clear eyes - free from the tears that have so often stained my cheeks - that I am blessed. Blessed with a wonderful family that loves me to the core of my being - beyond all of my faults and imperfections. I sit here watching them from a short distance as we begin dinner time around a table full of wonderful food and a warm fire. The air smells of chocolate chip cookies and a fire flickers and glows in the corner. What more could anyone in this world ask for? I am blessed and I have the love of a Father from above, the support from a great family and friends who call to check in on me and to lend an ear to my words of confusion. I have a great little apartment in a quaint little town, an adorable dog who greets me at the door with love affection, a great job with a boss who has morals and values that are rare to find and a car that is just as cute as me. I am blessed and I realize now more than ever that I have everything I need and so much more.
It is not easy. It is a great fight for me to just lift my head off of the pillow in the morning. But I do and I am proud of that very fact. I am a survivor - not survivor of cancer or a disease that doesn't have a cure - I am a survivor of a broken heart. There is a cure for that and that cure is time. Day in and day out. Time is the only cure for this brokenness that is so overwhelming at times I can't even smile and it is tough pill to swallow. There is not instant relief from this pain - although there are brief glimpses of the happiness that once was and will be again.
But when I am able to see beyond is temporary sadness, I see with clear eyes - free from the tears that have so often stained my cheeks - that I am blessed. Blessed with a wonderful family that loves me to the core of my being - beyond all of my faults and imperfections. I sit here watching them from a short distance as we begin dinner time around a table full of wonderful food and a warm fire. The air smells of chocolate chip cookies and a fire flickers and glows in the corner. What more could anyone in this world ask for? I am blessed and I have the love of a Father from above, the support from a great family and friends who call to check in on me and to lend an ear to my words of confusion. I have a great little apartment in a quaint little town, an adorable dog who greets me at the door with love affection, a great job with a boss who has morals and values that are rare to find and a car that is just as cute as me. I am blessed and I realize now more than ever that I have everything I need and so much more.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
